DD 16 is involved in a sexual relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would kick her out. I'd call cps and say my child needs to go to foster care I don't approve of the choices she made and no apology will help. Then I'd sign over all rights and never speak to her again.

Your poor children. I hope someone tells them that their mother is a narcissist and batshit crazy.

It's the kind of parent who drives girls to get pregnant to have someone to love. No love at home.

No one actually needs to be loved. Highly un important in life. Wake up no one loves anyone they all just lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your little girl is grown up. People used to be married at 16.

More than 120 years ago. Wake up. She is still a little girl

They weren't any more mature or any different 120 years ago. They just had less education to complete. They got married because they wanted to have sex and they didn't have birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Marriage provided a framework to have sex and babies.

Sex is a developmental milestone. It's a normal, healthy part of becoming an adult. Puberty kicks in and then kids form relationships and then they have sex. Totally normal. Most kids have start having sex around 16-18. The majority have sex by age 17.

Yes, and 1 in 5 girls under the age of 21 reports having been raped before the age of 21. By your line of reasoning , rape is also therefore " normal" .

For some balance: sex isn't just a physical act like learning to mechanically operate a car. Pass the driver's test and you have crossed a milestone into adulthood. Sex is something enjoyed once you are an adult, engaging in it does not make you suddenly and adult . And boy, if a teen thinks that will magically happen once they have sex, they are in for a big disappointment and a lot of confused emotions.

Sex is a deeply intimate act and its for adults . I personally think if 33-79% of American teens are having sex by 17, the vast majority of them are not having a mature sexual relationship and a rewarding sex life. From what I hear teens say, there is a lot of objectifying and peer pressure , and the same kind of stupid stuff we saw written on bathroom wall in HS, only now its on FB and instragram.

Kids need to have a strong sense of themselves before becoming that intimately involved with another person. They also need to learn some respect for there personal boundaries . I think that having sex when your parents are down stairs is a sign of not having healthy boundaries. If your daughter was having sex at her job or in the school wouldn't you tell her its appropriate to find a private place ? Your house is not private when you are home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry the little children are offended, but it's to be expected -- they are kids and don't have the wisdom that adults do, so they will get offended at the things adults say.

Playing house and having good sex and being "really, really in LOVE!", while your entire life is funded and provided for by other adults, does not equal a committed relationship. A true committed relationship involves a huge amount of responsibility and sacrifice, something which is completely missing from the teen "committed" relationship. They are play-relationshipping, which in the vast majority of cases (*yes I realize there are exceptions!*) leaves them utterly unprepared for what a true, adult committed relationship looks and feels like. Look at all the completely incompetent adults -- even right here on DCUM -- who don't know how to sacrifice for their spouse and how to truly love their spouse; whose relationships are bitter and broken because they are not really getting (or giving) the care and support which is necessary to sustain adult marriages.

We do our children a disservice by allowing them to think that being in lust and having beautiful sex is the same thing as learning how to have an adult relationship. We do our children a disservice by allowing them to play at being grown-ups, without actually giving them true grown-up responsibilities. We do our children a disservice by allowing them to give their hearts and bodies to boys (or girls) who they are not actually becoming united with in a mature and lasting way. You may disagree, but I believe this leads to brokenness in spirit and in many cases leads to problems later on in marriage.

OP, you are in a pickle. I'm not sure exactly what I would do in this case. Aside from talking at great length with the kids, I'd probably start requiring far more adult responsibilities from my daughter, since she is choosing to make an attempt at an adult relationship. Does she pay for her own cell phone? How about her transportation? Does she provide or prepare any of the family meals? What's her chore load like? I'd probably start there and insist on a higher level of contribution in all areas. And honestly, it would NOT be about punishment. I realize that teens have strong sexual feelings and act on them -- and I don't think it makes them bad kids or anything. It's just that as parents, we need to help them understand what responsibility and self-discipline really are, so that they can be adults who are capable of entering into mature and lasting relationships.

+ 1. Very well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would kick her out. I'd call cps and say my child needs to go to foster care I don't approve of the choices she made and no apology will help. Then I'd sign over all rights and never speak to her again.

Your poor children. I hope someone tells them that their mother is a narcissist and batshit crazy.

It's the kind of parent who drives girls to get pregnant to have someone to love. No love at home.

PP was making a sarcastic joke, you dolts !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would kick her out. I'd call cps and say my child needs to go to foster care I don't approve of the choices she made and no apology will help. Then I'd sign over all rights and never speak to her again.

Your poor children. I hope someone tells them that their mother is a narcissist and batshit crazy.

