DD 16 is involved in a sexual relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I know teens have sex. But I am ASTONISHED at how many of you value good grades over protecting one's body and heart. WTF!

No matter how mature a teen seems, heartbreaks happens and when sex is involved it's an even more complicated relationship. That nice boy who was so considerate begins to dog the girl out, make her the villain and everyone at school think she's a slut. Or, she's so heartbroken that her grades suffer and, as a result, her academic future. Then there's the possibility of an accidental pregnancy and the angst that comes with abortion/adoption/raising a child. These scenarios are FAR more likely than this becoming some life long lasting relationship.

My oldest two children are girls (19 & 15). They are both virgins. It is not through some special feat of my own (I was a teen parent), it is just how my girls are. In fact, they might skew too far the other way! While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active. I have open discussions with my children about sex, birth control, etc and they both take the "my body is special, I'm not giving it to some random" approach. While things could change, I am embracing this mindset in both of them.

BTW, opposite sex friends are NOT allowed in the bedroom. Period. Teen "couples" aren't allowed privacy in my home. And I hope I have raised my children well enough to not be so absolutely disrespectful to have sex in my home and have their boyfriend come and go as he pleases!

Yuck. I hope they mature out of it. A woman's worth or character isn't her sexual activity or lack thereof. How she treats others is what matters. And how your 15 year old is treating others is pretty awful.

We can agree to disagree. While she doesn't shame them, she just distances herself. I think it's great that she's learning how to select friends according to her value system.

And, no matter what women like to pretend, having sex IS a big deal and our self worth IS tied to who we are intimate with. We can pretend that we are sexually liberated all we want, but it's all bullshit.

She seems to value sexual activity over traits like honesty, kindness, reliability. And throws away friendships over one issue. Very distorted.

+1

First PP, your DD sounds very immature.

Maybe going away to college & getting away from you will help.

I'm trying to imagine campus life for a 19 year old who is VERY judgmental of women who are having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm trying to imagine campus life for a 19 year old who is VERY judgmental of women who are having sex.

But not of men, evidently. PP did not say anything about PP's daughters' opinions of boys who have sex. All the judgment is saved for the girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I know teens have sex. But I am ASTONISHED at how many of you value good grades over protecting one's body and heart. WTF!

No matter how mature a teen seems, heartbreaks happens and when sex is involved it's an even more complicated relationship. That nice boy who was so considerate begins to dog the girl out, make her the villain and everyone at school think she's a slut. Or, she's so heartbroken that her grades suffer and, as a result, her academic future. Then there's the possibility of an accidental pregnancy and the angst that comes with abortion/adoption/raising a child. These scenarios are FAR more likely than this becoming some life long lasting relationship.

My oldest two children are girls (19 & 15). They are both virgins. It is not through some special feat of my own (I was a teen parent), it is just how my girls are. In fact, they might skew too far the other way! While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active. I have open discussions with my children about sex, birth control, etc and they both take the "my body is special, I'm not giving it to some random" approach. While things could change, I am embracing this mindset in both of them.

BTW, opposite sex friends are NOT allowed in the bedroom. Period. Teen "couples" aren't allowed privacy in my home. And I hope I have raised my children well enough to not be so absolutely disrespectful to have sex in my home and have their boyfriend come and go as he pleases!

Yuck. I hope they mature out of it. A woman's worth or character isn't her sexual activity or lack thereof. How she treats others is what matters. And how your 15 year old is treating others is pretty awful.

We can agree to disagree. While she doesn't shame them, she just distances herself. I think it's great that she's learning how to select friends according to her value system.

And, no matter what women like to pretend, having sex IS a big deal and our self worth IS tied to who we are intimate with. We can pretend that we are sexually liberated all we want, but it's all bullshit.

She seems to value sexual activity over traits like honesty, kindness, reliability. And throws away friendships over one issue. Very distorted.[/quote

Wrong. She realizes that her personal morals don't align with those of other girls and chooses to distance herself. I'm okay with that. Just as I would be okay with her distancing herself from other questionable behavior (underage drinking, smoking, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We can agree to disagree. While she doesn't shame them, she just distances herself. I think it's great that she's learning how to select friends according to her value system.

And, no matter what women like to pretend, having sex IS a big deal and our self worth IS tied to who we are intimate with. We can pretend that we are sexually liberated all we want, but it's all bullshit.

