I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my DH is reading through the thread now.

I would like to clear a couple of things up.

I am a SAHM and my life revolves around my children, they are my priority. Being pregnant wouldn't take away from that.

My SIL and I were very close before this, she was not an open enemy and she had never behaved hostile towards me or shown any jealousy.

I never ever ONCE wanted to do this to be a "hero" and its incredibly hurtful to read that. You can want to help a family member and not expect a thing in return, you can choose to be kind without expecting to be a hero.

The cousin's grandmother asked DH's brother for the name of their doctor, for cousin. That is when SIL went off on cousin.

The reason my husband no longer wants to do it is he is pissed someone could behave so rudely to someone offering them help and then he watched me cry off and on about it for a few days. I no longer want to do it because I agree with a lot of previous posters. Her true colors are showing and she will blame me for any little thing that goes wrong, real or perceived.

OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

How has OP thrown her pregnancies in sils face? You are as bad as sil saying she had kids to spite her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

How is the OP having 4 children (and 4 pregnancies) throwing that in her SIL's face? The great offer was made in front of the BIL AND SIL - not everyone. How is that manipulating the situation? I am trying to understand your point, but the facts that were presented conflict with the story YOU are trying to spin. OP's has presented the situation very differently. YOU seem to be the one manipulating the story to fit YOUR agenda.

I don't think the OP did anything malicious. But it is quite odd that she did not anticipate any sort of negative reaction, and seemed to have no clue as to how her SIL would receive the offer, and is continuing the drama by continuing to make this all about herself "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart." That makes me think that OP was more focused on how it would make HER feel to be the savior, than the actual situation at hand.

OP said several time her and DH were prepared for a refusal and negative emotions. She was not prepared for SIL who was also her dear friend to turn on her in such a visceral way. Also you are an ass. Maybe you should get some therapy for *that*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think the OP did anything malicious. But it is quite odd that she did not anticipate any sort of negative reaction, and seemed to have no clue as to how her SIL would receive the offer, and is continuing the drama by continuing to make this all about herself "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart." That makes me think that OP was more focused on how it would make HER feel to be the savior, than the actual situation at hand.

I am the poster that went through 5 years of infertility and had two friends offer to be surrogates for me (FWIW- I didn't pursue either option, but this isn't about me). Her SIL's reaction was quite bizarre to say the very least. I honestly don't think ANYONE could have predicted that. Yes, was she surprised and taken aback and negative initially? That possibly could have been foreseen. But lets break down exactly what happened:

- She finally said "no, absolutely not." I knew they would need time to process the offer so I said, "You two know we are here for you and the offer stands. We love you." Understandable initial reaction and acceptable response.

- DH's husband said "Of course of course this is a blessing, thank you, of course we will. How perfect, keep it in the family." At that she absolutely flipped. Good response from the husband (I think she meant DH's brother not husband, but I am not going to get nitpicky

THEN the SIL responded

- First that I had four children to spite her, I should have been sensitive to her infertility and stopped at two.
- If I had stopped at two she could have been a mother years ago.
- MIL/FIL loved me best because I could give them grandchildren and here I was being the "savior" giving them another.

After thinking about it, the SIL wanted to go forward, but offered some BIZARRE terms:
- the child would call me by first name only, never aunt
- We were never to tell the child or anyone else I was the surrogate
- I was never to complain about anything concerning the pregnancy, never to show any pain or discomfort or on the flip side express happiness about being pregnant. I was not to "rub being pregnant in her face"
- She and her husband would move in with us for the duration of the pregnancy.
- As soon as the child was born I was not to touch or look at the child until told I could, which she noted might be months.
- I am never to show any motherly tendencies towards the child, ever
- Since MIL/FIL had spent thousands on gifts for my children she expected the equivalent for hers.
- I told her I would take it up with my DH and she said "You know your offer almost caused a divorce so don't think about backing out now, you wanted this."


