Can you get the sexy feeling back?

[Anonymous]

Husband and I feel sort of like best friends/ roommates. I miss that butterflies and electric feeling.

[Anonymous]

There are 10,000 articles about this online.

[Anonymous]

Following. Same situation. We are basically good friends, sex is starting to feel weird in those rare occasions we do it.

How do you overcome this? Not worth divorcing over, I don't think

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Date him and seduce him. What does he like?

[Anonymous]

We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

[Anonymous]

Nope, will not come back. The "butterflies" happens early in the relationship but that doesn't last. This is normal and too be expected. The lose of those feeling happen sooner for women than men. The reason is biological. The lose of those feeling motivate a woman to seek out new partners while a man is conversely motivated to stick around to provide for the children. I'm not saying that men don't cheat, but what I'm saying is that men, on average, stay relatively "happy" in a relationship longer than women. The reason can be found to have roots in evolution. Women that lose the feelz and have multiple partners have had more children so these "butterfly-seeking" genes have propagated through their daughters. Women, often, select men who "stick around" and provide so those men's genes have also propagated. Therefore men have essentially been bread by women to be, on average, loyal providers that stay happy in relationships for longer than women who typically leave sooner.

There are a lot of biological markers that support this; including, but not limited to, hidden ovulation and sperm competition...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Do you have kids at home? If so, kids who are, say 13 or younger?

Things can pick up a lot when the kids are not around. We were pretty rarely getting intimate for a long time. Tiny house, light sleeper kid/teen sleeping on the other side of a wall feet from us. We worked on keeping things going enough (though "Divorce now if not ample sex!" DCUM would have had us divorce over it years ago, ha). And when DC left for college, things improved in a big, big way. More frequent even than in the early kid-free years, to be honest. I know this site so I know someone will try to say, no way! Troll! etc. Don't care. It's true.

Before you say, what, we have to wait until the kids leave home?, you don't. The fact that your "bandaids" actually DO "work for a little bit" means...they work! And you're mixing things up. Don't stop doing that. If the end result is sex that both of you find pleasing, you do realize....that's sex, and both of you are finding it pleasing. Again, if you have kids in the house, it's difficult sometimes even to do as much as you're already doing to spark things at times.

And the whole "I've lost the butterflies" feeling OP mentions -- yes, that's marriage. Butterflies and fireworks all the time don't go on forever. You're working on things and conscious that sex requires effort and isn't always a spontaneous lightning strike of perfect fluttery love. That just isn't really sustainable forever, though it can come back from time to time and maybe with "bandaids." And that is not at all a sign something is wrong or you're boring. It's maturity and being busier than ever.

Married 29 years now, love the "companionable" part (please don't underrate that, PP) and yes, the sex has improved drastically since DC left home. And I will add-- are you on hormonal birth control? It can kill women's libido but doctors often don't tell women that enough. It is fantastic but this side effect is for real. My drive was suppressed for years on BC pills and lowering the dose helped but still I was affected. My drive shot up once I hit menopause and was off the pill. I"m NOT saying you have to wait for menopause either! But be aware that if you're on hormonal BC that can be a factor if you feel you're never in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, will not come back. The "butterflies" happens early in the relationship but that doesn't last. This is normal and too be expected. The lose of those feeling happen sooner for women than men. The reason is biological. The lose of those feeling motivate a woman to seek out new partners while a man is conversely motivated to stick around to provide for the children. I'm not saying that men don't cheat, but what I'm saying is that men, on average, stay relatively "happy" in a relationship longer than women. The reason can be found to have roots in evolution. Women that lose the feelz and have multiple partners have had more children so these "butterfly-seeking" genes have propagated through their daughters. Women, often, select men who "stick around" and provide so those men's genes have also propagated. Therefore men have essentially been bread by women to be, on average, loyal providers that stay happy in relationships for longer than women who typically leave sooner.

There are a lot of biological markers that support this; including, but not limited to, hidden ovulation and sperm competition...

Citations, please.

Are you the "Women cheat more often than men" poster who pops up on other threads constantly? If so, you've upped your game with some sterling work at sounding academic.

Hence: Citations, please. Your own personal experience and ponderings are not legit citations, by the way. Neither is claiming you work as an evolutionary biologist or sex therapist or geneticist.

[Anonymous]

It does come back occasionally, always when I feel safe and secure. Our lives have been pretty insecure for years, due to long-standing visa issues. Stress is ongoing, so when there's a moment of respite, the good feelings return.

Figure out how you can reduce stress in your lives and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

Absolutely, it was like lightning when we first saw each other. We were so wildly attracted to each other. Honestly, I think we enjoy sex, but it’s not what it was. No butterflies. Maybe because we were so crazy about each other in the beginning we miss that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

[Anonymous]

About one in five women have spontaneous sexual desire and if you are one of those, then yes, the drive can come back. Otherwise, no which is why so many people cheat and why lesbians seem happy and sexless after a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.