I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry this is not working out (and I have not read the whole thing) but... we did surrogacy.
We went through 10 years of infertility and by the end we were certifiable. Like I was angry that DH's cousin sent us pics of her beautiful sons. So there's that. We have twins in college now. Along the way, we tried DE with my sister. She did not pass the psych. We were devastated at he time, but in retrospect it was very, very much for the best. We used an anon donor. Then we hired a gestational surrogate. We succeeded on the first try with twins. The surrogate was OK with that; she insisted no abortions, which was her right, and we were thrilled. But it was a long, expensive and emotionally exhausting journey. Our surrogate was a tough, young easy going and emotionally mature person. I was as hands off regarding her pregnancy as I could -- her body, her rights. The testing was nerve wracking. The pregnancy had a few problems of preterm labor. By the end our surrogate was hating life. the babies were born very healthy, then the surrogate had a small breakdown, which was resolved in a couple of weeks time. She was really perfect and did everything right. But it was still emotionally taxing for all. we never had the slightest disagreement. all of this was a long time ago, and there are many new tests available. We had 5 m/c along the way, and one of the twins has a genetic issue. So your SIL could be facing that after her history.
Your SIL sounds like she has suffered so much that she is an emotional wreck. Being a surrogate for her will be HELL. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who told MIL/FIL? That sounds messy. What could SIL possibly say on social media that would make anyone have sympathy for her??? She sounds like an ungrateful shrew.

SIL posted on my MILs FB that her favorite daughter in law was giving them another grandchild - "Isn't she wonderful?" For a few minutes MIL thought I was pregnant again event though her son has had a vasectomy.

Whaaaaaaaaaat??? Oh wow, SIL is definitely nuts and above all UNGRATEFUL. As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them". She doesn't deserve a child and I'm glad no child has to have her for a mother.

... that was Gavin de Beker's quote

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She set the terms. You can't promise to keep to them.

Asked and answered.

"SIL I reviewed your list of terms with DH and we can't love up to them. I understand your need for these things. Perhaps another surrogate would be a better fit. We can't live up to what you've outlined. So, it's better not to start a process when we know we can't meet the conditions. We love you enough to be truthful about our own limitations."

Gaah! If you can choke this out, you can successfully remove yourself from the situation and throw the blame back onto her. Who would or could possible expect what she's demanding? They have to live with you and watch for any signs of physical discomfort or joy? Huh?

Ever read The Handmaiden's Tale?

I hate the term "broken" when it relates to people, but the PP who said it was pretty on point. There's a something there that you can't fix and no baby could fill.

Offering a bit of financial assistance would be tremendously generous of you, but I don't think it will be met by gratitude by your SIL. She'll still view it as a calculated move to be a "savior" and provide the grandparents with another grandchild.

She is in great need of a mental health intervention. The raw ache and visceral frustrated of this tormented woman needs to be addressed no matter how the story ends.

Don't take it personally.

Your hands are tied on this one. You absolutely CANNOT be a surrogate for this couple. BIL will understand. The fallout will be tremendous. Know that you are not to blame in any way whatsoever.

I am someone who dealt with infertility. 5 years of infertility. It was frustrating watching everyone around me get pregnant and for me not be able to conceive. I had two friends step up and offer to be surrogates (I don't think one was a true offer - more of a symbolic one- she had two pregnancies and had problems carrying to term - incompetent cervix- but she wanted to do something to help). Not once did I ever accuse any of my friends (or family for that matter) of any wrongdoing because they got pregnant.

I haven't read all 19 pages, but have read enough on here to realize that some people are truly just mean. Please ignore the rudeness. Your gesture was a wonderful one. You took the time to research things and meet with doctors and lawyers before you made the offer. Your heart was in the right place.

Your sister-in-laws initial reaction was over the top. WAY over the top. Enough reason to reconsider with that alone. But let's press on. She provided her list of things she feels are important. That list (at least in my opinion) is completely unreasonable. Bottom line, you cannot comply with her list. Period. DO NOT GO INTO THIS (as your BIL wants) hoping it will get better. You are right to trust your instincts on this. It may get better, but there is a chance it could get worse. When it comes down to it, she provided her list of important areas and based on that, this is a dead issue (moving in and living with you? Really? And that wasn't even the craziest one!)

I think the above poster had some great advice- We reviewed your list and honestly, we can't live up to them. I understand your need for these things. Perhaps another surrogate would be a better fit. We can't live up to what you've outlined. So, it's better not to start a process when we know we can't meet the conditions. We love you enough to be truthful about our own limitations."

[Anonymous]

Don't be the surrogate. (Have your DH tell his brother.) Distance yourself (but be polite) for awhile, a long while. Your SIL needs to get herself to a normal place again (hopefully that is not her usual self??).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should have never, ever offered this without speaking to her privately about it first. God, I would hate you for that. You've now driven a wedge in her marriage by inserting yourself. I have a child, but to offer this without talking to her privately, instead in front of the brothers sounds like you needed to be the hero in front of the men.

Maybe she has bitchy psycho demands but you should have asked privately first.

I disagree. People offer to be surrogates all the time - it's not the kind of thing that the infertile just come out and ask, usually.
It's an offer that one couple makes to another couple. The husbands are integral to this choice.

[Anonymous]

OP if she defames you on FB, I wish you would post the unreasonable list of demands!

