Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Hahah. I asked my H that once when he spewed back: "You don't support me."

Oh, what more can I do to "support" you since I already work FT and manage the whole house, yard and children myself?

He said, "Be more flexible and understanding." Then went back to his Sunday iPHone emails.

[Anonymous]

Cliches sure answered that question. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Stop having sex, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Stop having sex, obviously.

Lmao

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Can you give an example of “engagement” a hypothetical woman isn’t getting? The thread I’m responding to is about wanting more sex. Threads that want more engagement— depending on the circumstances— I tend to suggest making space for that engagement, like taking additional trips to allow for connection, outsourcing more childcare to ensure there is time for the partners to be truly present with each other alone, but again, the person looking for a change needs to put in the work to make the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Can you give an example of “engagement” a hypothetical woman isn’t getting? The thread I’m responding to is about wanting more sex. Threads that want more engagement— depending on the circumstances— I tend to suggest making space for that engagement, like taking additional trips to allow for connection, outsourcing more childcare to ensure there is time for the partners to be truly present with each other alone, but again, the person looking for a change needs to put in the work to make the change.

Engagement as in listening to problems, commiserating, emotionally supporting, asking about their day, etc. I think a lot of guys check out because they are stressed by work and home life commitments, the fact that the house is a mess, the kids are demanding time and attention, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Can you give an example of “engagement” a hypothetical woman isn’t getting? The thread I’m responding to is about wanting more sex. Threads that want more engagement— depending on the circumstances— I tend to suggest making space for that engagement, like taking additional trips to allow for connection, outsourcing more childcare to ensure there is time for the partners to be truly present with each other alone, but again, the person looking for a change needs to put in the work to make the change.

Engagement as in listening to problems, commiserating, emotionally supporting, asking about their day, etc. I think a lot of guys check out because they are stressed by work and home life commitments, the fact that the house is a mess, the kids are demanding time and attention, etc.

This is still very vague but I’ll look for it in threads. If “listening to problems” means “issues concerning the whole family” then neither partner gets to check out no matter how messy the house is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Stop having sex, obviously.

Lmao

Lol. Who puts this krap in writing without a sanity test…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Can you give an example of “engagement” a hypothetical woman isn’t getting? The thread I’m responding to is about wanting more sex. Threads that want more engagement— depending on the circumstances— I tend to suggest making space for that engagement, like taking additional trips to allow for connection, outsourcing more childcare to ensure there is time for the partners to be truly present with each other alone, but again, the person looking for a change needs to put in the work to make the change.

Engagement as in listening to problems, commiserating, emotionally supporting, asking about their day, etc. I think a lot of guys check out because they are stressed by work and home life commitments, the fact that the house is a mess, the kids are demanding time and attention, etc.

Engagement is (a) seeing stuff that needs to get done (by yourself), (b) Doing something about it, and (c) fixing it the correct way (not making a worse mess or issue)

So it’s being proactive, taking the effort, and doing it right- not slopjob.

Same for conversations and working out decisions together. We should plan a winter break, here are some sensible ideas I looked into, I made sure they are safer places and in our budget, plus some friends have great references.

[Anonymous]

Other examples are things broken or is disrepair in the house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So there's another thread going here where one of the commenter was suggesting that sex was going to be contingent on the woman getting a massage or a pedicure, the husband arranging a sitter, and going out on a date night. Here there was a commenter talking
Look, I don’t get any pedicures, date nights, solo vacations or any of the stuff. What I do get is a husband who cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops, steps up on childcare, is willing to discuss his feelings and my needs, and hash out bigger picture things to support me in my career and personal life. We have sex as much as he wants. When you have a good one, it just flows naturally.

Good to hear, and that sounds reasonable. Being considerate partners who work together to deal with life's challenges, like each other, and - as a result - enjoy having sex with one another sounds like the goal most couples should be working toward. And, you know - if one partner treats the other every so often or you go on a vacation here or there, that's going to hopefully turbo charge a healthy relationship.

