did your marriage survive a long-term affair?

[Anonymous]

I found out last week DH has been cheating on me for 3-4 years. I don't want to post a ton of details here but the facts are basically awful (the length of the affair, the amount of lies told to my face, etc). Based on the facts of the affair, basically any sane person would look at this situation and scream LEAVE.

But, we have two very young children, and I am extremely reluctant to be a single parent, for their sake and for mine.

Also, this sounds crazy, but even through these 3-4 years DH and I agree that we have been very happy, in love, etc. He was just also doing this on the side of our otherwise happy marriage.

(There are so many more details than this...it's hard to type everything out.)

He is extremely remorseful, agreeing to therapy (indiv and together), says he will do anything for me not to leave, etc.

Therapist says this is more common than we think, but of course no one talks about it so I can't go to any friends who I know have been through this. Did your marriage survive a long-term serious affair, perhaps also when you had small children? Am I living in some kind of delusional world to think we can/should work this out?

[Anonymous]

OP -

I would venture to say you probably are numb right now. You just had a bomb drop in the middle of your life and it is going to take some time to gather perspective and make the big decisions.

A couple of words of advice:

1) Get a good therapist for yourself. Having a professional third party help you to work through your emotions and help you struggle with what you are going to have to digest will do you and your family a world of good.

2) Do not tell your friends or family at this point. You may be able to work things out. You may end up splitting up from your husband. But those decisions lie within you and are too important to let your friendships sway you one way or the other. Vent to a professional for now, not your friends or family.

There are no easy answers. Marriage is never perfect and people do horrible things to the people they love. If you both can grow from this to a better place, then things are salvageable. You may however find there is too much hurt and distrust to build things back. That's where having a third party that has your own mental wellness at hand will help. You need to do what it takes for you to move on and be happy. Might not be the same steps that your husband needs to take. It is too soon to tell.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. You're right. (OP here.)

We are each getting our own therapists as well as going to couples therapy together weekly. And we've each told everything to one close friend so that we at least have someone to talk to who knows us well. But otherwise keeping it a secret for now.

You're right..I don't have to decide now.

"those decisions lie within you" -- needed to hear that. I fear that while I may be able to live with this, and forgive and heal, that others would/will judge me for even thinking of staying. But their opinions should not matter. Except that I do value the opinions of people who love me and want what is best for me.

[Anonymous]

There are many people who can relate. Head over the survivinginfidelity.com for support. It gets mentioned on here all the time, but that is because it is a really great resource.

I was not in the same situation as you, but it is possible to reconcile fully after an affair. It takes lots of hard work, and tons of time (2-5 years). And as the other poster said, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Indeed, it is better if you don't.

But do confide in a friend or family member if you feel you must. You should get whatever support you need.

[Anonymous]

I did pop over to that website but I think my mind was still spinning and there was this whole other lexicon everyone was using and it was very overwhelming so I left. Maybe I'll try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. You're right. (OP here.)

We are each getting our own therapists as well as going to couples therapy together weekly. And we've each told everything to one close friend so that we at least have someone to talk to who knows us well. But otherwise keeping it a secret for now.

You're right..I don't have to decide now.

"those decisions lie within you" -- needed to hear that. I fear that while I may be able to live with this, and forgive and heal, that others would/will judge me for even thinking of staying. But their opinions should not matter. Except that I do value the opinions of people who love me and want what is best for me.

My husband had a two year affair (6 month build up/infatuation/a few months of "hooking up" without sex, then over a year of sex, then a few months of off and on contact (no sex but lying to me about contacting her). We also have two young children.

I'm in the thick of it now in terms of dealing/recovery. Our marriage blew apart while the affair was still going on (we separated). We were attempting to work on our marriage or so I thought but he was still sleeping with her. The "upside" (good god) is that the affair, I believe, ran its course, in that he began to lift from the fog of rationalizations and insanity and start accepting what a d-bag he was being, and how immature it was.

My husband grew up a lot. And I grew a lot stronger and way more effective in standing up for myself. We have a long way to go. But I have hope. One thing that helped was that he actually told me about it. I knew it was inappropriate, I thought it was an emotional affair. She was married with kids too after all. I believed him. By the time he told me, the affair had been over for months and we had started making progress in rebuilding. Him telling me, it was in many ways one of the most intimate things we've gone through. He was finally ready to let me know who he was, all the ways he was ashamed and felt inadequate. It was much better than me finding out some other way.

As for other's opinions: staying on working on this was the hardest thing either of us has ever done. It would have been easier to leave. Staying and not dealing with it and living a life of quiet desperation is sad. But staying and dealing with it like you are, opening up to trusted people, doing therapy, etc. That takes guts. Please don't let other people's opinions matter. You have enough on your plate.

I wish I knew you in real life and we could meet for coffee. It's lonely going through this. My husband and I decided to share with his mom, because we are very close, and she has been through this herself, and that has helped. But it would be nice to have someone to talk with who is in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just posted, and want to add one resource that helped me: the book "surprised by love" - it was written by a clinical psychologist (male) who had an affair, long term affair, left his beautiful wife and their three kids to be with the other woman, got divorced, and in the end, remarried his wife. And they are happy.

