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I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.
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Anonymous
It is, it is about offering someone you love help in a time of need. This is just like that thread where people were outraged because the OPs husband offered a homeless man some food - the husband became the insensitive asshole in the equation. |
Anonymous
I guess it hit a little too close to home for you. |
Anonymous
Oh I agree that OP deserves compassion and understanding. She came from a place of generosity even though I think she made some strategic errors. But I also think SIL deserves compassion and understanding, not condemnation. You apparently only have compassion for the person offering to help, not the person in tremendous pain. And, no, that doesn't make me bitter. I'm not bitter. And sometimes people just disagree, it doesn't mean they are trying to put someone down. |
Anonymous
NP I think it was actually a pretty astute observation of the posters vilifying OP. |
Anonymous
You are making an awful lot of assumptions about me and about things I didn't say. I do have compassion for the SIL, I think she needs comprehensive grief therapy and likely more. Nice of you to put me down though. |
Anonymous
| Op you sound like a good person. That's all I have to say. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
The bolded, above, is what I wrote and what you responded to. If you weren't one of the ones putting SIL down, then why did you respond to that by saying that the only people you were accusing of being bitter were those putting OP down? So you agree with me that the people saying horrible things about SIL are also bitter people who feel the need to put people down to feel better about themselves? I'd add that they're horribly unkind and lacking in compassion. |
Anonymous
I haven't accused anyone of being bitter. |
Anonymous
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I think OP was being very generous and SIL needs some serious counseling, to put it mildly. I don't care if you have a horrible time in life for whatever reason - that might explain you lashing out like a lunatic, but it doesn't excuse it. Infertility, or any other bad thing in life, is not a carte blanche to behave horribly to others.
(As to people saying OP was tone deaf? I do not think so, but better to be a well-meaning tone-deaf person than a person who loses her mind in anger at a well-meaning offer that could solve your problems.) But in any event, there is no way OP should be a surrogate here - not only is the list of the demands unworkable, even if that list was retracted, the drama and hurt feelings would be never-ending. OP needs to think of her own nuclear family and her own mental well-being - and neither would be served by her being a gestational surrogate to a woman who is bitter and angry. Detach, detach, detach...Seriously, the moment someone unleashed that sort of a tirade at me for whatever reason, that relationship would be 100% over, probably to the mutual benefit of both parties. |
Anonymous
Oh my god. |
Anonymous
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OP here: I'd like to update those of you who are invested.
It has been a rough 24 hours or so. First I would like to say that I am really taken back by some of the posts here making assumptions about my thoughts, feelings and actions. My sister-in-law and I were very close and spent as much time together as we could. We were in communication every day. With their continued infertility I became more and more aware of what I said about being pregnant. I also did my best to never complain about anything relating to parenting. I always let her tell me as much or as little as she wanted and many times I was with her through some terrible nights. She has never once expressed outward resentment towards me. On my recent birthday she even expressed to me in a card how I was her dearest friend and we were not inlaws but truly sisters. While I appreciate the fierce defense of my SIL there are other people with feelings in this situation. I do not understand why I should not have had four children, this is what my DH and I wanted for our lives. As much as many of you wish to make me out to be a monster, I am sorry to disappoint you. My sister-in-law needs help and hopefully she is going to get it. I was hurt and shocked and yes, angry when I wrote my OP. I've spent days going through a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot say that I have been absolutely perfect over these twelve years. I have a right to be pregnant, to have showers and announcements. My husband has a right to be proud of his children. Their uncle has a right to spend time with them. Their grandparents have a right to spoil them. The longer SIL and BIL were infertile the more the rest of us did walk on eggshells and try our best to be sensitive, but we too have lives, emotions, hardships and joy. First allow me to make a few things clear. The stillborn and losses were all 7-9 years ago. I don't know why some of you believe I would offer surrogacy to a woman who had just lost a child with a baby bouncing on my hip out of the blue. Why even think that? Why does your mind go to the worst about my husband and I when all we were trying to do was help our family in a time of need. I did not do this to be a hero or a savior. I did this because my SIL and BIL are out of options. I didn't jump into this lightly. My husband and I went through all the proper steps and channels before even broaching the subject with SIL and BIL. I asked the lawyer who specializes in agreements such as these how to offer, I was thinking of putting it into a letter and we were advised to do it as a family. This seemed perfect as my husband's family is very close and he and his brother are best of friends. BIL had confided in my DH that SIL would only consider surrogacy and not adoption but they did not really have the finances for either. She was spending all day looking for ways to pay for surrogacy. My husband and I considered paying for it for them outright, hindsight I wish we had - though I am sure that would have been wrong to some of you too. This seemed like a win all around. Trust me, I didn't want to be pregnant again, especially not so soon and especially with so much medical intervention. If I wanted to be a savior I would have written a check. I was considering the pain of a surrogate who backed out, or lived far away or long waiting lists. My DH and I were well prepared they might say no. We were prepared that this would be a roller coaster ride of emotions. Remember I would be carrying a child for 40 weeks and then handing that baby over after birthing him/her. What we were not prepared for was someone who considered me her best friend and sister to snap and suddenly blame me for everything real or imagined. We certainly were not prepared for the next day and her list of demands or her social media spree. We were not prepared for the absolute cruelty and pain she caused my MIL. She said equally nasty things to her to the point that my MIL was hysterically crying and out of breath. None of this, none would have been a part of my SILs character if you had asked me about her a week ago. My husband met with his parents and brother last night because his brother asked them to. My BIL wants his wife to get therapy and even some medical intervention. He also wants a separation for now. He explained that I was on the top of their list to ask about surrogacy, the list also included my SILs adult niece and a cousin. He explained that SIL now wants to go through with the surrogacy and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. My husband refused and said there was no way emotionally we could at this time. BIL agreed. BIL admitted that he has wanted out of the marriage for a while, as it has taken a terrible toll on him as well - he too has lost children, and that this was the last straw. He was grateful that the flood gates had finally broken open because he was able to say things he had held inside. Please remember, he desperately wants children and wants to be young enough to enjoy them for a long time and he is trapped in the hell of infertility just as she is. SIL called me and broke my heart. She apologized, blamed it on everything under the sun and begged me to be her surrogate. I used a lot of the advice from this thread to navigate the conversation as delicately and compassionately as I could. It was agonizing to tell her I thought she needed to get help for her grief before even considering surrogacy. Surrogacy with a stranger. The call didn't end well and I will never be able to get her sorrow out of my head. My BIL is staying with his parents for now. SIL is staying in their home though he is worried she will head back to arizona where grew up and her family is, she isn't close with many of them. He has made appointments for her to get the help she needs right away. I will be there for her as much as I can, but I am emotionally tapped out and still a bit wounded from this experience. I think we both need distance, but I would never turn her away. I love her like a sister I never had. My DH is of course focused on his brother and mother. I want to thank DCUM for being their for me to vent this to. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to really see clearly. Even the cruel ones, even the ones that were mean for the sake of being mean. |
Anonymous
This is the heart of the situation, why is it so hard to understand? |
Anonymous
Please show us where OP has said she suffered more. |
Anonymous
| May God bless you all OP! |