SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

I agree with you. Less total work for the family seems preferable to more work, in almost all cases. Some people cannot afford. Some could afford it but also want to have a nice kitchen, or a second home, or whatever, and that requires two incomes. All choices that people make. But the hate for people who choose less work and more family time seems bizarre to me.

That's just it. If one is happy and grounded they aren't bothered or jealous of someones lifestyle choices. I don't think it's hate per se, more like envy in disguise.

Definitely not jealous. I personally would be bored as a SAHM. For me my career isn't just about making money it's a passion for me But I fully understand that it's different for other women and that's ok. I'm fortunate enough that my husband is okay with me doing whatever. He's also a full teammate when it comes to parenting and the household so I'm not coming home to a second full time job. . His first wife was actually a SAHM and when we were dating we discussed his views on that. . A large focus of my career is actually focused on mothers and firmly believe that as a society we need to better at supporting all Mom's and women have to choose what is right for them. . My own mother was a SAHM I don't think she enjoyed it though, I think she felt familial and religious pressure to do so but that's a topic for another thread.

My mom worked (still does) even though my dad was biglaw and she could be retired now. She loves what she does. Apparently at one point they considered a third kid but decided it was not doable unless she quit her job, and she didn’t want to. I wonder what that nonexistent sibling would have been like but I’m proud of my mom’s career. I’m a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

You're actually the one who is out of touch and clueless. I sold a rental home in April that was paid off for 7x what I paid for it. It wasn't difficult finding tenants and downloading the contracts, and finding a good credit ck/criminal background company. Among other things. Obviously you resent the choices another couple has made for some reason which is very odd. Our renters paid the mortgage fyi. Yes I was a SAHM! Now I am a SAHM to a small dog, lol. Too much jealousy on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

If her daughter is 32 she should be retired. No way she should have to go to work unless she wants to.

Practice good money management, and perhaps someday you too can have that freedom.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

+1

Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to.

I mean, obviously people are different but my husband always knew this was the way it was going to go. You can't ask someone to dip out of the workforce for 10-15 years (which is what it was for us with our kids' ages plus the Pandemic) then jump back in after such a long gap. He always said, you're putting in the hard work up front then you get to "retire" early. He has no problem with the fact that I have a lot of leisure time to myself. I still do the cleaning, laundry, chores, etc. but yeah I do have a lot of leisure time, which we both see as a perk of the "job."

This is a very uncommon viewpoint. You live a charmed life.

Actually this viewpoint is common and not necessarily charmed but normal. Depends on your circle I guess. People have different “normals.”

For the husband to be ok with grinding it out for at least 40 hours a week while his wife does whatever the eff she wants for six hours a day?? Unusual.

+1

Considering this thread alone is like 20 pages, I’d say this is an uncommon situation and that he is kind of a unicorn.

It's more common than you think. This site, and these threads, skew towards people who are bitter about how much work they have to do (at the office and at home) and thus are fiercely critical of anyone who has managed to avoid that. It is just a flavor of mommy-martyr that is so prevalent here.

DP. After years of being on DCUM, I agree with the bolded above. I guess it helps that I apparently have another "unicorn" spouse who has never once pushed me to do anything he dictates I "should" be doing.

As the posts above all show, people have a hard time accepting that not every family has to have or wants to have two partners in what people here consider "normal" employment while they also juggle kids. Somehow those of us who choose a different arrangement are "lazy" or have "unicorn" spouses etc. etc. .....Shrug. So much need to judge on these threads.

I agree with you. Less total work for the family seems preferable to more work, in almost all cases. Some people cannot afford. Some could afford it but also want to have a nice kitchen, or a second home, or whatever, and that requires two incomes. All choices that people make. But the hate for people who choose less work and more family time seems bizarre to me.

That's just it. If one is happy and grounded they aren't bothered or jealous of someones lifestyle choices. I don't think it's hate per se, more like envy in disguise.

Definitely not jealous. I personally would be bored as a SAHM. For me my career isn't just about making money it's a passion for me But I fully understand that it's different for other women and that's ok. I'm fortunate enough that my husband is okay with me doing whatever. He's also a full teammate when it comes to parenting and the household so I'm not coming home to a second full time job. . His first wife was actually a SAHM and when we were dating we discussed his views on that. . A large focus of my career is actually focused on mothers and firmly believe that as a society we need to better at supporting all Mom's and women have to choose what is right for them. . My own mother was a SAHM I don't think she enjoyed it though, I think she felt familial and religious pressure to do so but that's a topic for another thread.

I think the point about envy (jealousy is the wrong word) was aimed at the people who come on here and bash someone's decision to be a SAHM and attribute the decision to either sexism or laziness or the like.

Yes those are the ones that are envious, and miserable. Pretty obvious from their posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

You're actually the one who is out of touch and clueless. I sold a rental home in April that was paid off for 7x what I paid for it. It wasn't difficult finding tenants and downloading the contracts, and finding a good credit ck/criminal background company. Among other things. Obviously you resent the choices another couple has made for some reason which is very odd. Our renters paid the mortgage fyi. Yes I was a SAHM! Now I am a SAHM to a small dog, lol. Too much jealousy on this thread.

