Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more cringe-y than a second wedding pretending to be a first (real) wedding.

Wow, the bitterness on this board is amazing!! This has nothing to do with the child, this has everything to do with pettiness. Your marriage was "real", but when your ex-husband remarries that is not real??

Not if you take someone's vows seriously "til death do us part"? How humiliating to stand up in front of the same people who watched you promise that the first time, and they are all politely pretending that never happened.

Exactly everybody’s taking bets on the wedding in the back.

A second Money grab and present grab so tacky

So true especially after the guests have had a few drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

I don't understand this mindset that a child cannot have any activities scheduled over "dad's time". How do you come up with that? Life doesn't stop on dad's weekends; children still have school, homework, other commitments. What do you think they should do over "dad's time"? Sit and stare at each other all day? Eat ice cream nonstop? What's with the weird notion that dad's weekend=missed practice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You win the award for most offensive thing stated on the Internet today. You are also ridiculous and doing family wrong. P.S., no one PLANS for divorce. I'm going to guess yours are under 5. The model you describe is not sustainable. Report back in 10 years when you're sleeping in separate bedrooms and resentment has built up.

LOL - who died and made you an expert on doing family right? Who cares what you think?

We've been married for 16 years. Our oldest is in high school. I don't care what you married for. We married to procreate and raise children, and we're doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

I don't understand this mindset that a child cannot have any activities scheduled over "dad's time". How do you come up with that? Life doesn't stop on dad's weekends; children still have school, homework, other commitments. What do you think they should do over "dad's time"? Sit and stare at each other all day? Eat ice cream nonstop? What's with the weird notion that dad's weekend=missed practice?

I don’t get why you think I said kid should miss practice. The question was if OP would not attend herself and let her ex be the parent who handles practices. Though if OP signed up the kid for intensive year round athletics without her Ex’s buy in, that’s a separate issue...

[Anonymous]

A dad who disappoints and stands up his own child for 20 weekends is a "garbage person" as pp put it. That's just basic failing at life. If you grew up with a shitty dad, you know how horrible this feels---especially if he is instead spending time with his new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

This is very true. There are posters in houses of worship that are pyramid shaped on the walls of classrooms. God first. Spouse second on the pyramid. Rest of family third. Too
many women (and I'm a woman) put there kids first and the marriage crumbles.

What kind of bizarre churches are these? I have never seen a poster like this.

+1 And I’m Catholic! Must be some fundie misogynist cult. Keep popping kids out every 12-18 months, but treat them second to the father? That’s cruel and gross.

Agree! Are you sure you didn't see this poster on the walls of the Duggar's house when you were over for "church"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You win the award for most offensive thing stated on the Internet today. You are also ridiculous and doing family wrong. P.S., no one PLANS for divorce. I'm going to guess yours are under 5. The model you describe is not sustainable. Report back in 10 years when you're sleeping in separate bedrooms and resentment has built up.

LOL - who died and made you an expert on doing family right? Who cares what you think?

We've been married for 16 years. Our oldest is in high school. I don't care what you married for. We married to procreate and raise children, and we're doing it.

You are doing it wrong. Whatever. Your poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

Ok so maybe he’s weak. Maybe he isn’t willing to argue with his ex wife anymore, who has made it clear she and DS are just fine without him, thanks. Not dad of the year but not a villain either.

Are you joking? Of COURSE he's a villian if he's flaking on his child because of his own personal discomfort or dislike of sports. That's totally bogus. "Sorry son, I missed all of our weekends because you mom is mean." No. You show up, and if you can't get along with your x, you sit a few feet away. And then you make sure you get some 1:1 time after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

I don't understand this mindset that a child cannot have any activities scheduled over "dad's time". How do you come up with that? Life doesn't stop on dad's weekends; children still have school, homework, other commitments. What do you think they should do over "dad's time"? Sit and stare at each other all day? Eat ice cream nonstop? What's with the weird notion that dad's weekend=missed practice?

because dads exist outside of the family space-time contiuum, and get to do whatever they want whenever it pleases them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

Ok so maybe he’s weak. Maybe he isn’t willing to argue with his ex wife anymore, who has made it clear she and DS are just fine without him, thanks. Not dad of the year but not a villain either.

Are you joking? Of COURSE he's a villian if he's flaking on his child because of his own personal discomfort or dislike of sports. That's totally bogus. "Sorry son, I missed all of our weekends because you mom is mean." No. You show up, and if you can't get along with your x, you sit a few feet away. And then you make sure you get some 1:1 time after.

Ah okay there it is. No, moms are not entitled to come to every practice when it’s dad’s weekend. They need to step back. You’re divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

Ok so maybe he’s weak. Maybe he isn’t willing to argue with his ex wife anymore, who has made it clear she and DS are just fine without him, thanks. Not dad of the year but not a villain either.

Are you joking? Of COURSE he's a villian if he's flaking on his child because of his own personal discomfort or dislike of sports. That's totally bogus. "Sorry son, I missed all of our weekends because you mom is mean." No. You show up, and if you can't get along with your x, you sit a few feet away. And then you make sure you get some 1:1 time after.

Ah okay there it is. No, moms are not entitled to come to every practice when it’s dad’s weekend. They need to step back. You’re divorced now.

I don't even know what you're talking about. If you're going to boycott SEEING YOUR OWN CHILD because your ex is there, you're the one with the issue. If you want to negotiate for having more 1:1 time, then do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

+1 25 years, happily married. If our kid made nationals, heck even regionals, we'd drop everything to be there (and so would probably our entire extended family). Dad should know when nationals are and how close the kid is to making it. If he doesn't know, then he is truly checked out that boys' life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

No. You have a bizarre way of looking at things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

No. You have a bizarre way of looking at things.

You honestly think that an absentee dad's marriage to his second wife is the same as the birth of a child? On what planet? PP is absolutely correct here -- the compromise and sacrifice for family is to move the wedding date. The fact that the fiance won't do it (and the dad won't insist on it) says terrible things about them.