Can you get the sexy feeling back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

Absolutely, it was like lightning when we first saw each other. We were so wildly attracted to each other. Honestly, I think we enjoy sex, but it’s not what it was. No butterflies. Maybe because we were so crazy about each other in the beginning we miss that.

Get it back for yourself and then bring it back to him. One of you feeling something should be able to spark it in the other.

[Anonymous]

I think if you had it I the last then it can be rekindled. It will come and go; marriage has different seasons.

[Anonymous]

Although actual butterflies…that’s something different. Perhaps put yourself in new situations together, where you have the opportunity to see each other in a different light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, will not come back. The "butterflies" happens early in the relationship but that doesn't last. This is normal and too be expected. The lose of those feeling happen sooner for women than men. The reason is biological. The lose of those feeling motivate a woman to seek out new partners while a man is conversely motivated to stick around to provide for the children. I'm not saying that men don't cheat, but what I'm saying is that men, on average, stay relatively "happy" in a relationship longer than women. The reason can be found to have roots in evolution. Women that lose the feelz and have multiple partners have had more children so these "butterfly-seeking" genes have propagated through their daughters. Women, often, select men who "stick around" and provide so those men's genes have also propagated. Therefore men have essentially been bread by women to be, on average, loyal providers that stay happy in relationships for longer than women who typically leave sooner.

There are a lot of biological markers that support this; including, but not limited to, hidden ovulation and sperm competition...

Nope, that’s not how it works. Where on earth did you come up with this?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, my 13 year marriage has had ups and downs in terms of frequency but we consistently have great chemistry and great sex. A lot of it is that we are both adventurous, sexually open people who like sex, like talking about it, like sharing fantasies,etc. I do get the craving for variety and my DH wouldn’t mind if I had a side experience but for me, it’s not worth it right now anyway…too much uncertainty and risk, especially where I live and with my profession. The early days new-person hormones don’t come back…but I do think you can keep the spark alive if you work on being a sexual person yourself, actively. I think about sex a lot, on purpose, read erotica, watch sexy movies, etc. It makes a huge difference for me. Women have responsive desire…you can’t just sit around waiting for lightning to strike.

[Anonymous]

Novelty release hormones which familiarity can't. That's why people who are chasing dopamine for high end up cheating, again and again. Long term monogamy is valuable but it has its price.

That being said, check with a therapist, a urologist and an OBGYN to see if they can help rule out solvable problems.

[Anonymous]

There used to be a website called (maybe?) MojoUpgrade which allowed couples to go in and pick sexy ideas or fantasies that they found exciting from a list. It then sent them a list of the common ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, my 13 year marriage has had ups and downs in terms of frequency but we consistently have great chemistry and great sex. A lot of it is that we are both adventurous, sexually open people who like sex, like talking about it, like sharing fantasies,etc. I do get the craving for variety and my DH wouldn’t mind if I had a side experience but for me, it’s not worth it right now anyway…too much uncertainty and risk, especially where I live and with my profession. The early days new-person hormones don’t come back…but I do think you can keep the spark alive if you work on being a sexual person yourself, actively. I think about sex a lot, on purpose, read erotica, watch sexy movies, etc. It makes a huge difference for me. Women have responsive desire…you can’t just sit around waiting for lightning to strike.

My wife likes steamy novels and netflix series. They really seem to get her going and I don’t mind role playing the scenes for her. My highlander accent is sometimes laughable but that adds an element of fun too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, ***will not*** come back. The "butterflies" happens early in the relationship but that doesn't last. This is normal and too be expected. The lose of those feeling happen sooner for women than men. The reason is biological. The lose of those feeling motivate a woman to seek out new partners while a man is conversely motivated to stick around to provide for the children. I'm not saying that men don't cheat, but what I'm saying is that men, on average, stay relatively "happy" in a relationship longer than women. The reason can be found to have roots in evolution. Women that lose the feelz and have multiple partners have had more children so these "butterfly-seeking" genes have propagated through their daughters. Women, often, select men who "stick around" and provide so those men's genes have also propagated. Therefore men have essentially been bread by women to be, on average, loyal providers that stay happy in relationships for longer than women who typically leave sooner.

