Staying fit for spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I’m in a similar position to you. Honestly with two young kids I don’t put any effort into my weight at the moment. Dh and I both work full time and I carry a lot of the mental load and logistics for our children and day to day. Would he think I was hotter if still weighed 125 lbs? Yes. But he still compliments me frequently and desires me. We’re both doing our best and I think he sees that. By the way, he’s also losing his hair and that doesn’t matter to me. It’s part of aging.

But this is not a valid analogy. Hair loss is 100% age related and 0% within his ability to control. Gaining weight is 0% age related and 100% within your ability to control.

NP, not the PP you're responding to. Re:the bold -- that's just wrong. Do you really not understand that weight gain is not "100 percent within" everyone's "ability to control"? Would you have me leave my DH because he's gained weight due to a medical condition that is out of his control? (Yes, he's getting medical treatment for it but is not likely to drop all the weight he's gained.) Would I like it if he were back to his old weight? Sure. But I married a complete person, not just a body, and not just a number on the scale, and I'll take the person over perfection any day.

I swear, the shallowness, focus on appearances, and willful misunderstanding of basic physiology on this site are astounding sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

It's the truth for most people.

I was 138 pounds when I married my DH. I am 180 now. You wouldn't even recognize me. My face is completely different. It's bloated and some kind of shape . I can see the surprise on people's faces when they look at our wedding pictures on the wall. They can't believe I used to be thst attractive.

Weight drastically changes one's looks.

Again. Don’t speak for everyone. I know many people that have gained weight 50th lbs and still look amazing,

Age drastically changes one looks no matter your weight. Skin does tell.

See most in first sentence?

Don’t speak for most people. You experience is not what most experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I’m in a similar position to you. Honestly with two young kids I don’t put any effort into my weight at the moment. Dh and I both work full time and I carry a lot of the mental load and logistics for our children and day to day. Would he think I was hotter if still weighed 125 lbs? Yes. But he still compliments me frequently and desires me. We’re both doing our best and I think he sees that. By the way, he’s also losing his hair and that doesn’t matter to me. It’s part of aging.

But this is not a valid analogy. Hair loss is 100% age related and 0% within his ability to control. Gaining weight is 0% age related and 100% within your ability to control.

NP, not the PP you're responding to. Re:the bold -- that's just wrong. Do you really not understand that weight gain is not "100 percent within" everyone's "ability to control"? Would you have me leave my DH because he's gained weight due to a medical condition that is out of his control? (Yes, he's getting medical treatment for it but is not likely to drop all the weight he's gained.) Would I like it if he were back to his old weight? Sure. But I married a complete person, not just a body, and not just a number on the scale, and I'll take the person over perfection any day.

I swear, the shallowness, focus on appearances, and willful misunderstanding of basic physiology on this site are astounding sometimes.

Agreed. And I say this as someone who is conventionally attractive so maybe that’s rich coming from me but I find people attractive at many sizes. Variety is the spice of life. I think if DH had a six pack he’d be too self-obsessed because the amount of work he’d have to put into it just with his body type would be insane and diva-adjacent. Do I like looking at 6 packs? Sure, but it’s not really in my fantasy repertoire to shtup one. 😝

[Anonymous]

Guy here. I don’t think it’s realistic for someone to stay fit just for their spouse. If that’s the only reason you’re doing it then your resolve will definitely weaken over time - especially during the young children years when resentment is also at its highest.

My wife and I both stay fit for a mixed bag of reasons. For me, it’s a mix of vanity, health, feeling good and of course, wanting to look good for her to keep our sex life strong.

For her, she was a high school and college track athlete and has always stayed fit. She likes to feel strong, empowered, healthy and confident. She’s always been a head-turner so I don’t know that it’s even a novelty for her anymore, but she’s really sexy for her age.

We’ve been married 20 years. I was married before to my first gf and college sweetheart. She started really skinny and put on 50-60 lbs over the course of our relationship. We never had kids, it was mostly from unhealthy lifestyle. I have to admit, I wasn’t attracted to the heavier version of her but was always supportive, never negative and tried to get her to join me periodically in healthy activities. So, I’ve experienced both lifestyles and definitely prefer having a fit spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Are the kids a negative on the dating market?
What if they are YOUR kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

I’m guessing that you are a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

I’m guessing that you are a man.

🤔

Why? Because I think an MD is NOT a negative for a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

I’m guessing that you are a man.

🤔

Why? Because I think an MD is NOT a negative for a woman?

Because you have never told a prospective date that you have one and watched them turn and walk away, or you don’t seem to believe this could happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

NP. It definitely depends on the guy. I know a lot of guys view highly educated women or career oriented women as being a pain in the ass. They are so wrapped up in what they are doing at work or talking about dumb museums or college bs from a long time ago that it's just annoying. They usually aren't fun to be around and tend to be high maintenance.

As far as staying fit for your spouse...guys will just bang someone else if you look fat and gross. Take a little pride in your appearance.

[Anonymous]

I stay fit for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

NP. I grew up in DC but live elsewhere, and an MD is definitely a negative here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piping up here to say that I’m all for body sovereignty and “getting fit” if that’s what a person chooses but f society for acting like more weight automatically devalues people. I haven’t read every comment but I’ve seen enough and holy hell. Why is everyone so afraid of a few extra pounds? It’s such an obsession that maybe we should ask ourselves why this generates an unreadably long thread instead of assuming that if we aren’t striving to be smaller, we should be so that other people will treat us better and love us more.

It may be harsh, but gaining an extra 40% of your body weight devalues a woman (and men) in the sexual marketplace. Does it devalue personality or other internal characteristics? No. But if my wife had been 45 lbs heavier when I first met her, we could have been friends but I would not have been romantically interested. I think this is true for most people. Part of being a good partner is not letting yourself go. A woman who looked good at 135 and now weights 175 has definitely let herself go, and her spouse is totally justified in resenting that.

So what? There are a lot of things that have decreased my value on the sexual marketplace since I met my DH. I had four children, got my MD, and got 15 years older. Two of these three were totally within my control. Is my husband totally justified in resenting me for doing these things?

NP
Aging can't be helped, the MD is irrelevant or positive but never a negative. That 40% though... that's a real negative. Not insurmountable, but we're going to have to put some work in.

Kids, advanced degrees, and being older are all negatives for a woman on the dating market. Sorry to burst your bubble.

What bubble do you live in where an MD is a negative for a woman?

Where are you people from?

NP. I grew up in DC but live elsewhere, and an MD is definitely a negative here.

If you stay within your own circles, MD isn’t a negative. Almost all my female doctor friends are married to other doctors. It may be more difficult to marry outside your circle or to wealthy men who expect their wives to cater to the man’s career needs. Most men I know prefer a wife who can make a good salary and help balance the financial pressure in the family. These are men making $150-300K/year.