Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

If the FATHER cared so much, he could have showed up for the past few years, and could have taken steps not to deliberately create this conflict for his child. What kind of ADULT does that to a child?

First of all, I don't consider OP to be a reliable narrator here. She lied in her first post that this was some sort of dilemma and that she couldn't decide when, in fact, she already knew what she wanted to do and was seeking validation. When that was not really forthcoming, she continued to contort herself by badmouthing both her ex and his fiancée, who she claims to not know. So, that's a polite way of saying OP is basically a lying liar who lies and has an axe to grind.

If, in fact, this child is playing sports at some actual elite level, like junior Olympics or whatever, that's one thing. But if he's like the thousands of kids in this area playing "club" or "travel" sports where obscene amounts of time are spent practicing during the week and tournaments/games every weekend year-round, I'm quite certain that has created a conflict with father's custody time. So at that point, he had a choice: Either forbid it, give up the time so kid can go play sportsball every weekend, or suck it up. You can argue he should have sucked it up and spent his weekends on the sidelines. But it's also valid for an adult to have a life of his own. So, maybe, just maybe, he yielded on the sport during these last two years in which OP seems obsessed with preparing her prodigy son (ha) for a POSSIBLE spot on a team that MIGHT go to a national championship MONTHS from now. But she doesn't get to monopolize kid's time with this sport and then whine that he was checked out.

Any Dad I know would be attending a truly national elite Olympic level, Goodwill Games level sport. Even if the Dad could not afford it the Dad's coworkers would be passing
around the hat at work so that Dad and fiance could attend. I virtually know no Dad that would not attend a truly national sporting event. Dad's coworkers would be
taping the event on tv so Dad could rewatch it when he returned from the event.

[Anonymous]

Agree! This dad sounds completely disengaged. Pretty sad that he just wants the kid for the photo op.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

You do not know how important this is to the child. It might be a once in a lifetime event or it might just one among many.

The son is not missing something as important as a birth as his child . It’s a second wedding which in and of itself is a ridiculous event.

You don’t get it. A wedding is equally important. What if you were in that situation.

I do get it.

To a woman that is not your mother? No, that wedding is NOT equally important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of what happens with the schedule, this dad and fiancée are garbage people and the child will soon want nothing to do with either of them. Poor kid-my children are disappointed when their dad can’t make just one of their games or events. I can’t imagine being divorced and the dad preferring to spend time with his new girlfriend over attending their events...20 times!!! That is so sad. What a loser.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

There is no family without children. My husband and I married to procreate, and we both center the marriage around our children. No plans to divorce. Both spouses are completely honest that children come before spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of what happens with the schedule, this dad and fiancée are garbage people and the child will soon want nothing to do with either of them. Poor kid-my children are disappointed when their dad can’t make just one of their games or events. I can’t imagine being divorced and the dad preferring to spend time with his new girlfriend over attending their events...20 times!!! That is so sad. What a loser.

People subjecting their children to sports in pursuit of a scholarship do not have "events" or games that last an hour. They consume entire weekends. Some people enjoy that week in and week out. Many do not.

Since when does custody time revolve around what one enjoys and what one doesn't? Let's apply this logic elsewhere: some kids enjoy weddings. Many do not!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised that there is anyone on this thread (or in real life) who thinks the kid should give up nationals after undoubtedly putting a massive amount of time into his sport, for a dad who skips most of his visitation weekends and couldn't be bothered to schedule his wedding around his son. I would not do that to a kid in a million years. I'm not sure why people are focused on the potential harm to the relationship with the dad, as it sounds like there isn't much of a relationship there to lose. For the people who think OP is lying or trying to place a wedge between her kid and ex, don't you realize that you are just projecting your own issues onto this family? What's the point of commenting if you are just going to make up an alternative reality for this anonymous person? Just to share your bitter screeds more broadly, I guess? It's bizarre.

