Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op
What is your country of origin and if the US, which state were you in most of your life before marriage?

Connecticut but we have lived in several states. We moved around a lot in the last 7 years. We have been married for 11 years and went to Bangladesh after 9 years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op also said "tea packets"

That is not how I have heard Americans say it. Americans say teabags.

OP is Bangladeshi herself or probably Indian since she talks about both countries.

Op here. No, I am white. It's probably just something I picked up since I am around South Asians a lot. I think his sister asked me a few days ago if I wanted tea packets. It's not an everyday word for me. In the US most of us use teabags tea packets and don't think much about it.. We usually just say tea

You still didn’t say why you didn’t just marry a white dude and saved you some hassle

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't do this honestly but I married my husband because I loved him. We met when I was 22. He was my second boyfriend.
We both lost our parents in our childhood and that connected us. I liked that Dh is so loyal to his family. He sent his mom money even when he didn't have any. Dh is also very cute. My family raised me to be open to marrying outside my race. Both of our families have been extremely accepting. My family loves my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op also said "tea packets"

That is not how I have heard Americans say it. Americans say teabags.

OP is Bangladeshi herself or probably Indian since she talks about both countries.

Op here. No, I am white. It's probably just something I picked up since I am around South Asians a lot. I think his sister asked me a few days ago if I wanted tea packets. It's not an everyday word for me. In the US most of us use teabags tea packets and don't think much about it.. We usually just say tea

You still didn’t say why you didn’t just marry a white dude and saved you some hassle

Dp
Every married person has had some hassles. Many of those hassles don't rise to the occasion of throwing the whole relationship out. What is this odd culture on dcum against complaining even if the complaints are as valid as they come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op also said "tea packets"

That is not how I have heard Americans say it. Americans say teabags.

OP is Bangladeshi herself or probably Indian since she talks about both countries.

Op here. No, I am white. It's probably just something I picked up since I am around South Asians a lot. I think his sister asked me a few days ago if I wanted tea packets. It's not an everyday word for me. In the US most of us use teabags tea packets and don't think much about it.. We usually just say tea

You still didn’t say why you didn’t just marry a white dude and saved you some hassle

Dp
Every married person has had some hassles. Many of those hassles don't rise to the occasion of throwing the whole relationship out. What is this odd culture on dcum against complaining even if the complaints are as valid as they come.

Op here. Yes, and we average a trip every 5 years. It's hard but not impossible to live like this. I'm sure the next visit things will get better. I'm very thin and get cold easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op also said "tea packets"

That is not how I have heard Americans say it. Americans say teabags.

OP is Bangladeshi herself or probably Indian since she talks about both countries.

Op here. No, I am white. It's probably just something I picked up since I am around South Asians a lot. I think his sister asked me a few days ago if I wanted tea packets. It's not an everyday word for me. In the US most of us use teabags tea packets and don't think much about it.. We usually just say tea

You still didn’t say why you didn’t just marry a white dude and saved you some hassle

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't do this honestly but I married my husband because I loved him. We met when I was 22. He was my second boyfriend.
We both lost our parents in our childhood and that connected us. I liked that Dh is so loyal to his family. He sent his mom money even when he didn't have any. Dh is also very cute. My family raised me to be open to marrying outside my race. Both of our families have been extremely accepting. My family loves my husband.

Op here. That should read we both lost a parent, not both of our parents. I have my dad and my husband has his mom.

[Anonymous]

who does your husband go to visit other than his sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:who does your husband go to visit other than his sister?

ok, his mom.

[Anonymous]

As a South Asian, I am sympathetic to *some* of what OP is describing. Many things are difficult very different. I myself would not be cooking in OPs situation. I would however be eating homemade food and enjoying not having to cook.
OP, you will not get sick from food cooked with unfiltered water such as roti or rice - heat kills pathogens in the water. If you have a gluten allergy, eat rice. Also your kids are half Bengali- they should learn to eat and maybe love the food. I understand young children are picky, and you haven’t cooked Bengali food for them in the US, but this is how you teach children - it is part of who they are. I would prioritize regularly going to south Asian restaurants when you return to the US so they (and you) gain familiarity with the cuisine. You have chosen your spouse - you don’t have to love it, but food is part of culture, and you should find food you like enough to be able to manage short term. My children love paranthas (which they eat plain), rice and fish or chicken curry.
Re the shower- your ILs sound very accommodating. I imagine water is in short supply, and you are likely using a lot. You may not be used to bucket baths, but it can be learned - it is not hard. I think you should keep future visits shorter and communicate more with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a South Asian, I am sympathetic to *some* of what OP is describing. Many things are difficult very different. I myself would not be cooking in OPs situation. I would however be eating homemade food and enjoying not having to cook.
OP, you will not get sick from food cooked with unfiltered water such as roti or rice - heat kills pathogens in the water. If you have a gluten allergy, eat rice. Also your kids are half Bengali- they should learn to eat and maybe love the food. I understand young children are picky, and you haven’t cooked Bengali food for them in the US, but this is how you teach children - it is part of who they are. I would prioritize regularly going to south Asian restaurants when you return to the US so they (and you) gain familiarity with the cuisine. You have chosen your spouse - you don’t have to love it, but food is part of culture, and you should find food you like enough to be able to manage short term. My children love paranthas (which they eat plain), rice and fish or chicken curry.
Re the shower- your ILs sound very accommodating. I imagine water is in short supply, and you are likely using a lot. You may not be used to bucket baths, but it can be learned - it is not hard. I think you should keep future visits shorter and communicate more with your husband.

Op isn't south asian. She doesn't enjoy south Asian food. Why are people so insistent on this? Her husband also doesn't eat it much. I like the restaurant idea but maybe her dh only eats halal meat or he likes Middle Eastern food. They probably eat biryani during holidays. I'm sure the OP's family isn't forcing him to eat American food. It's probably better his family doesn't live in the US. Most would be mad if she refused food. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but culturally that's a big no.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I couldn’t read the whole thread. OP are you feeling reasonably assured that you will go back home as scheduled?
It all makes me worried… you DH sounds like he wants to control you guys… honestly I would stage a call with parents and go back for to “emergency”… and never ever come back

I am from a “second world” country but I have no tolerance for this kind of thing… just, don’t come back. It’s a shame people live in these conditions and I want no part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for teaching me all about Bangladesh. I never want to visit now.

As if it wasn’t obvious from the beginning…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for teaching me all about Bangladesh. I never want to visit now.

As if it wasn’t obvious from the beginning…

Op here. Visiting as a tourist may be fun. You can stay in a nice hotel. It will be a cultural shock to navigate the traffic in Dhaka. Now that I know what I do about developing countries I'm not very interested in traveling to any. In the past, I have been to several European countries and Peru. I loved Peru and I absolutely loved the food there too. I stayed with an international friend I met in undergrad. My stomach has always been weak so I think that has a big impact on traveling. It's very unpleasant to get sick on vacations. I never got sick when I visited Europe. I think it's tricky when vacations have been different and you change to doing something traveling to Bangladesh. We haven't traveled much because we save for this trip. We save PTO and money. We mostly do small trips in the US. Maybe in some ways, I am resentful that we don't do typical family vacations like going to FL for a week.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

But it's not OP's home. One month is a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?