DD 16 is involved in a sexual relationship
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Anonymous
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Look, I know teens have sex. But I am ASTONISHED at how many of you value good grades over protecting one's body and heart. WTF!
No matter how mature a teen seems, heartbreaks happens and when sex is involved it's an even more complicated relationship. That nice boy who was so considerate begins to dog the girl out, make her the villain and everyone at school think she's a slut. Or, she's so heartbroken that her grades suffer and, as a result, her academic future. Then there's the possibility of an accidental pregnancy and the angst that comes with abortion/adoption/raising a child. These scenarios are FAR more likely than this becoming some life long lasting relationship. My oldest two children are girls (19 & 15). They are both virgins. It is not through some special feat of my own (I was a teen parent), it is just how my girls are. In fact, they might skew too far the other way! While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active. I have open discussions with my children about sex, birth control, etc and they both take the "my body is special, I'm not giving it to some random" approach. While things could change, I am embracing this mindset in both of them. BTW, opposite sex friends are NOT allowed in the bedroom. Period. Teen "couples" aren't allowed privacy in my home. And I hope I have raised my children well enough to not be so absolutely disrespectful to have sex in my home and have their boyfriend come and go as he pleases! |
Anonymous
Not pp, but I have the same rules so here are my answers: -Movie with just the boy. Not okay. Group outing, yes. DH and I will drop-off and pick-up. -re: parties. Will drop-off and meet the parents. Want to go without me dropping off and confirming parents will be home? She's not going. -School football/basketball games are okay. Again, pick-up and drop-off. I don't think it's about absolutely eliminating the possibility of sex because horny teens can find time to do it WHEREVER (even while they're in school). It's about not giving them a clear avenue that encourages it. |
Anonymous
Yuck. I hope they mature out of it. A woman's worth or character isn't her sexual activity or lack thereof. How she treats others is what matters. And how your 15 year old is treating others is pretty awful. |
Anonymous
| In response to the posters that said 100 years ago 16 year olds got married so they could have sex... That's just wrong. The median age for first marriage among adults in 1910 was over 21 for women and over 25 for men. For women, it's never dipped below 20 (low point in the 1950s, not the 19th century) and for men the low point was 22 (also the 1950s). It was the booming post war economy that let people get married younger. |
Anonymous
We can agree to disagree. While she doesn't shame them, she just distances herself. I think it's great that she's learning how to select friends according to her value system. And, no matter what women like to pretend, having sex IS a big deal and our self worth IS tied to who we are intimate with. We can pretend that we are sexually liberated all we want, but it's all bullshit. |
Anonymous
I really can't speak for any other PPs but I don't think its accurate to say that parents value grades over "protecting one's body and heart". However, I think its naïve to think you can actually protect your child from heartbreak. It happens whether its at 16 or 18 and certainly it is more complicated when sex is involved. I've accepted the reality that if my kids choose to have sex, there isn't much I can do to prevent it. My kids are 16 and 14, both are still virgins. But my 16 yo son has a girlfriend, he has a car, a job, and hours of unsupervised time. For example, he worked 8am to 1pm on Saturday and Sunday. If he and his girlfriend wanted to have sex, they easily could have arranged it Saturday after he got off work. I will take issue with how your girls are VERY judgmental of "friends" who are sexually active. They sound very resentful and angry at their "friend's" personal choices- budding little DCUMers. You say that you don't like it- what have you done to help modify those beliefs and actions? Do you really want them to be VERY judgmental of people whose personal choices differ from theirs? It sounds like your efforts to "protect their body and heart" has placed their virginity over their ability to be accepting of different values and developing true friendships. Its a pretty myopic view of the world in order to postpone sex a year or two. Just my $.02. |
Anonymous
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"She said that" etc etc etc. No, I would confirm that. Please convey your values and your rules, but also convey that even if she's not in full alignment with those values and rules, your NUMBER ONE VALUE AND RULE is that you be a good mom, that you make sure you help her be healthy and safe any way that you can.
THEREFORE, putting this value and rule first, you want to help make sure she and her boyfriend are absolutely taking precautions. Can you confirm that she's seen her doc? That she knows about and has access to birth control? Because being pregnant is a big, big deal. Getting an abortion is a big, big deal. Carrying an STD around for the rest of your life is a big, big deal. And getting your heart broken is also a big deal--sex can make you feel very grown up and very close to someone, but one of you might some day decide to split up (maybe it'll be her, maybe it'll be him), and knowing that's possible is important, too--and you'll be there for her, of course.  And, I think it's important to acknowledge that most people have sex because it's fun and feels good, and the "other stuff" can be easy to forget. It's a lot to keep in mind, which is why most parents who have 'been there, done that' wish their kids would wait to have sex until they've had a lot of practice juggling other challenging but much less risky responsibilities.
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Anonymous
She seems to value sexual activity over traits like honesty, kindness, reliability. And throws away friendships over one issue. Very distorted. |
Anonymous
| I'd like to think the PP's daughter can differentiate between "a girl having sex in the context of a long-term committed relationship" and "a girl having sex (often dangerous) to impress someone else or fill some gap in her psyche." |
Anonymous
Yes, it's great that she's learning how to select friends according to her value system. But a value system that makes sexual inactivity the deciding factor of friendship is not a value system I'd want my daughters to have. As for what women do and don't like, how about this for an idea? You speak for yourself; I speak for myself; and neither of us claims to speak for all women everywhere. |
Anonymous
Agree. What is wrong with you first PP??? You need to work on that with them. Slut shaming is never ok. Especially when it comes from other women. They may think themselves superior but they are exhibiting some very ugly characteristics. Shame on them. |
Anonymous
NP here. Of course we all become closer to people who share certain values with us. But I see your DD's behavior as an adolescent phase, which I hope she'll grow through. If we distance ourselves from everybody who makes different choices from us, our lives will start to look sad. Why stop at sexual activity? She could distance herself from people of the other political party, or who don't eat the same diet as hers, who don't make the same choices with their education or career, or - later in life - people who parent differently. Once your DD is secure enough in her values and sense of self, she should be able to go about her life without keeping those friends at arms length. Signed, Someone who agrees generally with your views on teen sex |
Anonymous
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My mom's best friend got pregnant at 16 in high school, in 1959. My grandmother told my mom to shun her best friend because of it. This story always broke my heart, because if there is any time you truly need a friend, it's when you are in crisis (and unwed teen pregnancy in 1959 small town Maryland was indeed a crisis). My mom did not listen to her mom, thank goodness. But MANY people did turn their backs on her, and she felt the only way to make right was to marry the dad. Turns out he was and always had been very abusive. So she married a guy she knew was going to hit her so that society would think she was "worthy" again.
She's blind in one eye now from ex husband punching her. Has been for 50 something years. divorced fortunately. And quickly. And she and my mom are still friends in their 70s. But it really underscored for me, the fact that we need to support friends and not shun them when they do something we may not agree with. People make mistakes. But they aren't lost causes because of it. You can be a supportive friend or family member without condoning behavior you don't agree with. |
Anonymous
+1 It is a fine (and difficult) line to walk for your kids to have friends who engage in behaviors that are not inline with our values. But that's part of growing up and becoming and adult- at least for some of us. Shunning and slut-shaming is just an easy way out for people who aren't willing to engage in more complex relationships with their peers. |
Anonymous
+1 First PP, your DD sounds very immature. Maybe going away to college & getting away from you will help. |