NP here. Of course we all become closer to people who share certain values with us. But I see your DD's behavior as an adolescent phase, which I hope she'll grow through. If we distance ourselves from everybody who makes different choices from us, our lives will start to look sad. Why stop at sexual activity? She could distance herself from people of the other political party, or who don't eat the same diet as hers, who don't make the same choices with their education or career, or - later in life - people who parent differently. Once your DD is secure enough in her values and sense of self, she should be able to go about her life without keeping those friends at arms length.

Signed,
Someone who agrees generally with your views on teen sex

You are overthinking this. My daughter is 15. She distances herself from girls who are boy-crazy and brag about having sex. Again, I'm okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I know teens have sex. But I am ASTONISHED at how many of you value good grades over protecting one's body and heart. WTF!

No matter how mature a teen seems, heartbreaks happens and when sex is involved it's an even more complicated relationship. That nice boy who was so considerate begins to dog the girl out, make her the villain and everyone at school think she's a slut. Or, she's so heartbroken that her grades suffer and, as a result, her academic future. Then there's the possibility of an accidental pregnancy and the angst that comes with abortion/adoption/raising a child. These scenarios are FAR more likely than this becoming some life long lasting relationship.

My oldest two children are girls (19 & 15). They are both virgins. It is not through some special feat of my own (I was a teen parent), it is just how my girls are. In fact, they might skew too far the other way! While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active. I have open discussions with my children about sex, birth control, etc and they both take the "my body is special, I'm not giving it to some random" approach. While things could change, I am embracing this mindset in both of them.

BTW, opposite sex friends are NOT allowed in the bedroom. Period. Teen "couples" aren't allowed privacy in my home. And I hope I have raised my children well enough to not be so absolutely disrespectful to have sex in my home and have their boyfriend come and go as he pleases!

Yuck. I hope they mature out of it. A woman's worth or character isn't her sexual activity or lack thereof. How she treats others is what matters. And how your 15 year old is treating others is pretty awful.

We can agree to disagree. While she doesn't shame them, she just distances herself. I think it's great that she's learning how to select friends according to her value system.

And, no matter what women like to pretend, having sex IS a big deal and our self worth IS tied to who we are intimate with. We can pretend that we are sexually liberated all we want, but it's all bullshit.

She seems to value sexual activity over traits like honesty, kindness, reliability. And throws away friendships over one issue. Very distorted.

+1

First PP, your DD sounds very immature.

Maybe going away to college & getting away from you will help.

I'm trying to imagine campus life for a 19 year old who is VERY judgmental of women who are having sex.

Sorry, but having sex with random guys in college is nothing to be proud of. My oldest daughter doesn't drink. When she went away to school, she didn't form close association with boys/girls who partied and drank a lot. I think it's perfectly normal to not want to form close attachment to people if your values are out of sync.

Why would I want my 15 year old daughter in a close friendship with girls who constantly talk about sex? She's said that, once they lost their virginity, that's all they talked about and it got old. Again, I'm comfortable with her choice to distance herself from these sort of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but having sex with random guys in college is nothing to be proud of. My oldest daughter doesn't drink. When she went away to school, she didn't form close association with boys/girls who partied and drank a lot. I think it's perfectly normal to not want to form close attachment to people if your values are out of sync.

Why would I want my 15 year old daughter in a close friendship with girls who constantly talk about sex? She's said that, once they lost their virginity, that's all they talked about and it got old. Again, I'm comfortable with her choice to distance herself from these sort of friends.

Well, the previous conversation wasn't about college women having sex with random guys. You (or the PP) said the 19 year old daughter was VERY judgmental of sexually active women. A bit of a difference. There also is a difference between a couple dating exclusively and being sexually active and "boy crazy" girls who brag about having sex with multiple guys. I'd focus on the specific behaviors, how unprotected sex and multiple partners raise the risk of STDs and pregnancy. I also wouldn't encourage a friendship between my 14 year old daughter and girls who constantly talk about sex. Trust me- they are in our school as well. But that's not how you (or the PP) phrased it earlier. Your daughters (or the PP's) are "VERY judgmental of girls who have sex". Not simply "distancing themselves" or "forming close attachments to people with values in synch".

