did your marriage survive a long-term affair?
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Anonymous
| no advice here, OP, just empathy. can't imagine going through this with young kids. my heart out to you. hope you find some peace.... |
Anonymous
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Op here again. Really can't thank you all enough. I plan to read this thread lots of times because I think different points will stick out to me at different times as some of the shock wears off and life settles in.
He is very committed to being a dad and I plan to encourage that even more. One of the reasons I don't want to leave and move home with my parents or something is that I think the kids need him daily, and he needs them too. I will think about hobbies/interests/getting my career thoughts and plans in order. Good advice. It's good to know others have gone through this and stayed together. I feel like it's much more common to hear about cheating+divorce so just knowing that cheating+working it out is also common helps normalize my choice. Thank you. |
Anonymous
Two year affair poster here - I agree with your therapist - it is more common than we think. Not saying everyone goes through this, but we aren't the first. Staying is the right choice for now. Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to rely on others for help, but this is the time where you learn what you are made of, and moving home with your parents would be easy. You can do this! No matter what happens, you can. Keep posting back, I've found a lot of support online. I prefer this to something like "surviving infidelity" since that just seems overwhelming to me. The risk here is that some people can be nasty, but oh well, I've also found a lot of support. |
Anonymous
| Thank you for your input |
Anonymous
No details, but same with us. Actually, in a messed up way, it saved our marriage and relationship. It's been an on-going process, but we both really looked at the causes (with professional help) and went from there. |
Anonymous
| Try EFT counseling. Very high success rate. |
Anonymous
| Why why why would anyone even try to work this out. I would leave, no questions asked. |
Anonymous
| OP, I would suggest that you also look into signing some sort of a post-nup. If you are a SAHM, you are unlikely to get alimony for more than 2-3 years in the event of a divorce. Given that your DH cheated, it is a good time to get an agreement drawn up that changes the alimony to a longer time period. I definitely think it is possible to survive the infidelity, but I offer the warning from personal experience. I had no idea about the current state of divorce law and how little protection there is for SAHMs. It seems heartless to talk about post-nups when your DH is trying to save the marriage, but the reality is that many marriages do not last after one spouse is cheating. Best of luck to both of you. You sound like really good people going through an awful time. |
Anonymous
Why bring up a year old thread? Are you trying to update everyone? |
Anonymous
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DH here. going through something similar.
trying to find the dignity in forgiveness |
Anonymous
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I agree with the post nup idea. I would also recommend you get your own finances in order. Even if you are a SAHM, you need to have your own account off to the side. There is also another website called marriage builders that gives great advice and has a good forum on infidelity.
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Anonymous
| Get a strap on a give it to him hard. |
Anonymous
| When my husband had an affair it ended in divorce after 25 years of marriage. I think the fact that it was an "affair" and not just "one night stands." She was/is a nurse and older than my husband was by nine years. She would go with him when he went on out of town business which was not that often but then he took a job in another state with the idea of possibly moving there. He came home every two weeks and the weekends he did not come home she flew to where he was for the weekend. This went on for six months while he was away. He ended up coming back to our hometown because he just did not like where he was and also landed a fabulous job. In addition to all of this, they were seeing each other a couple of times a week. He would go to her house as well as out for lunch and he called her everyday on his way home from work and would go see her at her work sometimes too. He would bring her coffee at her work and was very thoughtful towards her on special days. We have two kids. A teenager and a younger one who is seven years old. My thing was I could not come up with what he could ever do to gain my trust again. Every time I looked at him the image of him with her was there. I did not feel he had an "affair." He was in a "relationship." Three years! Come on! In the final analysis, I guess the point where I realized nothing could be worked out was when it really began to "sink in" with me how he was able to come home from her house or seeing her anywhere, and act as though nothing was going on. If you ask me that is a pretty good liar and actor. The Oscar should go to him for a fabulous performance. I would never recommend that a woman work it out with her husband when he has had an ongoing affair for years like that. Not that a one night stand is any better but it is different. We have a teenage daughter. I did not want her thinking this is alright and so she allows her spouse cheat on her and there be no consequences. |
Anonymous
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How long have you been married?
It sounds like he's been cheating on you for a good portion of your marriage. I was cheated on for 2 years, took a year to try to make it work. Found out more lies in the process and ultimately left. I did not have kids, though. What you are about to go through is horrible. You'll be punishing yourself emotionally for all of his sins. |
Anonymous
| Affairs are very common. Most go undiscovered and the marriage persists just as it did before. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your POV) your spouse got caught. You can make it work if you are willing to forgive. |