Reply to Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a husband who is in sexless marriage, but it’s because my wife is chronically ill.  I do a stressful job, 90 percent of childcare not covered by a nanny.   Nearly all chores that are not outsourced as well. I would be up for sex every day if it was possible.

The women on this board who throw their relationships away because they are “frazzled” deserve the divorces that are in their future. [/quote]

I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes, a lot of divorced are people who sabotage their relationships by withholding affection and sex. It's a power play and one that always backfires with cheating and divorce. But you don't realize your mistake until the damage is done[/quote]
men seem to also withhold being a full partner.  They seem to think if they unload the dishwasher once, then that means that they contributed and they should get sex that night.[/quote]

Maybe the men would be better partners if they felt loved and supported?[/quote]

Sure, that’s totally possible.  But I understood that this thread was a support group for men who were unhappy with the amount of sex in their marriage? [/quote]

Great point.

They should sit down together tonight and answer that question:
Wifey, what makes you feel loved and supported?

Hubby, what makes you feel loved and supported?

THen do them all. Lots of examples on this thread to what the likely replies will be. Don't be so dense. Think about them. [/quote]

The onus is on the person who wants a change to make a change.  If the man wants a higher frequency of sex, he needs to make a change to enable that. If a woman is happy having sex once a month, once a year, she doesn’t need to make a change.  It’s the same way if I say, I want to lose ten pounds, I can’t expect my husband to ride the Peloton for me until that happens, expecting more sex and the work to be done by someone else is exactly as illogical. [/quote]

Huh? So if a woman wants more engagement at home, she needs to do ... what ... to make that happen? [/quote]

Can you give an example of “engagement” a hypothetical woman isn’t getting?  The thread I’m responding to is about wanting more sex.  Threads that want more engagement— depending on the circumstances— I tend to suggest making space for that engagement, like taking additional trips to allow for connection, outsourcing more childcare to ensure there is time for the partners to be truly present with each other alone, but again, the person looking for a change needs to put in the work to make the change.  [/quote]

Engagement as in listening to problems, commiserating, emotionally supporting, asking about their day, etc. I think a lot of guys check out because they are stressed by work and home life commitments, the fact that the house is a mess, the kids are demanding time and attention, etc. [/quote]

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