Your daughter's values are at the far end of the bell curve- and that's fine. But you're encouraging (or at a minimum not discouraging) them to be VERY judgmental of people who have different values. Its one thing to hang out with people with similar interests and another one entirely to walk around with a holier-than-thou attitude, looking down on all the slutty alcoholics of the world.

If you can't understand that subtle difference, it explains a lot about you and your daughters' shitty outlook on people who make different choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but having sex with random guys in college is nothing to be proud of. My oldest daughter doesn't drink. When she went away to school, she didn't form close association with boys/girls who partied and drank a lot. I think it's perfectly normal to not want to form close attachment to people if your values are out of sync.

Why would I want my 15 year old daughter in a close friendship with girls who constantly talk about sex? She's said that, once they lost their virginity, that's all they talked about and it got old. Again, I'm comfortable with her choice to distance herself from these sort of friends.

Well, the previous conversation wasn't about college women having sex with random guys. You (or the PP) said the 19 year old daughter was VERY judgmental of sexually active women. A bit of a difference. There also is a difference between a couple dating exclusively and being sexually active and "boy crazy" girls who brag about having sex with multiple guys. I'd focus on the specific behaviors, how unprotected sex and multiple partners raise the risk of STDs and pregnancy. I also wouldn't encourage a friendship between my 14 year old daughter and girls who constantly talk about sex. Trust me- they are in our school as well. But that's not how you (or the PP) phrased it earlier. Your daughters (or the PP's) are "VERY judgmental of girls who have sex". Not simply "distancing themselves" or "forming close attachments to people with values in synch".

Your daughter's values are at the far end of the bell curve- and that's fine. But you're encouraging (or at a minimum not discouraging) them to be VERY judgmental of people who have different values. Its one thing to hang out with people with similar interests and another one entirely to walk around with a holier-than-thou attitude, looking down on all the slutty alcoholics of the world.

If you can't understand that subtle difference, it explains a lot about you and your daughters' shitty outlook on people who make different choices.

You're dense. I don't have to include every single teeny tiny detail when I post. I neither discourage or encourage the behavior. But if my (15 y/o) chooses not to associate with friends who now only want to talk about boys/sex, I'm fine with it...period.

If choosing not to give away her virginity to any guy who shows her an interest in high school equals being at the far end of the bell curve, it's DEFINITELY fine with me.

Not sure where you're getting that they slut-shame or look down their noses at the girls/guys. They don't. They just don't associate with them. There's a difference. It's great that everyone is allowed to make their own choices. It's also okay if my children choose not to associate with people who make choices that they aren't comfortable being around (ex: pot smokers, underage drinking, sex, etc). YMMW, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but having sex with random guys in college is nothing to be proud of. My oldest daughter doesn't drink. When she went away to school, she didn't form close association with boys/girls who partied and drank a lot. I think it's perfectly normal to not want to form close attachment to people if your values are out of sync.

Why would I want my 15 year old daughter in a close friendship with girls who constantly talk about sex? She's said that, once they lost their virginity, that's all they talked about and it got old. Again, I'm comfortable with her choice to distance herself from these sort of friends.

Well, the previous conversation wasn't about college women having sex with random guys. You (or the PP) said the 19 year old daughter was VERY judgmental of sexually active women. A bit of a difference. There also is a difference between a couple dating exclusively and being sexually active and "boy crazy" girls who brag about having sex with multiple guys. I'd focus on the specific behaviors, how unprotected sex and multiple partners raise the risk of STDs and pregnancy. I also wouldn't encourage a friendship between my 14 year old daughter and girls who constantly talk about sex. Trust me- they are in our school as well. But that's not how you (or the PP) phrased it earlier. Your daughters (or the PP's) are "VERY judgmental of girls who have sex". Not simply "distancing themselves" or "forming close attachments to people with values in synch".

Your daughter's values are at the far end of the bell curve- and that's fine. But you're encouraging (or at a minimum not discouraging) them to be VERY judgmental of people who have different values. Its one thing to hang out with people with similar interests and another one entirely to walk around with a holier-than-thou attitude, looking down on all the slutty alcoholics of the world.

If you can't understand that subtle difference, it explains a lot about you and your daughters' shitty outlook on people who make different choices.

You're dense. I don't have to include every single teeny tiny detail when I post. I neither discourage or encourage the behavior. But if my (15 y/o) chooses not to associate with friends who now only want to talk about boys/sex, I'm fine with it...period.