+1
GMAFB! "She doesn't know about renting" that is beyond lame to say. I didn't know about it and rented out a house to two tenants in 4 years, does not require any landlord degree. Sold at a big profit too. Pp sounds like someone who is just looking to insult "friend". Don't associate with her, you obviously despise her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

You're actually the one who is out of touch and clueless. I sold a rental home in April that was paid off for 7x what I paid for it. It wasn't difficult finding tenants and downloading the contracts, and finding a good credit ck/criminal background company. Among other things. Obviously you resent the choices another couple has made for some reason which is very odd. Our renters paid the mortgage fyi. Yes I was a SAHM! Now I am a SAHM to a small dog, lol. Too much jealousy on this thread.

+1
GMAFB! "She doesn't know about renting" that is beyond lame to say. I didn't know about it and rented out a house to two tenants in 4 years, does not require any landlord degree. Sold at a big profit too. Pp sounds like someone who is just looking to insult "friend". Don't associate with her, you obviously despise her.

They’re Chinese and her English is poor. She was talking to us about leaving all their big furniture and keeping one room locked so future tenants couldn’t enter and she didn’t even think that would be an issue with any future tenant. I’m not saying she needs to have a landlord degree but she doesn’t think to research or plan ahead because her husband does everything. I know when she’s widowed, she is going to have a real hard time on her own in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

If her daughter is 32 she should be retired. No way she should have to go to work unless she wants to.

Practice good money management, and perhaps someday you too can have that freedom.

My idea of good money management is remaining childfree and saving for my own retirement, instead of depending on a man 😀. She should work if she wants the first house as a base. Where they live, it’s going to be a while before they can rent it because they have very specific ideas about the kind of tenant they want. But that’s not realistic to expect the best of tenants IME. She’s never worked and her husband has no financial freedom because of her. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

You're actually the one who is out of touch and clueless. I sold a rental home in April that was paid off for 7x what I paid for it. It wasn't difficult finding tenants and downloading the contracts, and finding a good credit ck/criminal background company. Among other things. Obviously you resent the choices another couple has made for some reason which is very odd. Our renters paid the mortgage fyi. Yes I was a SAHM! Now I am a SAHM to a small dog, lol. Too much jealousy on this thread.

+1
GMAFB! "She doesn't know about renting" that is beyond lame to say. I didn't know about it and rented out a house to two tenants in 4 years, does not require any landlord degree. Sold at a big profit too. Pp sounds like someone who is just looking to insult "friend". Don't associate with her, you obviously despise her.

So apparently, popping out a child is a get out of work forever and ever card based on this thread.

[Anonymous]

NP - I guess I’m a lucky one given that my husband has always supported whatever I’ve done and I’ve gone back and forth in terms of WAH and SAH. When my youngest was a HS junior I was thinking about going back to work full time and my husband said “that’s fine but will it make you happy?” So instead I took up silversmithing and that has made me happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - I guess I’m a lucky one given that my husband has always supported whatever I’ve done and I’ve gone back and forth in terms of WAH and SAH. When my youngest was a HS junior I was thinking about going back to work full time and my husband said “that’s fine but will it make you happy?” So instead I took up silversmithing and that has made me happy.

My husband is pretty much the same.
We both want each other to be happy. If he was miserable in his job and trying to cut back his hours or retire earlier, then I would take on more work to make that happen with the expectation that he pick up more slack around the house, and we both work a little harder to achieve this goal.

As it is, he likes being the guy at work that can come in at the last minute and save the day. He wants to be flexible to stay late and not have to hand off work to someone else. He’s happy for me to work or not work, but he wants me to be happy with whatever I am doing, and he is pretty clear that he isn’t really going to change whatever he’s doing or take on a bunch of additional tasks at home (although he is fine with them being hired out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

You're actually the one who is out of touch and clueless. I sold a rental home in April that was paid off for 7x what I paid for it. It wasn't difficult finding tenants and downloading the contracts, and finding a good credit ck/criminal background company. Among other things. Obviously you resent the choices another couple has made for some reason which is very odd. Our renters paid the mortgage fyi. Yes I was a SAHM! Now I am a SAHM to a small dog, lol. Too much jealousy on this thread.

+1
GMAFB! "She doesn't know about renting" that is beyond lame to say. I didn't know about it and rented out a house to two tenants in 4 years, does not require any landlord degree. Sold at a big profit too. Pp sounds like someone who is just looking to insult "friend". Don't associate with her, you obviously despise her.

So apparently, popping out a child is a get out of work forever and ever card based on this thread.

No, it’s having enough money to not need to work- either through marriage or other, unless you want to for other reasons besides income

[Anonymous]

Men are not complicated. If you want something:

1). Have sex much more often. Include blowjobs and sexy lingerie.
2). Cook his favorite meals more often.
3). Tell him how much you appreciate and admire him for working so hard for your family.
4). Put on make-up and cute clothes every day (it’s possible this is all he really wants anyway)

Maybe this doesn’t appeal to you, but you married this guy. You should want to sleep with him and tell him that you appreciate and admire him. Also, it takes less than an hour a day. Much better than spending half your life doing some job you never wanted to do in the first place.