I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

She should have assumed that there was the possibility of an extreme emotional reaction, yes. She already knew that there was serious marital discord about adoption, and that the SIL had had a very emotional reaction before surrounding these issues. I also find it VERY difficult to believe that OP had no idea that the SIL harbored jealous/hurt feelings about her. And by asking this couple together in public (when she KNEW they had had serious discord about adoption already) she was creating a really difficult situation between the couple - which was borne out when the BIL immediately said yes, and the SIL immediately said no. And it's also unclear why OP and her DH continued this for even a single second once they realized that the SIL had doubts, and instead seemed to be playing along with the BIL who wanted to strong-arm the SIL into it.

You are so dumb where can I start? Her and sil were close, why would they be if sil was outwardly jealous? this would be bil's baby too of course he should be there when asking. She and her dh left once sil refused. Sil reached out and apologized the next day, of course op spoke with her, should she have slammed the door on her?

[Anonymous]

OP you need to learn the fine art of minding your own damn business. If you have not inserted yourself in the middle of your sister-in-law's fertility problems, you would not be in this mess. Keep your womb to yourself, backpedal like crazy on the surrogacy discussion, and never again make the mistake of jumping into other people's problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

She should have assumed that there was the possibility of an extreme emotional reaction, yes. She already knew that there was serious marital discord about adoption, and that the SIL had had a very emotional reaction before surrounding these issues. I also find it VERY difficult to believe that OP had no idea that the SIL harbored jealous/hurt feelings about her. And by asking this couple together in public (when she KNEW they had had serious discord about adoption already) she was creating a really difficult situation between the couple - which was borne out when the BIL immediately said yes, and the SIL immediately said no. And it's also unclear why OP and her DH continued this for even a single second once they realized that the SIL had doubts, and instead seemed to be playing along with the BIL who wanted to strong-arm the SIL into it.

You are so dumb where can I start? Her and sil were close, why would they be if sil was outwardly jealous? this would be bil's baby too of course he should be there when asking. She and her dh left once sil refused. Sil reached out and apologized the next day, of course op spoke with her, should she have slammed the door on her?

No, OP kept on pressing on even when it was apparent that SIL DID NOT WANT this and was flipping out. Instead of believing SIL when she said no the first time, OP says "I knew they would need time to process the offer." And then when SIL came the next day with the list of obviously untenable demands, instead of saying "this isn't going to work" OP said "let me talk to my DH." And at the point of writing this post, OP was STILL refusing to just put an end to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to learn the fine art of minding your own damn business. If you have not inserted yourself in the middle of your sister-in-law's fertility problems, you would not be in this mess. Keep your womb to yourself, backpedal like crazy on the surrogacy discussion, and never again make the mistake of jumping into other people's problems.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

She should have assumed that there was the possibility of an extreme emotional reaction, yes. She already knew that there was serious marital discord about adoption, and that the SIL had had a very emotional reaction before surrounding these issues. I also find it VERY difficult to believe that OP had no idea that the SIL harbored jealous/hurt feelings about her. And by asking this couple together in public (when she KNEW they had had serious discord about adoption already) she was creating a really difficult situation between the couple - which was borne out when the BIL immediately said yes, and the SIL immediately said no. And it's also unclear why OP and her DH continued this for even a single second once they realized that the SIL had doubts, and instead seemed to be playing along with the BIL who wanted to strong-arm the SIL into it.

Amen to this! Yes OP and her dh are generous. That doesn't mean they handled the offer in the kindest and most sensitive possible way. By OP's admission, SIL has been saying pointed things about OP hogging the fertility since at least kid #2. I'm a pp who stated earlier I think this idea should have been floated much more slowly, starting with conversation between the husbands, since they are the blood relationship here. "hey B[IL] do you think SIL would be open to OP being a surrogate?" "omg that would be great" "well it's not a sure thing, she wants to check with the doc and so on, and lawyers too, but maybe you could get a bead on whether SIL would be ok with it."

I'm a huge believer in laying groundwork for difficult conversations so everyone can come in prepared. OP and her dh are clearly not. That's all that those of us who are being "harsh" with OP are accusing her of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

She should have assumed that there was the possibility of an extreme emotional reaction, yes. She already knew that there was serious marital discord about adoption, and that the SIL had had a very emotional reaction before surrounding these issues. I also find it VERY difficult to believe that OP had no idea that the SIL harbored jealous/hurt feelings about her. And by asking this couple together in public (when she KNEW they had had serious discord about adoption already) she was creating a really difficult situation between the couple - which was borne out when the BIL immediately said yes, and the SIL immediately said no. And it's also unclear why OP and her DH continued this for even a single second once they realized that the SIL had doubts, and instead seemed to be playing along with the BIL who wanted to strong-arm the SIL into it.

Amen to this! Yes OP and her dh are generous. That doesn't mean they handled the offer in the kindest and most sensitive possible way. By OP's admission, SIL has been saying pointed things about OP hogging the fertility since at least kid #2. I'm a pp who stated earlier I think this idea should have been floated much more slowly, starting with conversation between the husbands, since they are the blood relationship here. "hey B[IL] do you think SIL would be open to OP being a surrogate?" "omg that would be great" "well it's not a sure thing, she wants to check with the doc and so on, and lawyers too, but maybe you could get a bead on whether SIL would be ok with it."

