Reply to did your marriage survive a long-term affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The other woman is unmarried. She was a friend of ours actually (ouch). I don't work, so at least I can just focus on the kids and if I need to be a hermit and never leave the house for awhile no one can make me. Though I will try to get out and about and keep up my friendships, even if I can't tell my friends what's going on.

When he moved out, was it to a hotel, an apartment, or what? I was considering having him stay in a hotel nearby but that adds up fast ($$) and I'm still home maintaining the house and kids. But I'm still nursing so I literally can't leave the kids for more than a few hours.

When you were separated, did you still keep up togetherness for social purposes? Like if there was an event you needed to attend together would you both go and just pretend for the sake of others?

I do feel like I have a strong support network, if I need to tap into it (which I haven't because we are keeping it quiet for now). And young kiddos are still a lot of work and will take up most of my focus. But my mind still has plenty of time to be going crazy right now.[/quote]

He moved to an apartment nearby. We were able to swing it by cutting out some things, which strangely added to my whole "growing stronger" experience. I learned to get by with less. I was nursing too when he first moved out. The other woman as I said was a married mom - we knew her also though I didn't know her that well.

As for your support network, that is not just people you tell. For me, it was connecting with people from work through doing more happy hours, taking advantage of a work travel opportunity which I would not have done before, etc. It was nice to just remind myself, hey, there are people who like hanging out with me. And the world is bigger than my marriage.

Do something outside of your family. I know it's hard with young kids. But it's time for your husband to give that to you. He's been disconnected for a few years, time for him to make some sacrifices for that, whether you stay married or not. I assume he still wants to be involved with his kids right? As another poster said, you have some power now. Make sure you have him step up. Explain why - that he's had a really unhealthy escape for years now and it's time that you had an escape.

Do you have a hobby you can recommit too? A freelance project you could look for? A class you could take? Anything you can do to have something of your own. I allowed myself to get swallowed up in my marriage, in being a mom, and what I learned journeying back from the wreckage of the affair was how to hold onto myself more, look out for myself more. And I know it's hard with young kids - but it's important. Time for him to learn about sacrifice and be a dad and learn what it means to not be selfish. You need this if you want your marriage to survive or if you want to strike out on your own. [/quote]

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