Staying fit for spouse

[Anonymous]

How much effort do you put into staying fit for your spouse if you know they will not leave? I’ve had 3 children, and I’ve gained weight after each pregnancy. DH has commented that I’m heavier than when we met. And he’s correct, I am heavier. At 5’6”, I was 130 when we married, and I’m 180 now. My happy weight is 160, but I think 140 is where he’s most attracted to me. I work out regularly, but really struggle with eating in a calorie deficit. Im just miserable when I’m eating less than 2000 calories a day.

I know DH will not leave over my weight. We have children and a life built together. Financially we’d both struggle if we separated. We still have regular sex (2-3x a week). My weights doesn’t keep me from doing all the stuff we like to do. It’s just an appearance issue. I just don’t have any motivation to put in all the work to get back to 140 when I’d only be doing it for DH.

It appears like many overweight men feel the same. They know their wives won’t leave, so they remain overweight. Does anyone stay fit exclusively for their spouse if they know it’s not a deal breaker for the marriage?

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty crappy for a guy to make comments about his wife’s weight when she carried his children. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

I stay fit for myself. I want to be healthy, and have energy, and model healthy eating and exercise for my daughter. That's not tied to a specific weight, although weight gain can be an indicator that something amiss.

[Anonymous]

My relationship with my weight and fitness has nothing to do with the risk of losing my husband.

[Anonymous]

Eat healthy and exercise for yourself. Don't get caught up in calorie deficits or agonizing over the scale. Starvation, diets that rely on strict denial of foods, and maniacal exercise goals are going to cause more dysfunction and misery than a few extra pounds. So, I mean don't be a lump on the couch binging ice cream for months at a time. But if you're weighing your carrots on a food scale before you go run 20 miles, that's not right either.

On the relationship side, my guess is that focusing on being good at sex will be a lot easier and more rewarding to both of you than whatever it is you need to do to maintain a certain weight. I don't know your husband, but my strong suspicion is that if you're a hellcat in bed, 180# or whatever it happens to be will be A-OK with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eat healthy and exercise for yourself. Don't get caught up in calorie deficits or agonizing over the scale. Starvation, diets that rely on strict denial of foods, and maniacal exercise goals are going to cause more dysfunction and misery than a few extra pounds. So, I mean don't be a lump on the couch binging ice cream for months at a time. But if you're weighing your carrots on a food scale before you go run 20 miles, that's not right either.

On the relationship side, my guess is that focusing on being good at sex will be a lot easier and more rewarding to both of you than whatever it is you need to do to maintain a certain weight. I don't know your husband, but my strong suspicion is that if you're a hellcat in bed, 180# or whatever it happens to be will be A-OK with your husband.

Hellcat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty crappy for a guy to make comments about his wife’s weight when she carried his children. Just saying.

It's pretty crappy to incresae your weight by 40% or to completely dismiss what your partner likes and wants. Think of something you want in a partner, then imagine your partner condemned you for wanting it, now see how you feel. I applaud OP for at least taking this seriously.

Here's an idea: stop working out and just focus on cutting calories, since working out doesn't help with weight loss but actually makes it more challenging because it increases your appetite. After you lose some weight, you can gradually introduce the exercise in a controlled way so you can calibrate how to change your calories.

You also don't necessarily haven't count calories; you need to change habits to enable you to eat less. There are so many techniques that help many people without having to count calories or macros and without having to eat gross food. Do not eat while watching tv. Do not eat directly from a container (like, no crackers straight from the box); only take the portion you want. No snacking after dinner. Minimize food with added sugar. Cut out the second helping of dinner.

[Anonymous]

^ *haven't count calories = have to count calories

[Anonymous]

I stay active and fit for myself. I just don't feel good - mentally or physically - when I let myself go.

Yes, it is extremely hard. And it takes a ton of time and energy. But it is so, SO worth it.