Warning, there are some cheesy parts, but so much about affairs is written either by therapists or by women recovering from their husbands, I really liked having a male cheater's perspective, and the fact that he is actually a psychologist, he gets at some of the root causes. It's an interesting read.

[Anonymous]

PP - OP here again. Thank you. When I posted this morning I was hoping for something like this. I truly appreciate it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like there may be a happy ending down the road for you though, and that is hopeful.

I wish DH had told me about it. I had to find it, and that hurts. He says it was over, but I think it had been "over" many times before but of course it wasn't. So I have no doubt it would have kept going unless I caught him.

Are you glad you separated for awhile? I'm trying to decide now if we should be apart to work this out, or together. Of course, with two very little ones, being apart means single momhood and that sounds awful in another way. I have two crap options here. But if I need to separate to work through this...then maybe I just need to do it.

What you said about how your DH grew up... I think mine is on Step 1 of that. He has a lot of steps ahead of him, but already we are father along than where we were one week ago I guess. It feels like a long road.

Thank you again. Will look into that book as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - OP here again. Thank you. When I posted this morning I was hoping for something like this. I truly appreciate it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like there may be a happy ending down the road for you though, and that is hopeful.

I wish DH had told me about it. I had to find it, and that hurts. He says it was over, but I think it had been "over" many times before but of course it wasn't. So I have no doubt it would have kept going unless I caught him.

Are you glad you separated for awhile? I'm trying to decide now if we should be apart to work this out, or together. Of course, with two very little ones, being apart means single momhood and that sounds awful in another way. I have two crap options here. But if I need to separate to work through this...then maybe I just need to do it.

What you said about how your DH grew up... I think mine is on Step 1 of that. He has a lot of steps ahead of him, but already we are father along than where we were one week ago I guess. It feels like a long road.

Thank you again. Will look into that book as well!

Glad I could help. Affairs are addictive, so I bet your husband was telling the truth - he probably did end it several times. Or tried to. Do you know anything about the other woman? Was she also married, etc.?

Separating was good, but it did allow the affair to go on (But who am I kidding, they found a way to do it while we were together). However in a sick way, I think that was important. He realized he had this freedom to do what he wants. I mean at that point, he could have just decided to end the marriage. So that is when things started getting complicated for him and the harms started outweighing the benefits.

When we separated though, he still helped out a lot so I wasn't a total single mom though it was hard. He still kept up basic responsibilities in the house and we coparented. In a way, it helped me grow stronger, facing life on my own and realizing I was going to be okay. I also worked hard to build my outside support system, which meant going out a bit more, etc. I think it was good ultimately.

You have all the tools you need to get through this. You will discover in the next few months an insane strength you didn't know you had. It's totally normal to be filled with rage at some moments and then with a crushing sadness that makes you weep. But it all leads some place. You won't be stuck there forever. You will feel good again and strong, and then you will have those moments and even days of rage and weeping. But they get less and less.

Don't make any rash decisions about the marriage now. Like another PP said, you have time. You are in control of what you want to do and your husband has to deal with that now. Do you work? I do, and it was hard to maintain a career in all this (and I still get distracted and come on support sites and DCUM to talk about things) but it was good to have that outlet also. Something else to focus on, and knowing I had something all mine that had nothing to do with him or our marriage. Do you have something like that?

[Anonymous]

The other woman is unmarried. She was a friend of ours actually (ouch). I don't work, so at least I can just focus on the kids and if I need to be a hermit and never leave the house for awhile no one can make me. Though I will try to get out and about and keep up my friendships, even if I can't tell my friends what's going on.

When he moved out, was it to a hotel, an apartment, or what? I was considering having him stay in a hotel nearby but that adds up fast ($$) and I'm still home maintaining the house and kids. But I'm still nursing so I literally can't leave the kids for more than a few hours.

When you were separated, did you still keep up togetherness for social purposes? Like if there was an event you needed to attend together would you both go and just pretend for the sake of others?

I do feel like I have a strong support network, if I need to tap into it (which I haven't because we are keeping it quiet for now). And young kiddos are still a lot of work and will take up most of my focus. But my mind still has plenty of time to be going crazy right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, you can work it out. We were in a very similar situation, and now that's almost 7 years in the rearview mirror. I am very glad the marriage survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other woman is unmarried. She was a friend of ours actually (ouch). I don't work, so at least I can just focus on the kids and if I need to be a hermit and never leave the house for awhile no one can make me. Though I will try to get out and about and keep up my friendships, even if I can't tell my friends what's going on.

When he moved out, was it to a hotel, an apartment, or what? I was considering having him stay in a hotel nearby but that adds up fast ($$) and I'm still home maintaining the house and kids. But I'm still nursing so I literally can't leave the kids for more than a few hours.

When you were separated, did you still keep up togetherness for social purposes? Like if there was an event you needed to attend together would you both go and just pretend for the sake of others?