The OP's wording of "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart' is right on target here. Maybe she could have said WE are making a choice OR WE made an offer. IMHO, she just went through an incredibly emotional ordeal and needed some support. Not criticism. Not everybody agrees with surrogacy and some have other agendas. The offer was NOT made in front of other relatives. Her and her husband were simply trying to help a family member who was experiencing difficulty and had DEPLETED all of their savings so they could not afford surrogacy on their own.

I truly don't feel the OP was trying to come off as a savior and I don't feel like she is contributing to the drama by making this about herself. It sounds like her SIL has been suppressing a lot of grief and hostility and has taken it out on the OP. That is NOT the OP's fault. The offer was simply a trigger that released the pent up frustration/anger/grief, but let's be crystal clear about something - that is NOT OP's fault. The underlying issue was there- this was just the release that brought it to the surface. Nothing the SIL listed as far as the issues go (4 pregnancies, MIL/FIL loving her, she should have stopped at two) were the OP's fault so STOP trying to make OP into the villain. She is neither a villain nor hero. She is a human being who was trying to do something admirable for a friend/family member in need. It went horribly wrong and she is simply looking for advice.

[Anonymous]

The OP's wording of "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart' is right on target here. Maybe she could have said WE are making a choice OR WE made an offer. IMHO, she just went through an incredibly emotional ordeal and needed some support. Not criticism. Not everybody agrees with surrogacy and some have other agendas. The offer was NOT made in front of other relatives. Her and her husband were simply trying to help a family member who was experiencing difficulty and had DEPLETED all of their savings so they could not afford surrogacy on their own.

I truly don't feel the OP was trying to come off as a savior and I don't feel like she is contributing to the drama by making this about herself. It sounds like her SIL has been suppressing a lot of grief and hostility and has taken it out on the OP. That is NOT the OP's fault. The offer was simply a trigger that released the pent up frustration/anger/grief, but let's be crystal clear about something - that is NOT OP's fault. The underlying issue was there- this was just the release that brought it to the surface. Nothing the SIL listed as far as the issues go (4 pregnancies, MIL/FIL loving her, she should have stopped at two) were the OP's fault so STOP trying to make OP into the villain. She is neither a villain nor hero. She is a human being who was trying to do something admirable for a friend/family member in need. It went horribly wrong and she is simply looking for advice.

. Agree!

[Anonymous]

Do not do this OP. Her list of demands are insane. She mentions wanting you to keep this a secret, and yet is splashing this all over social media?

I shudder to think of her reaction if there is anything amiss with the pregnancy or if there is anything "wrong" with the baby. Who do you think she is going to blame? She will blame you and your four children that you have to take care of instead of taking care of the pregnancy.

And why the heck does she need to move in with your during the pregnancy?

I believe your intentions were good. But this is no longer a good option for anyone. And I would let this friendship go. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for OP. She sounds like a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for OP. She sounds like a good person.

I also feel see for SIL, it sounds like she has gone off the deep end. And I say this as someone who has dealt with infertility. I hope they all make it through this with their minds and emotions intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think the OP did anything malicious. But it is quite odd that she did not anticipate any sort of negative reaction, and seemed to have no clue as to how her SIL would receive the offer, and is continuing the drama by continuing to make this all about herself "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart." That makes me think that OP was more focused on how it would make HER feel to be the savior, than the actual situation at hand.

I am the poster that went through 5 years of infertility and had two friends offer to be surrogates for me (FWIW- I didn't pursue either option, but this isn't about me). Her SIL's reaction was quite bizarre to say the very least. I honestly don't think ANYONE could have predicted that. Yes, was she surprised and taken aback and negative initially? That possibly could have been foreseen. But lets break down exactly what happened:

- She finally said "no, absolutely not." I knew they would need time to process the offer so I said, "You two know we are here for you and the offer stands. We love you." Understandable initial reaction and acceptable response.

