did your marriage survive a long-term affair?

[Anonymous]

In my case it was me that was having the affair. The OM was also married and we just enjoyed spending time together. We were together just over 8 months and it was in a lot of ways the best 8 months of my life.

Where the problem was is that I started withdrawing from my DH, forcing myself not to like him to the point that no matter what he did for me I would find and point out faults. I realized after a while that while he was trying to please me. I wasn't trying to make our relationship work. I was trying to make myself hate him because I thought that's what someone in an affair was supposed to do. I realized how horrible I was being to him and soon ended the affair. I started trying more and our marriage seems to be the best it's ever been.

I didn't come clean to him about the affair. But did tell him I was in a bad spot emotionally and apologized for putting him through what I did. That was almost 2 years ago and things couldn't be better now.

[Anonymous]

Yes. DH was in love with himself. I looked the other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case it was me that was having the affair. The OM was also married and we just enjoyed spending time together. We were together just over 8 months and it was in a lot of ways the best 8 months of my life.

Where the problem was is that I started withdrawing from my DH, forcing myself not to like him to the point that no matter what he did for me I would find and point out faults. I realized after a while that while he was trying to please me. I wasn't trying to make our relationship work. I was trying to make myself hate him because I thought that's what someone in an affair was supposed to do. I realized how horrible I was being to him and soon ended the affair. I started trying more and our marriage seems to be the best it's ever been.

I didn't come clean to him about the affair. But did tell him I was in a bad spot emotionally and apologized for putting him through what I did. That was almost 2 years ago and things couldn't be better now.

Pardon me for being unsophisticated, but how can you compartmentalize to the point that you are letting another man stick his dick in you, then going home, having your husband doing the same, then sleeping next to him and wishing each other well before you leave for work in the morning? What about the OM's wife? Are you being fair to her or it doesn't matter in your self-centered, feel good world?

You mentioned that your husband was trying to please you, it wasn't like he was some SOB where you were trying to escape and found solace with someone else. He's lucky not to have gotten an STD from your antics. And the affair was the best eight months of your life even though the marriage is better than ever? How quaint. Personally, if I was your husband and found out, I would leave you in a heartbeat, never to have any communication ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case it was me that was having the affair. The OM was also married and we just enjoyed spending time together. We were together just over 8 months and it was in a lot of ways the best 8 months of my life.

Where the problem was is that I started withdrawing from my DH, forcing myself not to like him to the point that no matter what he did for me I would find and point out faults. I realized after a while that while he was trying to please me. I wasn't trying to make our relationship work. I was trying to make myself hate him because I thought that's what someone in an affair was supposed to do. I realized how horrible I was being to him and soon ended the affair. I started trying more and our marriage seems to be the best it's ever been.

I didn't come clean to him about the affair. But did tell him I was in a bad spot emotionally and apologized for putting him through what I did. That was almost 2 years ago and things couldn't be better now.

Pardon me for being unsophisticated, but how can you compartmentalize to the point that you are letting another man stick his dick in you, then going home, having your husband doing the same, then sleeping next to him and wishing each other well before you leave for work in the morning? What about the OM's wife? Are you being fair to her or it doesn't matter in your self-centered, feel good world?

You mentioned that your husband was trying to please you, it wasn't like he was some SOB where you were trying to escape and found solace with someone else. He's lucky not to have gotten an STD from your antics. And the affair was the best eight months of your life even though the marriage is better than ever? How quaint. Personally, if I was your husband and found out, I would leave you in a heartbeat, never to have any communication ever again.

Your husband had an affair, didn't he? Direct your anger at him, not some anonymous woman on a message board. As long as you blame the OW (either IRL or by proxy), you aren't holding him accountable for his actions.

[Anonymous]

If you cannot trust him, it is over.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so sad. OP's husband doesn't love or respect her. If she had any self-respect, she would leave the bastard.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I could never ever forgive a long term affair. I'm kind of a vengeful person with things like this and could see myself stepping out to get even. If DH ever carried on like this, I'd tell him to go back to his mistresses arms and would prefer to move on with my life being drama free.

[Anonymous]

Each and every long term affair situation that I've ever encountered has resulted in a failed marriage. I've known several people that have had 1+ year long affairs and tried to save their marriages. All of them failed. If my husband carried on an affair for not only months, but years, I would tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. This man promised in his vows to love, honor and cherish you. To deceive, manipulate and continue to live a double life for years is beyond forgiveable. Besides all that, please get tested for HIV and std's. You'll always wonder where he's at or what he's doing. Cheaters usually find new partners and continue the cycle but learn to conceal any clues better the next time. RUN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so sad. OP's husband doesn't love or respect her. If she had any self-respect, she would leave the bastard.

THIS!

AMEN!

A man that loves and respects you wouldn't cheat, deceive and lie to you for YEARS Take back some respect and LEAVE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out last week DH has been cheating on me for 3-4 years. I don't want to post a ton of details here but the facts are basically awful (the length of the affair, the amount of lies told to my face, etc). Based on the facts of the affair, basically any sane person would look at this situation and scream LEAVE.