It's the kind of parent who drives girls to get pregnant to have someone to love. No love at home.

PP was making a sarcastic joke, you dolts !!

You haven't been on DCUM very long, have you?

[Anonymous]

I was like your daughter when I was 16. But I didn't tell my mother! He was my first love... It was great and nobody would be able to separate us. We had a long relationship - 5 years. But then one day it was finally over. He is my Facebook friend now.

I don't know what I would do now that I am the mother (maybe there isn't anything to be done).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 year old. Committed relationship. Two words that do not belong together unless you people have a very warped definition of a committed relationship.
Teens have sex. Fine. But don't fool yourselves about the committed relationship part. They THINK it is a committed relationship. Not the same thing.

You can believe what you want, PP. DH and I are high school sweethearts, been together 10 years. Like OP's DD I had a 4.3 in high school, took many AP credits, and was in the marching band.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year old. Committed relationship. Two words that do not belong together unless you people have a very warped definition of a committed relationship.
Teens have sex. Fine. But don't fool yourselves about the committed relationship part. They THINK it is a committed relationship. Not the same thing.

You can believe what you want, PP. DH and I are high school sweethearts, been together 10 years. Like OP's DD I had a 4.3 in high school, took many AP credits, and was in the marching band.

It's not that I don't believe you, I just don't think what you're suggesting is very common. Something like 70% of all people married before the age of 20 are divorced within 10 years. Obviously you've beat the odds, but let's not pretend that you would have any confidence at all in your kid if they claimed they wanted to settle down with their high school girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year old. Committed relationship. Two words that do not belong together unless you people have a very warped definition of a committed relationship.
Teens have sex. Fine. But don't fool yourselves about the committed relationship part. They THINK it is a committed relationship. Not the same thing.

You can believe what you want, PP. DH and I are high school sweethearts, been together 10 years. Like OP's DD I had a 4.3 in high school, took many AP credits, and was in the marching band.

It's not that I don't believe you, I just don't think what you're suggesting is very common. Something like 70% of all people married before the age of 20 are divorced within 10 years. Obviously you've beat the odds, but let's not pretend that you would have any confidence at all in your kid if they claimed they wanted to settle down with their high school girlfriend.

I think you are equating "committed relationship" with "lasting forever" and most people in this culture don't do that. Most people expect people to have several serious relationships before they marry. In this respect, "committed" means being sincere, monogamous, and respectful. And in love. It does not mean FWB, sneaking around, telling the guys what you did last night, or faking love to get the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would kick her out. I'd call cps and say my child needs to go to foster care I don't approve of the choices she made and no apology will help. Then I'd sign over all rights and never speak to her again.

Go and look for your you husband....he is at the corner strip joint and when you get back burn all he's porn collection

[Anonymous]

DDs are allowed boys to visit in our kitchen/family room only.

DDs dont "date" at boys houses at all.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe OP allows her DD and BF upstairs alone! My parents would have never allowed that and I won't with my daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD has a small "study" attached to her bedroom and she and her boyfriend study up there (or at least part of the time now). We never disturb her. Her room also has an door to the outside so we don't even know went he comes and goes (Christ, the puns are inevitable!)

DD told me that her doctor tested them both for STDs, even though she was a virgin, and they came back clean.

I know his parents but don't feel comfortable bring up this issue with them - should I? I don't know if they know...

On one hand, I am very proud of the way DD handled this - she told her boyfriend that there would be no fooling around at all before they made the decision to get into a sexual relationship and to go to the doctor. She felt very strongly that, as the female, she didn't want to play the game of the girl being the "goal keeper" and the one responsible for saying no. Apparently he respected this so there was nothing beyond kissing until she had a month on the pill.

On the other hand, my daughter is having sex in her bedroom with her boyfriend!!!! I just cannot get past this and honestly don't know if there is anything I could or should do!!! I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know why I wasn't - denial, I guess.

DD's father passed away when she was seven and I have not told her step-father. She very close to him and he adores her - I don't know how he would take it.

The readers of this thread are the only people who know my daughter is having sex. Regularly. Upstairs.

Yikes! Why don't you just get her an apartment of her own since she is basically raising herself. These comments are so depressing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DDs are allowed boys to visit in our kitchen/family room only.

DDs dont "date" at boys houses at all.

I am an old-fashioned older parent, so hese sond like sensible rules to me. But do you allow your daughters to go to the movies with boys? To parties with boys? Sports events? Are all their "dates" chaperoned? I do not mean to sound skeptical; my DD is younger than your children, and I want to know how such rules work in practice.