I'm a huge believer in laying groundwork for difficult conversations so everyone can come in prepared. OP and her dh are clearly not. That's all that those of us who are being "harsh" with OP are accusing her of.

No OP said SIL said she had been "hogging all the fertility" since baby two when she blew up. They were close with no indication of any of this before.

[Anonymous]

Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little shocked by the general lack of compassion. I applaud OP for her generous offer, clearly she had no desire to create the turmoil that followed. That said, SIL is clearly sufffering and is in a dark place. That doesn't make her evil or undeserving of children. I had only two miscarriages and remember that as the darkest period of my life. I could not bear to be around pregnant friends and was terribly jealous of them. I was fortunate in that I would on to have two children fairly quickly. I can't fathom having years of infertility and a stillbirth. SIL's behavior is inappropriate but it is not unforgivable. OP should not be the surrogate, that clearly won't work, but she can and should be the bigger person, coming from a place of stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

Pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

Which ones? The ones criticizing OP? Or the ones saying that a woman who's lost baby after baby is terrible and should never be allowed to have a child?
Hmm....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little shocked by the general lack of compassion. I applaud OP for her generous offer, clearly she had no desire to create the turmoil that followed. That said, SIL is clearly sufffering and is in a dark place. That doesn't make her evil or undeserving of children. I had only two miscarriages and remember that as the darkest period of my life. I could not bear to be around pregnant friends and was terribly jealous of them. I was fortunate in that I would on to have two children fairly quickly. I can't fathom having years of infertility and a stillbirth. SIL's behavior is inappropriate but it is not unforgivable. OP should not be the surrogate, that clearly won't work, but she can and should be the bigger person, coming from a place of stability.

Exactly. And very similar experience here. You have no idea how hard that situation is (both mentally and hormonally!) unless you've lived it. Recognize SIL's behavior was wrong, but so very forgivable. Really, if you can't forgive that, you're just not a very kind person. OP needs to recognize that none of this is about her and try to just close the door to this possibility as kindly as possible, recognizing that she's going to be the butt of this person's anger for a while. Remover yourself from the angry person and wait for it to pass. Then forgive in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

Pot meet kettle.

This is not an appropriate usage of that phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

Which ones? The ones criticizing OP? Or the ones saying that a woman who's lost baby after baby is terrible and should never be allowed to have a child?
Hmm....

NP
If you and your DH were about to be homeless and needed say $10000 to save your home and DH's brother and your sister in law sat down, offered you the money with no strings and said "you decide we love you and here for you" would you lose your shit and then blame them for offering? If you needed a kidney and your family member said they would donate one of theirs would you tell them "fuck off you insensitive bitch, get some therapy"?

OP has expressed more compassion for her SIL then most people ever do in a lifetime. She came to an anonymous message board for support for herself because she was trying to be understanding and keep calm after a dear friend and relative laid into her out of the blue when she tried to help her.

I see the bitterness towards the OP in some of these replies and the need of some commenters to bring a person down because it likely makes them feel better about themselves.

I'm guessing it is people who have no concept of what it means to have close family or are incapable of allowing other human beings close to them. That and perhaps some infertile woman who see themselves in SIL and want to lash out at OP while wishing they had someone in their lives who loved them enough to make that same offer when and if they needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

Which ones? The ones criticizing OP? Or the ones saying that a woman who's lost baby after baby is terrible and should never be allowed to have a child?
Hmm....

NP
If you and your DH were about to be homeless and needed say $10000 to save your home and DH's brother and your sister in law sat down, offered you the money with no strings and said "you decide we love you and here for you" would you lose your shit and then blame them for offering? If you needed a kidney and your family member said they would donate one of theirs would you tell them "fuck off you insensitive bitch, get some therapy"?

OP has expressed more compassion for her SIL then most people ever do in a lifetime. She came to an anonymous message board for support for herself because she was trying to be understanding and keep calm after a dear friend and relative laid into her out of the blue when she tried to help her.

I see the bitterness towards the OP in some of these replies and the need of some commenters to bring a person down because it likely makes them feel better about themselves.

I'm guessing it is people who have no concept of what it means to have close family or are incapable of allowing other human beings close to them. That and perhaps some infertile woman who see themselves in SIL and want to lash out at OP while wishing they had someone in their lives who loved them enough to make that same offer when and if they needed it.

Life isn't as neat as all that. There's a reason why the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." This is not like offering $10,000 or a kidney. OP surely is a nice, generous, and fortunate person. That does not excuse her from ever causing anyone pain. The fact that you apparently cannot even understand why this offer would cause pain and discord means that you just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some mean bitter ass bitches in this thread who want to bring a good person down to make themselves feel better about their miserable lives.

Pot meet kettle.

This is not an appropriate usage of that phrase.

I disagree, someone claiming those that have differing opinions than them "have miserable lives" is pretty much the definition of mean and bitter.