- DH's husband said "Of course of course this is a blessing, thank you, of course we will. How perfect, keep it in the family." At that she absolutely flipped. Good response from the husband (I think she meant DH's brother not husband, but I am not going to get nitpicky

THEN the SIL responded

- First that I had four children to spite her, I should have been sensitive to her infertility and stopped at two.
- If I had stopped at two she could have been a mother years ago.
- MIL/FIL loved me best because I could give them grandchildren and here I was being the "savior" giving them another.

After thinking about it, the SIL wanted to go forward, but offered some BIZARRE terms:
- the child would call me by first name only, never aunt
- We were never to tell the child or anyone else I was the surrogate
- I was never to complain about anything concerning the pregnancy, never to show any pain or discomfort or on the flip side express happiness about being pregnant. I was not to "rub being pregnant in her face"
- She and her husband would move in with us for the duration of the pregnancy.
- As soon as the child was born I was not to touch or look at the child until told I could, which she noted might be months.
- I am never to show any motherly tendencies towards the child, ever
- Since MIL/FIL had spent thousands on gifts for my children she expected the equivalent for hers.
- I told her I would take it up with my DH and she said "You know your offer almost caused a divorce so don't think about backing out now, you wanted this."


The OP's wording of "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart' is right on target here. Maybe she could have said WE are making a choice OR WE made an offer. IMHO, she just went through an incredibly emotional ordeal and needed some support. Not criticism. Not everybody agrees with surrogacy and some have other agendas. The offer was NOT made in front of other relatives. Her and her husband were simply trying to help a family member who was experiencing difficulty and had DEPLETED all of their savings so they could not afford surrogacy on their own.

I truly don't feel the OP was trying to come off as a savior and I don't feel like she is contributing to the drama by making this about herself. It sounds like her SIL has been suppressing a lot of grief and hostility and has taken it out on the OP. That is NOT the OP's fault. The offer was simply a trigger that released the pent up frustration/anger/grief, but let's be crystal clear about something - that is NOT OP's fault. The underlying issue was there- this was just the release that brought it to the surface. Nothing the SIL listed as far as the issues go (4 pregnancies, MIL/FIL loving her, she should have stopped at two) were the OP's fault so STOP trying to make OP into the villain. She is neither a villain nor hero. She is a human being who was trying to do something admirable for a friend/family member in need. It went horribly wrong and she is simply looking for advice.

Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

[Anonymous]

Please don't listen to the negative comments. The positive ones are right on target. peple are projecting their own hang ups onto you and failing to see the situation for what it is - a generous, selfless offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are making the right decision not to do this.

Agreed. OP, she sounds, from here on the internet, honestly unhinged and as though she would REALLY like to get you under her thumb. Do not do this (and BTW, I'm the poster who offered her uncle a kidney).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is crazy and it will be very tough trying to make her happy/meet all her demands. I would not do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

I Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you posted about this a while ago when you were considering it. It warmed my heart then, and I think you did all the right things and have been very gracious in the face of your sister-in-law's totally inappropriate reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Emotionally tone deaf. OP poked a bear and got bit. Sucks for OP, but don't go around poking bears.

So OP was supposed to assume a family member whom is also her dear friend, that needed a surrogate but could not afford it would react like this? You are way off.

Damn from this thread it seems a lot of people have no concept of family or selflessness.

Sad.

She should have assumed that there was the possibility of an extreme emotional reaction, yes. She already knew that there was serious marital discord about adoption, and that the SIL had had a very emotional reaction before surrounding these issues. I also find it VERY difficult to believe that OP had no idea that the SIL harbored jealous/hurt feelings about her. And by asking this couple together in public (when she KNEW they had had serious discord about adoption already) she was creating a really difficult situation between the couple - which was borne out when the BIL immediately said yes, and the SIL immediately said no. And it's also unclear why OP and her DH continued this for even a single second once they realized that the SIL had doubts, and instead seemed to be playing along with the BIL who wanted to strong-arm the SIL into it.