SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

My guess is that most mothers who SAH do so for a short period. After a job loss or a family move, they take a year or two to spend with the children before going back into the workforce. Or they take off work from maternity leave until their last child goes to preschool or K. Or they work through the early years with daycares or nannies, and stop later, to be more available for their teens. Or they go back to work as empty nesters. There are many reasons that people go back to paid employment after spending time away.

I find this whole thread to be strange and limiting. Scheduling out the next few decades of your own life is either a privilege, or boring/dull, or both.

How many years is it "acceptable" to have worked, I wonder? I worked for 22 years, now I SAH with elementary kids, (had kids way later than most.) I might work again, but it's probably not going to be a career, because I already did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

I say this as part of a couple where we both have jobs that you mentioned on your list...your work life is not a source of pride and inspiration for your children. Maybe it will be when they become adults, but children, adolescents, and even young adults are generally pretty self-centered when it comes to their relationship with their parents.

My mother’s work was absolutely a source of pride for me as a kid. She wasn’t even anything really cool like a civil rights lawyer, just an executive at a midsized corporation. But she had a secretary and reports and I thought that was amazing.

+1

I was really proud of my dad's work as a kid. I distinctly remember that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

I went back and reread this post and honestly think this person has to be trolling and mocking SAHMs. I honestly don't see any SAHM listing showering as a meaningful contribution, I just don't.

I agree. It seems like folks are just baiting each other with nonsense comments.

A SAHM defines her job as parenting. When you ask what she does when the kids are in school and she isn’t parenting, then you are going to get a list of leisure activities.

I work about 30 hours a week, in person, in healthcare. Most of my work hours are not during school hours.
If you ask me what I do during the school day, I will have pretty much the same answer as the SAHMs on this thread. I take the kids to and from school, do some housework, shower, read, see friends, call my mom, take the kids to the dentist, etc.
Just because someone is not working during the hours you work doesn’t mean they are lazy, never working, or leading a meaningless life.

If my DH told me to get another job from 7-3 while the kids are in school, I would tell him that I’m not doing two jobs. And if my husband expected me to do all of the housework/meal prep, random logistics with the house and kids, and be responsible for all childcare every evening and weekend, I would say the same thing.

The thing is most SAHMs highlight the importance of their being at home beyond the preschool years as being able to take care of household chores, so not leisure time this listing showering and going to the gym seems a bit out of place.

No. They really don’t. Most SAHMs consider the importance of their being at home as being able to take care of their families, not their houses or their chores.

Yes and 99 % of the time when being a SAHM is discussed they highlight taking care of household chores as a huge benefit. It's mentioned right in this very thread. Go ahead and tell me I'm wrong.

Sure. Even though I WOH, having time to get chores done is a huge benefit of my being at home during the school day. It’s right up there with being home when school closes, snow days, teacher work days, sick kids, doctor’s appointments, and all of the other things that SAHMs mention when asked what they do during the school day.

That doesn’t mean that those things are my entire contribution to the world or that I consider those hours during the school day to be my main job.

If you want to know what SAHMs are doing, then ask what they are doing when their kids are home. Asking what they are doing during their downtime and the judging them for taking a shower is ridiculous.

It is really not anyone’s business how SAHM decide to spend their time. Concentrate on your own life which I’m sure needs improvement.😁
Coming from a high earning professional consulting business owner who is chosen childfree! To each their own!

[Anonymous]

To me SAH and having kids are decisions where both have to turn their key. If your spouse does not agree then you can vote with your feet.

Also I noticed that you described your lifestyle as modest and did not list any chores related to managing the household finances. Is it possible that you can’t adequately meet all your long-term financial goals without an additional income? If your husband doesn’t make a high income it can be quite challenging to save enough money for retirement for two people and for your kids to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

My guess is that most mothers who SAH do so for a short period. After a job loss or a family move, they take a year or two to spend with the children before going back into the workforce. Or they take off work from maternity leave until their last child goes to preschool or K. Or they work through the early years with daycares or nannies, and stop later, to be more available for their teens. Or they go back to work as empty nesters. There are many reasons that people go back to paid employment after spending time away.

I find this whole thread to be strange and limiting. Scheduling out the next few decades of your own life is either a privilege, or boring/dull, or both.

How many years is it "acceptable" to have worked, I wonder? I worked for 22 years, now I SAH with elementary kids, (had kids way later than most.) I might work again, but it's probably not going to be a career, because I already did that.

It is what YOU find as acceptable that counts. Not anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

My guess is that most mothers who SAH do so for a short period. After a job loss or a family move, they take a year or two to spend with the children before going back into the workforce. Or they take off work from maternity leave until their last child goes to preschool or K. Or they work through the early years with daycares or nannies, and stop later, to be more available for their teens. Or they go back to work as empty nesters. There are many reasons that people go back to paid employment after spending time away.

I find this whole thread to be strange and limiting. Scheduling out the next few decades of your own life is either a privilege, or boring/dull, or both.

