SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

[Anonymous]

Well, it IS common sense that a person who has been unemployed for 10 or more years will probably have a hard time finding a job.

So if a man suggests that his wife SAHMs or oks it when she brings it up, he should probably be ok with her doing it forever. Or at least make sure she understands from day 1 that being unemployed will only last for a short time so she getter keep her skills and contacts up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it IS common sense that a person who has been unemployed for 10 or more years will probably have a hard time finding a job.

So if a man suggests that his wife SAHMs or oks it when she brings it up, he should probably be ok with her doing it forever. Or at least make sure she understands from day 1 that being unemployed will only last for a short time so she getter keep her skills and contacts up.

There's no shortage of decent paying jobs. Just watch the news. Thankfully women can be in and out of the work force as they choose. That's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

My guess is that most mothers who SAH do so for a short period. After a job loss or a family move, they take a year or two to spend with the children before going back into the workforce. Or they take off work from maternity leave until their last child goes to preschool or K. Or they work through the early years with daycares or nannies, and stop later, to be more available for their teens. Or they go back to work as empty nesters. There are many reasons that people go back to paid employment after spending time away.

I find this whole thread to be strange and limiting. Scheduling out the next few decades of your own life is either a privilege, or boring/dull, or both.

How many years is it "acceptable" to have worked, I wonder? I worked for 22 years, now I SAH with elementary kids, (had kids way later than most.) I might work again, but it's probably not going to be a career, because I already did that.

Acceptable by who? It's only about you and your partner. Do what you want obviously. If your life choices bothers someone it's because they are envious/jealous. That's on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

I say this as part of a couple where we both have jobs that you mentioned on your list...your work life is not a source of pride and inspiration for your children. Maybe it will be when they become adults, but children, adolescents, and even young adults are generally pretty self-centered when it comes to their relationship with their parents.

My mother’s work was absolutely a source of pride for me as a kid. She wasn’t even anything really cool like a civil rights lawyer, just an executive at a midsized corporation. But she had a secretary and reports and I thought that was amazing.

If she stayed at home you would have thought the same and appreciated all she did as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it IS common sense that a person who has been unemployed for 10 or more years will probably have a hard time finding a job.

So if a man suggests that his wife SAHMs or oks it when she brings it up, he should probably be ok with her doing it forever. Or at least make sure she understands from day 1 that being unemployed will only last for a short time so she getter keep her skills and contacts up.

+1 Couples need to discuss in advance the timeframe for SAH and not make assumptions one way or the other. When DH and I had this discussion I told him that I was only willing to SAH if I could SAH permanently (unless or until *I* wanted to go back). I was not willing to put my career on hold for a decade or so and then have to go backwards or play catch-up, and it would not be reasonable to expect me to be able to magically pick up right where I left off. DH was not willing to commit to me SAH forever, so I stayed in the workforce and we share house and kid duties more or less equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

I don’t think it’s that unusual. I guess the flip side of it is that you respect his work and his leisure time, and you don’t get upset or refer to him as a “man child” if he doesn’t spend his weekends doing laundry and meal prep for the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it IS common sense that a person who has been unemployed for 10 or more years will probably have a hard time finding a job.

So if a man suggests that his wife SAHMs or oks it when she brings it up, he should probably be ok with her doing it forever. Or at least make sure she understands from day 1 that being unemployed will only last for a short time so she getter keep her skills and contacts up.

There's no shortage of decent paying jobs. Just watch the news. Thankfully women can be in and out of the work force as they choose. That's a good thing.

NP.

The bold is a myth that actually is harmful because it perpetuates the inaccurate idea it's easy to re-enter the workforce especially at this time.

In reality there is huge mismatch right now, fueled by the pandemic but present pre-pandemic, between the jobs available and the qualifications/experience/interest of the people seeking jobs. When people go around parroting the idea that "There are millions of open jobs, just take one!" they are uninformed and naive about how the economy currently is operating.

People really need to read and comprehend this article. "Why America has 8.4 million unemployed when there are 10 million job openings"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2021/09/04/ten-million-job-openings-labor-shortage/

I don't know if it's behind a paywall but if you search online you will turn up a version you can read. It does a good job of explaining why one can't really just walk into those "decent-paying jobs" you believe are out there. Yes, jobs exist, but the mismatch is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

I agree with you. Less total work for the family seems preferable to more work, in almost all cases. Some people cannot afford. Some could afford it but also want to have a nice kitchen, or a second home, or whatever, and that requires two incomes. All choices that people make. But the hate for people who choose less work and more family time seems bizarre to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

Ok well that honestly sounds miserable to me. I don’t want to live like that. Luckily I don’t have to.