[Anonymous]

Parent by surrogacy here: We used Dominion. I do not think that the four of you will pass the psych testing. Many people think that an intended parent has to spend the rest of her life praising the surrogate. After the surrogacy you are a parent like everyone else with all the effort, overwhelming ness, trials and efforts of parent hood. Having to praise your surrogate endlessly is another burden to bear. Having to emotionally support the earth mother SIL would be too much for me, which is why we did surrogacy with an agency. Also in this situation I think perhaps OP might be a bit too much of an "expert" on babies and parenting and would drive the SIL crazy. It just is not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH were incredibly generous to offer to be a surrogate for your SIL and BIL. However, given the circumstances, I would take back your offer. If they want total control over a surrogate, they need to pay for one and deal with all the legal stuff separately. One day, your SIL might regret how she treated you, but given her personality, it sounds like she will continue blaming you for any problems she has. If she thinks you were insensitive to have 4 kids when she was infertile, if she doesn't want you to be called "Aunt --" which you are of course, and if she wants to keep the surrogacy a secret, she is too emotionally immature to be a parent. This may be crass, but I think the world is better if she does NOT raise kids.

I do not think the OP is so wonderful. She sounds insensitive and pushy. The SIL sounds desperate to get out of the family dynamic with fertile myrtle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my DH is reading through the thread now.

I would like to clear a couple of things up.

I am a SAHM and my life revolves around my children, they are my priority. Being pregnant wouldn't take away from that.

My SIL and I were very close before this, she was not an open enemy and she had never behaved hostile towards me or shown any jealousy.

I never ever ONCE wanted to do this to be a "hero" and its incredibly hurtful to read that. You can want to help a family member and not expect a thing in return, you can choose to be kind without expecting to be a hero.

The cousin's grandmother asked DH's brother for the name of their doctor, for cousin. That is when SIL went off on cousin.

The reason my husband no longer wants to do it is he is pissed someone could behave so rudely to someone offering them help and then he watched me cry off and on about it for a few days. I no longer want to do it because I agree with a lot of previous posters. Her true colors are showing and she will blame me for any little thing that goes wrong, real or perceived.

OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

[Anonymous]

Surrogacy is illegaI in most of Europe and should be illegal here.

[Anonymous]

I would not be their surrogate. You could still offer to help them by paying for adoption fees. There are so many children that need a loving home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my DH is reading through the thread now.

I would like to clear a couple of things up.

I am a SAHM and my life revolves around my children, they are my priority. Being pregnant wouldn't take away from that.

My SIL and I were very close before this, she was not an open enemy and she had never behaved hostile towards me or shown any jealousy.

I never ever ONCE wanted to do this to be a "hero" and its incredibly hurtful to read that. You can want to help a family member and not expect a thing in return, you can choose to be kind without expecting to be a hero.

The cousin's grandmother asked DH's brother for the name of their doctor, for cousin. That is when SIL went off on cousin.

The reason my husband no longer wants to do it is he is pissed someone could behave so rudely to someone offering them help and then he watched me cry off and on about it for a few days. I no longer want to do it because I agree with a lot of previous posters. Her true colors are showing and she will blame me for any little thing that goes wrong, real or perceived.

OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

Is op supposed to not have children Bc sil is having fertility issues? How is she throwing her pregnancies in her face? Some people are just luckier than others. Doesn't make them bad people. You think op is offering to deal with the hassles and pain of pregnancy as a way of one upping sil? You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my DH is reading through the thread now.

I would like to clear a couple of things up.

I am a SAHM and my life revolves around my children, they are my priority. Being pregnant wouldn't take away from that.

My SIL and I were very close before this, she was not an open enemy and she had never behaved hostile towards me or shown any jealousy.

I never ever ONCE wanted to do this to be a "hero" and its incredibly hurtful to read that. You can want to help a family member and not expect a thing in return, you can choose to be kind without expecting to be a hero.

The cousin's grandmother asked DH's brother for the name of their doctor, for cousin. That is when SIL went off on cousin.

The reason my husband no longer wants to do it is he is pissed someone could behave so rudely to someone offering them help and then he watched me cry off and on about it for a few days. I no longer want to do it because I agree with a lot of previous posters. Her true colors are showing and she will blame me for any little thing that goes wrong, real or perceived.

OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

Is op supposed to not have children Bc sil is having fertility issues? How is she throwing her pregnancies in her face? Some people are just luckier than others. Doesn't make them bad people. You think op is offering to deal with the hassles and pain of pregnancy as a way of one upping sil? You sound unhinged.

Exactly. What the hell. No one can live their life because this woman can't have children? OP you did nothing wrong. Don't listen to idiots that tell you otherwise. We all face problems in our lives. It's not letting those problems consume us that make us who we are. Your SIL is very selfish and immature. This is destroying her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

How is the OP having 4 children (and 4 pregnancies) throwing that in her SIL's face? The great offer was made in front of the BIL AND SIL - not everyone. How is that manipulating the situation? I am trying to understand your point, but the facts that were presented conflict with the story YOU are trying to spin. OP's has presented the situation very differently. YOU seem to be the one manipulating the story to fit YOUR agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP A little self examination might be helpful here. You have thrown your pregnancies and family in her face for years. Then you made a "great offer" in front of everyone -- another way of saying "my womb works perfectly, so there" If you do not see that I think you could see a therapist about your behavior. Now you are off the hook AND the object of everyone's sympathy. Nice job manipulating the situation.

How is the OP having 4 children (and 4 pregnancies) throwing that in her SIL's face? The great offer was made in front of the BIL AND SIL - not everyone. How is that manipulating the situation? I am trying to understand your point, but the facts that were presented conflict with the story YOU are trying to spin. OP's has presented the situation very differently. YOU seem to be the one manipulating the story to fit YOUR agenda.

I don't think the OP did anything malicious. But it is quite odd that she did not anticipate any sort of negative reaction, and seemed to have no clue as to how her SIL would receive the offer, and is continuing the drama by continuing to make this all about herself "I'm making a choice that could break my family apart." That makes me think that OP was more focused on how it would make HER feel to be the savior, than the actual situation at hand.