There are a lot of biological markers that support this; including, but not limited to, hidden ovulation and sperm competition...

It might. But it will not be exactly the same and won’t be as automatic as it was before. It will take work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, my 13 year marriage has had ups and downs in terms of frequency but we consistently have great chemistry and great sex. A lot of it is that we are both adventurous, sexually open people who like sex, like talking about it, like sharing fantasies,etc. I do get the craving for variety and my DH wouldn’t mind if I had a side experience but for me, it’s not worth it right now anyway…too much uncertainty and risk, especially where I live and with my profession. The early days new-person hormones don’t come back…but I do think you can keep the spark alive if you work on being a sexual person yourself, actively. I think about sex a lot, on purpose, read erotica, watch sexy movies, etc. It makes a huge difference for me. Women have responsive desire…you can’t just sit around waiting for lightning to strike.

Agree with this, but the important part is that both parts of the couple work on being sexual people if it doesn't come naturally. If both people aren't super committed to a great sex life, it will fade away. If only one person is committed, my money is on an affair happening at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There used to be a website called (maybe?) MojoUpgrade which allowed couples to go in and pick sexy ideas or fantasies that they found exciting from a list. It then sent them a list of the common ones.

I tried that with my wife when we were in a lull. She checked all the boxes to see what I was interested in, then cried that I was too kinky for her. FML. Jealous of those married couples that manage to keep the spark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, my 13 year marriage has had ups and downs in terms of frequency but we consistently have great chemistry and great sex. A lot of it is that we are both adventurous, sexually open people who like sex, like talking about it, like sharing fantasies,etc. I do get the craving for variety and my DH wouldn’t mind if I had a side experience but for me, it’s not worth it right now anyway…too much uncertainty and risk, especially where I live and with my profession. The early days new-person hormones don’t come back…but I do think you can keep the spark alive if you work on being a sexual person yourself, actively. I think about sex a lot, on purpose, read erotica, watch sexy movies, etc. It makes a huge difference for me. Women have responsive desire…you can’t just sit around waiting for lightning to strike.

My wife likes steamy novels and netflix series. They really seem to get her going and I don’t mind role playing the scenes for her. My highlander accent is sometimes laughable but that adds an element of fun too.

Which Netflix series are steamy and good for a couple to watch? I am trying to find some good movies and series. Not porn but something that is close (maybe porn that are women friendly)..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There used to be a website called (maybe?) MojoUpgrade which allowed couples to go in and pick sexy ideas or fantasies that they found exciting from a list. It then sent them a list of the common ones.

NP. The problem with lists like this is most of the items are about making things more rough, and some of what I want goes in the opposite direction. I find most men aren’t into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.

As a guy, I have zero interest in an open relationship. I have a pretty high bar for I want, need, expect. A lot of that only comes from time and open communication. Another partner for the single purpose of intimacy wouldn't do it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried everything, OP. New, sexy lingerie, dates, dancing, losing weight, sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping in the same room, you name it. All bandaids that work for a little bit. We have settled into a nice, companionate love. Sex is like a decent sandwich at this point. It is what it is.

-married 14 years

Ouch. Did you have good chemistry to start?

NP here, same situation. Sex still feels good but can be awkward.

And yes, great chemistry at the start. Not sure what happened along the way but I miss that part of the relationship

This is why open relationships should be destigmatized. The deterioration of your romantic relationship is natural and nobody’s fault. And nobody should be shamed for wanting a little bit of sexual variety before they die.

As a guy, I have zero interest in an open relationship. I have a pretty high bar for I want, need, expect. A lot of that only comes from time and open communication. Another partner for the single purpose of intimacy wouldn't do it for me.

You make a lot of assumptions about open relationships.

NP