Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

We have hot water and showers in Central Asia. Also, I would never subject my American husband to what OP is describing and would consider leaving a spouse who expects me to live like that for 3 months. She should at least be able to feed her kids and go for a walk.

Anonymous wrote:India, Nepal, parts of Vietnam, Central Asia, Pakistan, Ethiopia - those are my likely guesses for lesser developed countries that are cold right now.

OP - how long have you been married? How come you haven’t learned enough of the language to manage a walk outside the gates of the family home?

I wouldn’t want to do this with kids but I’m a white woman from the Midwest and have lived for months at a time, successfully on my own, in places where I didn’t speak the language and didn’t have reliable running water or electricity (Uganda, Ethiopia and Cambodia).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

But it's not OP's home. One month is a lot of time.

That's right but she married an immigrant, he would want to go visit his home and take kids to bond with grandparents.

They just have to be able to empathize with each other and make it work for both. May be go one year, invite his parents next year or just he goes and skip year after then all go together the next year for two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Ability to get credit and loans helped artificially raise living standards in developed countries but increased mental stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ability to get credit and loans helped artificially raise living standards in developed countries but increased mental stress.

Op here. I see this! Here there isn't too much credit debt. My husband also hates credit card debt and even mortgage debt. We have a 7-year plan to pay off our mortgage. We buy our cars in cash. They are used but better than taking a loan. Both of us were fortunate to get merit scholarships so no school loan debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for teaching me all about Bangladesh. I never want to visit now.

As if it wasn’t obvious from the beginning…

Op here. Visiting as a tourist may be fun. You can stay in a nice hotel. It will be a cultural shock to navigate the traffic in Dhaka. Now that I know what I do about developing countries I'm not very interested in traveling to any. In the past, I have been to several European countries and Peru. I loved Peru and I absolutely loved the food there too. I stayed with an international friend I met in undergrad. My stomach has always been weak so I think that has a big impact on traveling. It's very unpleasant to get sick on vacations. I never got sick when I visited Europe. I think it's tricky when vacations have been different and you change to doing something traveling to Bangladesh. We haven't traveled much because we save for this trip. We save PTO and money. We mostly do small trips in the US. Maybe in some ways, I am resentful that we don't do typical family vacations like going to FL for a week.

Pp here. No thanks. I'll travel in Europe if I need to .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

But it's not OP's home. One month is a lot of time.

That's right but she married an immigrant, he would want to go visit his home and take kids to bond with grandparents.

They just have to be able to empathize with each other and make it work for both. May be go one year, invite his parents next year or just he goes and skip year after then all go together the next year for two weeks.

+1


And I would also go for 2 weeks instead of a month.
And do a one week vacation that the kids would enjoy like florida or just somewhere for a week and leave the other week for long weekends or the same .
Or do 3 weeks there and one week for a vacation elsewhere .

[Anonymous]

Why would you marry someone from a totally different background? Marriage is about compatibility, background is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for teaching me all about Bangladesh. I never want to visit now.

As if it wasn’t obvious from the beginning…

Op here. Visiting as a tourist may be fun. You can stay in a nice hotel. It will be a cultural shock to navigate the traffic in Dhaka. Now that I know what I do about developing countries I'm not very interested in traveling to any. In the past, I have been to several European countries and Peru. I loved Peru and I absolutely loved the food there too. I stayed with an international friend I met in undergrad. My stomach has always been weak so I think that has a big impact on traveling. It's very unpleasant to get sick on vacations. I never got sick when I visited Europe. I think it's tricky when vacations have been different and you change to doing something traveling to Bangladesh. We haven't traveled much because we save for this trip. We save PTO and money. We mostly do small trips in the US. Maybe in some ways, I am resentful that we don't do typical family vacations like going to FL for a week.

So start doing some of that. If your husband can plonk himself in his family home for a month then you should get to decide the next vacation.

[Anonymous]

I read several pages of this thread, about 10 of them, and I just gave up. I cannot believe the number of posters who are dismissing the original poster. I read all her posts up to where I stopped and she has some very valid complaints. She's venting online. However, since her in-laws seem to like her, I am certain she's putting on a good face for them. I suppose I'm defending her because I can see myself doing the same. A month long vacation in the circumstances the OP describes would be difficult. Kudos for her for doing it. All you guys saying that she has to enjoy it, get over yourselves.

[Anonymous]

OP - this sounds miserable. I'm sorry. Is your husband open to compromising on this yearly (?) trip that you have to save for and suffer through? Can he go for a few weeks and you join him at the end? Can you do it every other year? Marriage requires compromise from both both parties.

[Anonymous]

OP: did you convert to Islam when you got married?

[Anonymous]

I feel so terrible for the child with asthma who is suffering through all this. They will remember it as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read several pages of this thread, about 10 of them, and I just gave up. I cannot believe the number of posters who are dismissing the original poster. I read all her posts up to where I stopped and she has some very valid complaints. She's venting online. However, since her in-laws seem to like her, I am certain she's putting on a good face for them. I suppose I'm defending her because I can see myself doing the same. A month long vacation in the circumstances the OP describes would be difficult. Kudos for her for doing it. All you guys saying that she has to enjoy it, get over yourselves.

I just waded through the whole thread. Yes, there is a lot of WTF to pick apart here, but one thing that stood out to me is that OP genuinely seems to like her DH's family and does note positive things when they happen (her kids are having fun, she's going dress shopping with SIL). I think she's trying hard to be game and go along with it, and mostly venting here. Fair enough, and hang in there OP (and thanks for all the interesting photos!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read several pages of this thread, about 10 of them, and I just gave up. I cannot believe the number of posters who are dismissing the original poster. I read all her posts up to where I stopped and she has some very valid complaints. She's venting online. However, since her in-laws seem to like her, I am certain she's putting on a good face for them. I suppose I'm defending her because I can see myself doing the same. A month long vacation in the circumstances the OP describes would be difficult. Kudos to her for doing it. All you guys saying that she has to enjoy it, get over yourselves.

I just waded through the whole thread. Yes, there is a lot of WTF to pick apart here, but one thing that stood out to me is that OP genuinely seems to like her DH's family and does note positive things when they happen (her kids are having fun, she's going dress shopping with SIL). I think she's trying hard to be game and go along with it, and mostly venting here. Fair enough, and hang in there OP (and thanks for all the interesting photos!)

Op here. I do love his family. His mom doesn't speak English. Most of the time I have no idea what anyone is talking about but dh seems to prefer that. He says if I learn too much Bengali I will go crazy. Tonight we went to a store called Aarong and I had so much fun. I bought clothing for both of my kids (20 items at least for them), two handbags, and other home stuff and I spent around $133 for everything. Can't wait to go back again to get gifts for my family and friends. I love the bedding here as well. For a fancy traditional outfit for the kids, it was around $9-12. Dh didn't come with us and it was much more relaxing. I think that they are laughing a me right now because I spent so much money. Dh is always poking fun at me because I like to buy clothes.