Reply to did your marriage survive a long-term affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you. You're right. (OP here.)

We are each getting our own therapists as well as going to couples therapy together weekly. And we've each told everything to one close friend so that we at least have someone to talk to who knows us well. But otherwise keeping it a secret for now.

You're right..I don't have to decide now.

"those decisions lie within you"  -- needed to hear that. I fear that while I may be able to live with this, and forgive and heal, that others would/will judge me for even thinking of staying. But their opinions should not matter. Except that I do value the opinions of people who love me and want what is best for me.[/quote]

My husband had a two year affair (6 month build up/infatuation/a few months of "hooking up" without sex, then over a year of sex, then a few months of off and on contact (no sex but lying to me about contacting her). We also have two young children.

I'm in the thick of it now in terms of dealing/recovery. Our marriage blew apart while the affair was still going on (we separated). We were attempting to work on our marriage or so I thought but he was still sleeping with her. The "upside" (good god) is that the affair, I believe, ran its course, in that he began to lift from the fog of rationalizations and insanity and start accepting what a d-bag he was being, and how immature it was.

My husband grew up a lot. And I grew a lot stronger and way more effective in standing up for myself. We have a long way to go. But I have hope. One thing that helped was that he actually told me about it. I knew it was inappropriate, I thought it was an emotional affair. She was married with kids too after all. I believed him. By the time he told me, the affair had been over for months and we had started making progress in rebuilding. Him telling me, it was in many ways one of the most intimate things we've gone through. He was finally ready to let me know who he was, all the ways he was ashamed and felt inadequate. It was much better than me finding out some other way.

As for other's opinions: staying on working on this was the hardest thing either of us has ever done. It would have been easier to leave.  Staying and not dealing with it and living a life of quiet desperation is sad. But staying and dealing with it like you are, opening up to trusted people, doing therapy, etc. That takes guts. Please don't let other people's opinions matter. You have enough on your plate.

I wish I knew you in real life and we could meet for coffee. It's lonely going through this. My husband and I decided to share with his mom, because we are very close, and she has been through this herself, and that has helped. But it would be nice to have someone to talk with who is in the thick of it.[/quote]

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