But, we have two very young children, and I am extremely reluctant to be a single parent, for their sake and for mine.

Also, this sounds crazy, but even through these 3-4 years DH and I agree that we have been very happy, in love, etc. He was just also doing this on the side of our otherwise happy marriage.

(There are so many more details than this...it's hard to type everything out.)

He is extremely remorseful, agreeing to therapy (indiv and together), says he will do anything for me not to leave, etc.

Therapist says this is more common than we think, but of course no one talks about it so I can't go to any friends who I know have been through this. Did your marriage survive a long-term serious affair, perhaps also when you had small children? Am I living in some kind of delusional world to think we can/should work this out?

Yes, any sane person would tell you to leave. So leave.

I assume you're fine telling all your friends and family members and neighbors about this, right? If not, you'll spend the rest of your life living a lie and telling lies about your story.

Leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so sad. OP's husband doesn't love or respect her. If she had any self-respect, she would leave the bastard.

THIS!

AMEN!

A man that loves and respects you wouldn't cheat, deceive and lie to you for YEARS Take back some respect and LEAVE.

She's too scared and using her children as an excuse. Very sad. Her kids will grow up, find out, and look at her with contempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. You're right. (OP here.)

We are each getting our own therapists as well as going to couples therapy together weekly. And we've each told everything to one close friend so that we at least have someone to talk to who knows us well. But otherwise keeping it a secret for now.

You're right..I don't have to decide now.

"those decisions lie within you" -- needed to hear that. I fear that while I may be able to live with this, and forgive and heal, that others would/will judge me for even thinking of staying. But their opinions should not matter. Except that I do value the opinions of people who love me and want what is best for me.

My husband had a two year affair (6 month build up/infatuation/a few months of "hooking up" without sex, then over a year of sex, then a few months of off and on contact (no sex but lying to me about contacting her). We also have two young children.

I'm in the thick of it now in terms of dealing/recovery. Our marriage blew apart while the affair was still going on (we separated). We were attempting to work on our marriage or so I thought but he was still sleeping with her. The "upside" (good god) is that the affair, I believe, ran its course, in that he began to lift from the fog of rationalizations and insanity and start accepting what a d-bag he was being, and how immature it was.

My husband grew up a lot. And I grew a lot stronger and way more effective in standing up for myself. We have a long way to go. But I have hope. One thing that helped was that he actually told me about it. I knew it was inappropriate, I thought it was an emotional affair. She was married with kids too after all. I believed him. By the time he told me, the affair had been over for months and we had started making progress in rebuilding. Him telling me, it was in many ways one of the most intimate things we've gone through. He was finally ready to let me know who he was, all the ways he was ashamed and felt inadequate. It was much better than me finding out some other way.

As for other's opinions: staying on working on this was the hardest thing either of us has ever done. It would have been easier to leave. Staying and not dealing with it and living a life of quiet desperation is sad. But staying and dealing with it like you are, opening up to trusted people, doing therapy, etc. That takes guts. Please don't let other people's opinions matter. You have enough on your plate.

I wish I knew you in real life and we could meet for coffee. It's lonely going through this. My husband and I decided to share with his mom, because we are very close, and she has been through this herself, and that has helped. But it would be nice to have someone to talk with who is in the thick of it.

I call BS on your story. First of all, it's NOT harder to stay. It's harder to leave and start over. That's courage. Not staying with a man who has cheated on you and who has a family history filled with infidelity.

Hate that you are living a lie and coming here anonymously to tell people that you're so brave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many people who can relate. Head over the survivinginfidelity.com for support. It gets mentioned on here all the time, but that is because it is a really great resource.

I was not in the same situation as you, but it is possible to reconcile fully after an affair. It takes lots of hard work, and tons of time (2-5 years). And as the other poster said, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Indeed, it is better if you don't.

But do confide in a friend or family member if you feel you must. You should get whatever support you need.

There is no way I'm putting lots of hard work and tons of time to reconcile with a cheater! Talk about rewarding bad behavior!

[Anonymous]

No, mine didn't survive. Lawyers are already involved. Simply can't see him the same way after knowing that he lied and deceived for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I call BS on your story. First of all, it's NOT harder to stay. It's harder to leave and start over. That's courage. Not staying with a man who has cheated on you and who has a family history filled with infidelity.

Hate that you are living a lie and coming here anonymously to tell people that you're so brave.

I'm not the stand by your man whatever he does type of woman. I think in PP case it wasn't blind devotion that kept them married. He admitted it to her, they separated, and eventually he got his stuff together and recommitted to the marriage including communicating better with his wife and letting her see his fears and feelings of inadequacy. It sounds like he changed and she did too. They went to individual therapy and couple counseling. It didn't sound like pp was staying because she was scared about being divorced with two young kids (maybe I'm wrong), but rather because she thought there was something worth saving and DH was going to put in the work to build a stronger foundation. Maybe I'm wrong but if he continued to stay with the other woman and cheat and/or wanted to get back together without admitting his faults and figuring out why he did it, I assume PP would have divorced him.