I know that sounds obnoxious BUT you’re going to get an obnoxious answer if you ask an obnoxious question.

+ 1

NP. It sounds awful.

Why should I spend evenings and weekends doing house and yard work while he gets to have time off?
I would be working non stop between house, kids, yard and “actual” work. I don’t want to.

+1 working mom here and this even sounds awful to me. Also, do you really have these big blocks of time on the weekend to do this stuff? Every weekend? We have a weekend like this maybe once a month but usually we spend at least part of each day socializing and/or doing some activity with the kids, and that's when we aren't traveling. Also I can't really do this stuff when my kids are awake, although they are younger (1 and 3).

I mean, I get it all done as a working mom (in the sense that my kids are fed and clean and my house is not on fire) but I can admit that there are lots of things that I let slide, and lots that I would do better if I was a SAHM and had that time during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

I agree with you. Less total work for the family seems preferable to more work, in almost all cases. Some people cannot afford. Some could afford it but also want to have a nice kitchen, or a second home, or whatever, and that requires two incomes. All choices that people make. But the hate for people who choose less work and more family time seems bizarre to me.

That's just it. If one is happy and grounded they aren't bothered or jealous of someones lifestyle choices. I don't think it's hate per se, more like envy in disguise.

[Anonymous]

I've heard working women say they won't work for male bosses with SAHMs before because they don't want to deal with their ingrained sexism. That doesn't seem like envy to me. (To be clear this is not something I agree with, but I've heard it said before enough times by different women that I don't think it was a fluke.)

I'm not saying DCUMs thunderdomes aren't heavily caused by insecurity and jealousy on both sides, but just that people can have thoughtful observations of the risks of certain social structures (both SAH and WOH) without it being jealousy. Of course I am also not saying this thread features thoughtful observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

I agree with you. Less total work for the family seems preferable to more work, in almost all cases. Some people cannot afford. Some could afford it but also want to have a nice kitchen, or a second home, or whatever, and that requires two incomes. All choices that people make. But the hate for people who choose less work and more family time seems bizarre to me.

That's just it. If one is happy and grounded they aren't bothered or jealous of someones lifestyle choices. I don't think it's hate per se, more like envy in disguise.

Definitely not jealous. I personally would be bored as a SAHM. For me my career isn't just about making money it's a passion for me But I fully understand that it's different for other women and that's ok. I'm fortunate enough that my husband is okay with me doing whatever. He's also a full teammate when it comes to parenting and the household so I'm not coming home to a second full time job. . His first wife was actually a SAHM and when we were dating we discussed his views on that. . A large focus of my career is actually focused on mothers and firmly believe that as a society we need to better at supporting all Mom's and women have to choose what is right for them. . My own mother was a SAHM I don't think she enjoyed it though, I think she felt familial and religious pressure to do so but that's a topic for another thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

I agree with you. Less total work for the family seems preferable to more work, in almost all cases. Some people cannot afford. Some could afford it but also want to have a nice kitchen, or a second home, or whatever, and that requires two incomes. All choices that people make. But the hate for people who choose less work and more family time seems bizarre to me.

That's just it. If one is happy and grounded they aren't bothered or jealous of someones lifestyle choices. I don't think it's hate per se, more like envy in disguise.

Definitely not jealous. I personally would be bored as a SAHM. For me my career isn't just about making money it's a passion for me But I fully understand that it's different for other women and that's ok. I'm fortunate enough that my husband is okay with me doing whatever. He's also a full teammate when it comes to parenting and the household so I'm not coming home to a second full time job. . His first wife was actually a SAHM and when we were dating we discussed his views on that. . A large focus of my career is actually focused on mothers and firmly believe that as a society we need to better at supporting all Mom's and women have to choose what is right for them. . My own mother was a SAHM I don't think she enjoyed it though, I think she felt familial and religious pressure to do so but that's a topic for another thread.

I think the point about envy (jealousy is the wrong word) was aimed at the people who come on here and bash someone's decision to be a SAHM and attribute the decision to either sexism or laziness or the like.