As others have noted, there is also clearly a divide on DCUM between those who understand/care about elite sports and those who don't. My kid started competing nationally and internationally at 13. If we had told him he couldn't attend one of those events for any reason short of injury, I can't even imagine what he would have done--probably left home and figured out how to declare himself an independent. His dedication and love for his sport has led to great things for him, including incredible friendships, joy for his engaged extended family of supporters, and a scholarship to a great college. If, as OP says, there is a potential full ride to a good private school on the line, that's a serious consideration as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

There is no family without children. My husband and I married to procreate, and we both center the marriage around our children. No plans to divorce. Both spouses are completely honest that children come before spouse.

This. And if you're doing it right, it's a joy and a bonding experience to care for your entire family (kids included). I'd say that a self-centered marriage is doomed to failure; but a family-centered marriage might make it. Unfortunately my marriage did not make it, but the one continuing area of positivity between me and my STBX is caring for our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

If the FATHER cared so much, he could have showed up for the past few years, and could have taken steps not to deliberately create this conflict for his child. What kind of ADULT does that to a child?

First of all, I don't consider OP to be a reliable narrator here. She lied in her first post that this was some sort of dilemma and that she couldn't decide when, in fact, she already knew what she wanted to do and was seeking validation. When that was not really forthcoming, she continued to contort herself by badmouthing both her ex and his fiancée, who she claims to not know. So, that's a polite way of saying OP is basically a lying liar who lies and has an axe to grind.

If, in fact, this child is playing sports at some actual elite level, like junior Olympics or whatever, that's one thing. But if he's like the thousands of kids in this area playing "club" or "travel" sports where obscene amounts of time are spent practicing during the week and tournaments/games every weekend year-round, I'm quite certain that has created a conflict with father's custody time. So at that point, he had a choice: Either forbid it, give up the time so kid can go play sportsball every weekend, or suck it up. You can argue he should have sucked it up and spent his weekends on the sidelines. But it's also valid for an adult to have a life of his own. So, maybe, just maybe, he yielded on the sport during these last two years in which OP seems obsessed with preparing her prodigy son (ha) for a POSSIBLE spot on a team that MIGHT go to a national championship MONTHS from now. But she doesn't get to monopolize kid's time with this sport and then whine that he was checked out.

Any Dad I know would be attending a truly national elite Olympic level, Goodwill Games level sport. Even if the Dad could not afford it the Dad's coworkers would be passing
around the hat at work so that Dad and fiance could attend. I virtually know no Dad that would not attend a truly national sporting event. Dad's coworkers would be
taping the event on tv so Dad could rewatch it when he returned from the event.

PP here. Yes, exactly. Which is me saying based on OP's description, that's not the level we're talking about here. It's more likely a "national championship" in whatever sanction the travel team or whatever participates in. The fact that it's in the Spring suggests baseball or lacrosse. But I seriously doubt this is any sort of truly elite team or sport at those levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

There is no family without children. My husband and I married to procreate, and we both center the marriage around our children. No plans to divorce. Both spouses are completely honest that children come before spouse.

You win the award for most offensive thing stated on the Internet today. You are also ridiculous and doing family wrong. P.S., no one PLANS for divorce. I'm going to guess yours are under 5. The model you describe is not sustainable. Report back in 10 years when you're sleeping in separate bedrooms and resentment has built up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

This is very true. There are posters in houses of worship that are pyramid shaped on the walls of classrooms. God first. Spouse second on the pyramid. Rest of family third. Too
many women (and I'm a woman) put there kids first and the marriage crumbles.

What kind of bizarre churches are these? I have never seen a poster like this.

+1 And I’m Catholic! Must be some fundie misogynist cult. Keep popping kids out every 12-18 months, but treat them second to the father? That’s cruel and gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

+1. OP absolutely sounds like this kind of harpie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

Ok so maybe he’s weak. Maybe he isn’t willing to argue with his ex wife anymore, who has made it clear she and DS are just fine without him, thanks. Not dad of the year but not a villain either.