How many years is it "acceptable" to have worked, I wonder? I worked for 22 years, now I SAH with elementary kids, (had kids way later than most.) I might work again, but it's probably not going to be a career, because I already did that.

This. I remember the other women in my new moms group being a bit judgmental when I decided to not only quit my job but not to go back after a year at home (which is when they collectively decided it was time to go back to work). I wasn't bothered by it, because I knew it was because they were all early 30s whereas I was pushing 40. I would never have become a SAHM if I'd had a kid at 32. But I had my one and only kid in my late 30s, it was my one chance to really do motherhood, and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to really enjoy it. I SAHMed until she was in PK and now I work part-time. And same as you -- I'd go back to work full-time, but it would just be to pad out my retirement or add more money to her college fund. I'm not going to have some meaningful career at this point because I already did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

+1000

Well, I’m a working mom who takes pride in her career (lawyer in policy work). However, I had a SAHM growing up and I know without a doubt that I found her work in the home to be incredibly valuable to me and my siblings. I’m proud of her.

Sad that you don’t get that or respect it. Especially as a fellow mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.

Not OP but it isn’t that much time. Not OP, but I workout at a gym daily and between going there, taking a shower, running some errands, cleaning up areas of the house (I do a daily pick up plus deep clean parts on a weekly schedule), yard work, I bake our bread daily and cook meals from scratch and that is very time consuming too. Six hours flies by.

I went back and reread this post and honestly think this person has to be trolling and mocking SAHMs. I honestly don't see any SAHM listing showering as a meaningful contribution, I just don't.

I agree. It seems like folks are just baiting each other with nonsense comments.

A SAHM defines her job as parenting. When you ask what she does when the kids are in school and she isn’t parenting, then you are going to get a list of leisure activities.

I work about 30 hours a week, in person, in healthcare. Most of my work hours are not during school hours.
If you ask me what I do during the school day, I will have pretty much the same answer as the SAHMs on this thread. I take the kids to and from school, do some housework, shower, read, see friends, call my mom, take the kids to the dentist, etc.
Just because someone is not working during the hours you work doesn’t mean they are lazy, never working, or leading a meaningless life.

If my DH told me to get another job from 7-3 while the kids are in school, I would tell him that I’m not doing two jobs. And if my husband expected me to do all of the housework/meal prep, random logistics with the house and kids, and be responsible for all childcare every evening and weekend, I would say the same thing.

The thing is most SAHMs highlight the importance of their being at home beyond the preschool years as being able to take care of household chores, so not leisure time this listing showering and going to the gym seems a bit out of place.

No. They really don’t. Most SAHMs consider the importance of their being at home as being able to take care of their families, not their houses or their chores.

Yes and 99 % of the time when being a SAHM is discussed they highlight taking care of household chores as a huge benefit. It's mentioned right in this very thread. Go ahead and tell me I'm wrong.

Sure. Even though I WOH, having time to get chores done is a huge benefit of my being at home during the school day. It’s right up there with being home when school closes, snow days, teacher work days, sick kids, doctor’s appointments, and all of the other things that SAHMs mention when asked what they do during the school day.

That doesn’t mean that those things are my entire contribution to the world or that I consider those hours during the school day to be my main job.

If you want to know what SAHMs are doing, then ask what they are doing when their kids are home. Asking what they are doing during their downtime and the judging them for taking a shower is ridiculous.

It is really not anyone’s business how SAHM decide to spend their time. Concentrate on your own life which I’m sure needs improvement.😁
Coming from a high earning professional consulting business owner who is chosen childfree! To each their own!

Lol...I’m sure it does .

I know it’s no one’s business, but this drives me crazy. People can find value in their leisure time and flexibility in their schedules without it being the primary value in their lives.
You can find value in having freedom that goes with being childfree without having to define yourself by what you are doing with your evenings when you aren’t caring for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

+1000

Well, I’m a working mom who takes pride in her career (lawyer in policy work). However, I had a SAHM growing up and I know without a doubt that I found her work in the home to be incredibly valuable to me and my siblings. I’m proud of her.

Sad that you don’t get that or respect it. Especially as a fellow mother.

There is literally nothing in the posts you quoted that says anything whatsoever about not respecting SAHMs. Those PPs said that work can be for things other than money, that kids can be proud of their parents and their jobs, and it is sad not to understand that. That's all.

Your immediate jump to personally insulting the posters says a lot about you, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

[Anonymous]

One horrible drawback to being a sahm is checking into this site for kid issues and ending up spending time reading more threads (because I have time). That is awful and I need to cut back as it is genuinely a waste of time after a certain point. I have better things to do but enjoy reading threads. Oddly enough, my dh wastes time on a sports focused site while at work but he sees it as taking a break. To me its not a break but a vice I need to say no dcum after 30minutes or something. Otherwise, as much as I enjoy my days I would never sahm without a dh on board.