On the flip side, the need for elaborate alone time and/or wining and dining before sex is ever on the table seems dysfunctional and expensive.

That’s a symptom of an overly stressed life. If your wife needs that you probably need to rethink the whole childcare/work situation, because she’s not happy.

But most of these people on here have pretty ordinary jobs, one or two kids, and ordinary sized homes. There is no reason to be so stressed and frazzled that you cannot even connect with your partner. I guess if you don't like the guy, that's one thing, but then you shouldn't have married him and had kids with him! But really, it's not that much work.

This really says it all. So many excuses in this thread and it really comes down to this. This whole thread should end on this note.

If it’s not that much work, why all the agony over a man doing it while a woman gets some rest?

Yeah, cool. If it’s so easy then you do it!

But she needs to sleep in! It's hard sending emails and surfing Instagram all day long.

Ha. In my house it’s DH that surfs Instagram and Twitter all day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill. I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny. Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done

men seem to also withhold being a full partner. They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?

Sure, that’s totally possible. But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage?

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them.

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change. If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change. It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical.

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen?

Can you give an example of “engagement” a hypothetical woman isn’t getting? The thread I’m responding to is about wanting more sex. Threads that want more engagement— depending on the circumstances— I tend to suggest making space for that engagement, like taking additional trips to allow for connection, outsourcing more childcare to ensure there is time for the partners to be truly present with each other alone, but again, the person looking for a change needs to put in the work to make the change.

Engagement as in listening to problems, commiserating, emotionally supporting, asking about their day, etc. I think a lot of guys check out because they are stressed by work and home life commitments, the fact that the house is a mess, the kids are demanding time and attention, etc.

Engagement is (a) seeing stuff that needs to get done (by yourself), (b) Doing something about it, and (c) fixing it the correct way (not making a worse mess or issue)

So it’s being proactive, taking the effort, and doing it right- not slopjob.

Same for conversations and working out decisions together. We should plan a winter break, here are some sensible ideas I looked into, I made sure they are safer places and in our budget, plus some friends have great references.

And your hypothesis about the above is that men need to be in a mood to do this? Do their bosses make sure they’re in a mood to not “do a slop-job” at work? Or is that just...being an adult? “Doing it right” needs a particular mood? Didn’t we have a poster on this thread tell us how amazingly competent men are? Shouldn’t the default be to do it right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So there's another thread going here where one of the commenter was suggesting that sex was going to be contingent on the woman getting a massage or a pedicure, the husband arranging a sitter, and going out on a date night. Here there was a commenter talking
Look, I don’t get any pedicures, date nights, solo vacations or any of the stuff. What I do get is a husband who cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops, steps up on childcare, is willing to discuss his feelings and my needs, and hash out bigger picture things to support me in my career and personal life. We have sex as much as he wants. When you have a good one, it just flows naturally.

Good to hear, and that sounds reasonable. Being considerate partners who work together to deal with life's challenges, like each other, and - as a result - enjoy having sex with one another sounds like the goal most couples should be working toward. And, you know - if one partner treats the other every so often or you go on a vacation here or there, that's going to hopefully turbo charge a healthy relationship.

On the flip side, the need for elaborate alone time and/or wining and dining before sex is ever on the table seems dysfunctional and expensive.

That’s a symptom of an overly stressed life. If your wife needs that you probably need to rethink the whole childcare/work situation, because she’s not happy.

But most of these people on here have pretty ordinary jobs, one or two kids, and ordinary sized homes. There is no reason to be so stressed and frazzled that you cannot even connect with your partner. I guess if you don't like the guy, that's one thing, but then you shouldn't have married him and had kids with him! But really, it's not that much work.

This really says it all. So many excuses in this thread and it really comes down to this. This whole thread should end on this note.

If it’s not that much work, why all the agony over a man doing it while a woman gets some rest?

Yeah, cool. If it’s so easy then you do it!

But she needs to sleep in! It's hard sending emails and surfing Instagram all day long.

Ha. In my house it’s DH that surfs Instagram and Twitter all day

He’s looking up women