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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We’ve tried everything, OP.  New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it.  All bandaids that work for a little bit.  We have settled into a nice, companionate love.  Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point.  It is what it is.

-married 14 years[/quote]

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?[/quote]

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship[/quote]

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized.  The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.  [/quote]

I am skeptical about this idea.  If people want to be in an open relationship, that is really their business.  As long as both adults are consenting, then great. But reading this, it seems more like "destigmatizing" is actually an assault on monogamy.  And I don't mean this in some religious or spiritual sense, like those who oppose LGBTQ relationships.  I mean it in the sense that it seems like you are saying that a married person ought to be expected to acquiesce to an open relationship if their partner wants it.  That doesn't really feel like consent to me.  Much like the Savage Love mantra of GGG can be misinterpreted and misused or consent can be more complicated than a simple yes or no, it seems to be that destigmatizing often means acceptance.  And though I think it's fine to say that you shouldn't intervene in other's affairs, it is a much harder thing to say that you must or should accept such a change in your own life and relationship.     [/quote]

It is not an assault on monogamy to open up a marriage. It can only be done with the consent of both partners, otherwise it is just cheating, which is not OK. Some of the prior posters essentially said that sex was getting awkward because they no longer viewed their spouse as a romantic partner but as a good, platonic friend. If things have progressed that far, then an open marriage seems like a viable option that both spouses could reasonably accept. After all, I didn't get upset in my single days if an ex who I remained friends with started dating someone new.
[/quote]

I think you misunderstand my point.  I am the 11:02 poster and have no objection to people being in open marriages, provided as you say, there is genuine consent of the parties involved.  (Though of course, that would mean the elimination of monogamy in their relationship.).

My point is more about telling people what they must accept in their own relationships; i.e. a new normal.  I wouldn't want any partner to feel like compelled to consent to an open relationship.  And I would think that a good number of people would be deeply hurt by the request, as it invariably involves a suggestion or statement that they are insufficient in some manner.  And that might be true, but there are plenty of hurtful truths.  And so, it's like so many other points of a relationship where the parties are at an impasse.  Generally speaking, most of us would say that being in a marriage expresses some kind of commitment to physical intimacy, absent an agreement to the contrary by the parties.  But the exact parameters of that are likely to vary widely.  Does a partner need to [redacted to comply with forum guidelines]? Try once? Special occasions?  Is it appropriate to threat divorce if partner refuses to engage in X activity?  Is it truly consent if a person says yes under threat of divorce?  Does the threat need to be explicit?

It's all well and good to say everyone can do what they like when people agree, but what about when they don't agree?  In that case, is it really wrong to hold people to the agreements they made?  I think generally we accept that anyone has the right to divorce, but I don't think that means that we need to salute everyone who changes their mind about a marriage.  I certainly don't want to pressure anyone to stay in an abusive marriage, in fact, I think society ought to be very clearly support of exiting such a marriage.  However, I also think that to the extent society expresses any opinion on a marriage it ought to be supportive of the institution and recognize that it isn't always easy and great.  As an aside, I would remind some that the "butterflies" phase of life can be pretty brutal too.

I don't have it all figured out.  I don't know everything that ought to be done. Perhaps the good news is that there will be more pre-marriage communication about these things.  But at least as things stand now, a marriage is a monogamous commitment.  If partners wish to define it differently, then I think that is on them to do so.  And I think it is suspect to suggest that society ought to do anything to change the calculation there.

I have no great solution.  Just my own words of caution as ethical non-monogamy becomes more accepted.  And I confess, I am not well-versed that philosophy's view of post-commitment editing. [/quote]

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