I do feel like I have a strong support network, if I need to tap into it (which I haven't because we are keeping it quiet for now). And young kiddos are still a lot of work and will take up most of my focus. But my mind still has plenty of time to be going crazy right now.

You have the power right now. At the very least, he can be more hands on with the kids and YOU can go out and clear your head for a few hours at a time.

I am a single mom, but I made sure when I left that I didnt set things up to be completely my responsibility. I wouldnt recommend you leave anyway at this time, but rather in another 2 years or so if you're not able to get past it. Either way, your DH needs to bond with your kids so that regardless of what happens, he can handle them for long periods of time without you. This could mean you stay together but you have more "me" time or you're divorced years from now and sharing custody. I say this because you can't be certain either that he won't walk away either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other woman is unmarried. She was a friend of ours actually (ouch). I don't work, so at least I can just focus on the kids and if I need to be a hermit and never leave the house for awhile no one can make me. Though I will try to get out and about and keep up my friendships, even if I can't tell my friends what's going on.

When he moved out, was it to a hotel, an apartment, or what? I was considering having him stay in a hotel nearby but that adds up fast ($$) and I'm still home maintaining the house and kids. But I'm still nursing so I literally can't leave the kids for more than a few hours.

When you were separated, did you still keep up togetherness for social purposes? Like if there was an event you needed to attend together would you both go and just pretend for the sake of others?

I do feel like I have a strong support network, if I need to tap into it (which I haven't because we are keeping it quiet for now). And young kiddos are still a lot of work and will take up most of my focus. But my mind still has plenty of time to be going crazy right now.

He moved to an apartment nearby. We were able to swing it by cutting out some things, which strangely added to my whole "growing stronger" experience. I learned to get by with less. I was nursing too when he first moved out. The other woman as I said was a married mom - we knew her also though I didn't know her that well.

As for your support network, that is not just people you tell. For me, it was connecting with people from work through doing more happy hours, taking advantage of a work travel opportunity which I would not have done before, etc. It was nice to just remind myself, hey, there are people who like hanging out with me. And the world is bigger than my marriage.

Do something outside of your family. I know it's hard with young kids. But it's time for your husband to give that to you. He's been disconnected for a few years, time for him to make some sacrifices for that, whether you stay married or not. I assume he still wants to be involved with his kids right? As another poster said, you have some power now. Make sure you have him step up. Explain why - that he's had a really unhealthy escape for years now and it's time that you had an escape.

Do you have a hobby you can recommit too? A freelance project you could look for? A class you could take? Anything you can do to have something of your own. I allowed myself to get swallowed up in my marriage, in being a mom, and what I learned journeying back from the wreckage of the affair was how to hold onto myself more, look out for myself more. And I know it's hard with young kids - but it's important. Time for him to learn about sacrifice and be a dad and learn what it means to not be selfish. You need this if you want your marriage to survive or if you want to strike out on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other woman is unmarried. She was a friend of ours actually (ouch). I don't work, so at least I can just focus on the kids and if I need to be a hermit and never leave the house for awhile no one can make me. Though I will try to get out and about and keep up my friendships, even if I can't tell my friends what's going on.

When he moved out, was it to a hotel, an apartment, or what? I was considering having him stay in a hotel nearby but that adds up fast ($$) and I'm still home maintaining the house and kids. But I'm still nursing so I literally can't leave the kids for more than a few hours.

When you were separated, did you still keep up togetherness for social purposes? Like if there was an event you needed to attend together would you both go and just pretend for the sake of others?

I do feel like I have a strong support network, if I need to tap into it (which I haven't because we are keeping it quiet for now). And young kiddos are still a lot of work and will take up most of my focus. But my mind still has plenty of time to be going crazy right now.

He moved to an apartment nearby. We were able to swing it by cutting out some things, which strangely added to my whole "growing stronger" experience. I learned to get by with less. I was nursing too when he first moved out. The other woman as I said was a married mom - we knew her also though I didn't know her that well.

As for your support network, that is not just people you tell. For me, it was connecting with people from work through doing more happy hours, taking advantage of a work travel opportunity which I would not have done before, etc. It was nice to just remind myself, hey, there are people who like hanging out with me. And the world is bigger than my marriage.

Do something outside of your family. I know it's hard with young kids. But it's time for your husband to give that to you. He's been disconnected for a few years, time for him to make some sacrifices for that, whether you stay married or not. I assume he still wants to be involved with his kids right? As another poster said, you have some power now. Make sure you have him step up. Explain why - that he's had a really unhealthy escape for years now and it's time that you had an escape.

Do you have a hobby you can recommit too? A freelance project you could look for? A class you could take? Anything you can do to have something of your own. I allowed myself to get swallowed up in my marriage, in being a mom, and what I learned journeying back from the wreckage of the affair was how to hold onto myself more, look out for myself more. And I know it's hard with young kids - but it's important. Time for him to learn about sacrifice and be a dad and learn what it means to not be selfish. You need this if you want your marriage to survive or if you want to strike out on your own.

[Anonymous]

sorry for double post