If choosing not to give away her virginity to any guy who shows her an interest in high school equals being at the far end of the bell curve, it's DEFINITELY fine with me.

Not sure where you're getting that they slut-shame or look down their noses at the girls/guys. They don't. They just don't associate with them. There's a difference. It's great that everyone is allowed to make their own choices. It's also okay if my children choose not to associate with people who make choices that they aren't comfortable being around (ex: pot smokers, underage drinking, sex, etc). YMMW, of course.

Your original post about your JUDGMENTAL daughters who stop talking to people when they find out they are sexually active:

"While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your original post about your JUDGMENTAL daughters who stop talking to people when they find out they are sexually active:

"While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active"

Thank you, that PP was talking out of both sides of her mouth.

FWIW- my daughter (14) distances her self from the "boy crazy" clique. The primary reason is that she finds them to be annoying, obnoxious, and she doesn't have much in common with them. Trust me- I'm happy she's not in that group. But its also important for her to choose and develop friendships based on reasons beyond whether or not someone is sexually active. My son (16) was friends with several boys who now drink, dip, and smoke weed. According to him, that's almost all these guys talk about. My son has a couple classes with them, they're on the football team together, so he talks to them- he doesn't ostracize them but he really doesn't consider them to be friends either. When they show up at school drunk or high, it makes him sad and thinks they're making really bad choices.

So I think it is possible for your kids to distance themselves from kids who are making bad choices. Hell, that's something we as parents should encourage them to do. But back to that PP- I don't think we should encourage our kids to be "VERY judgmental" about people who make bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. Except that PP and her daughters apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your original post about your JUDGMENTAL daughters who stop talking to people when they find out they are sexually active:

"While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active"

Thank you, that PP was talking out of both sides of her mouth.

FWIW- my daughter (14) distances her self from the "boy crazy" clique. The primary reason is that she finds them to be annoying, obnoxious, and she doesn't have much in common with them. Trust me- I'm happy she's not in that group. But its also important for her to choose and develop friendships based on reasons beyond whether or not someone is sexually active. My son (16) was friends with several boys who now drink, dip, and smoke weed. According to him, that's almost all these guys talk about. My son has a couple classes with them, they're on the football team together, so he talks to them- he doesn't ostracize them but he really doesn't consider them to be friends either. When they show up at school drunk or high, it makes him sad and thinks they're making really bad choices.

So I think it is possible for your kids to distance themselves from kids who are making bad choices. Hell, that's something we as parents should encourage them to do. But back to that PP- I don't think we should encourage our kids to be "VERY judgmental" about people who make bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. Except that PP and her daughters apparently.

Hmmm...My girls do exactly as your son does, but somehow my situation is worse? Whatever. The know it alls of DCUM have spoken and that's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your original post about your JUDGMENTAL daughters who stop talking to people when they find out they are sexually active:

"While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active"

Thank you, that PP was talking out of both sides of her mouth.

FWIW- my daughter (14) distances her self from the "boy crazy" clique. The primary reason is that she finds them to be annoying, obnoxious, and she doesn't have much in common with them. Trust me- I'm happy she's not in that group. But its also important for her to choose and develop friendships based on reasons beyond whether or not someone is sexually active. My son (16) was friends with several boys who now drink, dip, and smoke weed. According to him, that's almost all these guys talk about. My son has a couple classes with them, they're on the football team together, so he talks to them- he doesn't ostracize them but he really doesn't consider them to be friends either. When they show up at school drunk or high, it makes him sad and thinks they're making really bad choices.

So I think it is possible for your kids to distance themselves from kids who are making bad choices. Hell, that's something we as parents should encourage them to do. But back to that PP- I don't think we should encourage our kids to be "VERY judgmental" about people who make bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. Except that PP and her daughters apparently.

Hmmm...My girls do exactly as your son does, but somehow my situation is worse? Whatever. The know it alls of DCUM have spoken and that's that.

No, your girls don't -- at least not according to you, if you're the "VERY judgmental" PP. Your girls think that girls who have sex are bad. PP's sons think that boys who drink, dip, and smoke weed are boring and unwise. Do you perceive the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your original post about your JUDGMENTAL daughters who stop talking to people when they find out they are sexually active:

"While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active"

Thank you, that PP was talking out of both sides of her mouth.