The fact that my DH gets a hot wife is just a side benefit. The fact that my commitment motivates him to keep himself up as well is a wonderful side benefit - modeling good habits for our kids, doing what we can to maintain health as we age... it's all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eat healthy and exercise for yourself. Don't get caught up in calorie deficits or agonizing over the scale. Starvation, diets that rely on strict denial of foods, and maniacal exercise goals are going to cause more dysfunction and misery than a few extra pounds. So, I mean don't be a lump on the couch binging ice cream for months at a time. But if you're weighing your carrots on a food scale before you go run 20 miles, that's not right either.

On the relationship side, my guess is that focusing on being good at sex will be a lot easier and more rewarding to both of you than whatever it is you need to do to maintain a certain weight. I don't know your husband, but my strong suspicion is that if you're a hellcat in bed, 180# or whatever it happens to be will be A-OK with your husband.

Hellcat?

What's the issue with that? Substitute with "fun in bed" if that word is problematic.

[Anonymous]

1) talk to your doctor to find out why you are miserable eating less than 2000 calories, or maybe a nutritionist. I think you are probably eating too many high calorie low satisfying foods or stuff that messes with your blood sugar.

2) Talk to your H or a therapist about your insecurities. Nobody is perfect and trying to attain perfection will kill you, or your soul. You are a good friend, good wife, good parent, … list all the things you do right and if on the do wrong side you are “overweight” then I’d find out why that bothers you so much. You need to learn to give yourself grace.

Would your H actually say, yes your weight bothers you or is that in your head?

[Anonymous]

I'm a man and the issue for me isn't weight. It's whether your partner is "bringing it" day-in and day-out to be 100% the best version of themselves that their genetics will let them be. But I feel that way about career too. I want my partner to push me to be the best version of myself. When they slack, it makes it harder -- under the arrangements of monogamy -- to push myself the same way I would when I have an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eat healthy and exercise for yourself. Don't get caught up in calorie deficits or agonizing over the scale. Starvation, diets that rely on strict denial of foods, and maniacal exercise goals are going to cause more dysfunction and misery than a few extra pounds. So, I mean don't be a lump on the couch binging ice cream for months at a time. But if you're weighing your carrots on a food scale before you go run 20 miles, that's not right either.

On the relationship side, my guess is that focusing on being good at sex will be a lot easier and more rewarding to both of you than whatever it is you need to do to maintain a certain weight. I don't know your husband, but my strong suspicion is that if you're a hellcat in bed, 180# or whatever it happens to be will be A-OK with your husband.

Hellcat?

What's the issue with that? Substitute with "fun in bed" if that word is problematic.

If you have to ask

[Anonymous]

I workout and stay fit for myself. I’m sure my husband appreciates it, but I don’t do it for him. I care about how I feel and look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty crappy for a guy to make comments about his wife’s weight when she carried his children. Just saying.

It's pretty crappy to incresae your weight by 40% or to completely dismiss what your partner likes and wants. Think of something you want in a partner, then imagine your partner condemned you for wanting it, now see how you feel. I applaud OP for at least taking this seriously.

Here's an idea: stop working out and just focus on cutting calories, since working out doesn't help with weight loss but actually makes it more challenging because it increases your appetite. After you lose some weight, you can gradually introduce the exercise in a controlled way so you can calibrate how to change your calories.

You also don't necessarily haven't count calories; you need to change habits to enable you to eat less. There are so many techniques that help many people without having to count calories or macros and without having to eat gross food. Do not eat while watching tv. Do not eat directly from a container (like, no crackers straight from the box); only take the portion you want. No snacking after dinner. Minimize food with added sugar. Cut out the second helping of dinner.

That's a bad idea. It's important to stay physically active at every weight, and if you have a workout habit in terms of day/time that works for you, I wouldn't risk breaking that habit.

Some of your other suggestions are reasonable: I don't count calories or weigh my food, but I also don't eat after dinner, I don't eat while reading or watching TV (which leads to mindless eating), and I eat dinner off a salad plate (which makes your plate look full while keeping portion sizes reasonable). Eat more fruits, vegetables, legumes, and fiber-rich foods. Swap white rice and pasta for whole grain. All those are good things. But trying to lose weight solely for someone else, or out of fear that someone will reject you if you weigh too much, seems like an unhealthy motivation. If you need to lose weight, why not do it for your spouse because you want to have a long and active life together?