FWIW- my daughter (14) distances her self from the "boy crazy" clique. The primary reason is that she finds them to be annoying, obnoxious, and she doesn't have much in common with them. Trust me- I'm happy she's not in that group. But its also important for her to choose and develop friendships based on reasons beyond whether or not someone is sexually active. My son (16) was friends with several boys who now drink, dip, and smoke weed. According to him, that's almost all these guys talk about. My son has a couple classes with them, they're on the football team together, so he talks to them- he doesn't ostracize them but he really doesn't consider them to be friends either. When they show up at school drunk or high, it makes him sad and thinks they're making really bad choices.

So I think it is possible for your kids to distance themselves from kids who are making bad choices. Hell, that's something we as parents should encourage them to do. But back to that PP- I don't think we should encourage our kids to be "VERY judgmental" about people who make bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. Except that PP and her daughters apparently.

Hmmm...My girls do exactly as your son does, but somehow my situation is worse? Whatever. The know it alls of DCUM have spoken and that's that.

No, your girls don't -- at least not according to you, if you're the "VERY judgmental" PP. Your girls think that girls who have sex are bad. PP's sons think that boys who drink, dip, and smoke weed are boring and unwise. Do you perceive the difference?

Wow...you're thick. Even when I write what I mean, you insist it's wrong. How very wise of you to know my thoughts better than me. I made a blanket statement. I then provided clarification. I think folks here understand what I mean. Why you want to remain pissed is puzzling, but it's your problem.

BTW, NOWHERE do I state that my girls think sexually active girls are bad. Feel free to point out where I said this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your original post about your JUDGMENTAL daughters who stop talking to people when they find out they are sexually active:

"While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex. My 15 year old has stopped talking to friends when she finds out they are sexually active"

Thank you, that PP was talking out of both sides of her mouth.

FWIW- my daughter (14) distances her self from the "boy crazy" clique. The primary reason is that she finds them to be annoying, obnoxious, and she doesn't have much in common with them. Trust me- I'm happy she's not in that group. But its also important for her to choose and develop friendships based on reasons beyond whether or not someone is sexually active. My son (16) was friends with several boys who now drink, dip, and smoke weed. According to him, that's almost all these guys talk about. My son has a couple classes with them, they're on the football team together, so he talks to them- he doesn't ostracize them but he really doesn't consider them to be friends either. When they show up at school drunk or high, it makes him sad and thinks they're making really bad choices.

So I think it is possible for your kids to distance themselves from kids who are making bad choices. Hell, that's something we as parents should encourage them to do. But back to that PP- I don't think we should encourage our kids to be "VERY judgmental" about people who make bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. Except that PP and her daughters apparently.

Hmmm...My girls do exactly as your son does, but somehow my situation is worse? Whatever. The know it alls of DCUM have spoken and that's that.

No, your girls don't -- at least not according to you, if you're the "VERY judgmental" PP. Your girls think that girls who have sex are bad. PP's sons think that boys who drink, dip, and smoke weed are boring and unwise. Do you perceive the difference?

Wow...you're thick. Even when I write what I mean, you insist it's wrong. How very wise of you to know my thoughts better than me. I made a blanket statement. I then provided clarification. I think folks here understand what I mean. Why you want to remain pissed is puzzling, but it's your problem.

BTW, NOWHERE do I state that my girls think sexually active girls are bad. Feel free to point out where I said this.

Your repeated use of ALL CAPS indicates that you have a basic understanding of internet protocol. When you YELL and EMPHASIZE that your daughters are VERY judgmental and "while you don't like it..." you do nothing about it- it conveys a VERY specific message.

You said- "While I don't like it, they are VERY judgmental of girls who have sex."

There really isn't any simpler way to explain and point out what you said and why we are reacting to you and your daughters' mindset.

[Anonymous]

what the hell?! I would never let a boy in my daughters bedroom. You are responsible for her. This is neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you, I would tell her not to have sex when you guys are at home...it's disrespectful, IMO. And imagine how terrible it would be if one of you walked in. They'll find plenty of other ways/times to have sex. Also, was her boyfriend tested for STDs? I would make sure they both had a full battery of tests, and would still tell my DD to use a condom (even though she's on the pill) because he could be cheating, etc.

This is excellent advice.