Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t run and tell Mommy. This is between you and your husband. Work it out.

Disagree. OP is going through a horrible situation and she needs all the support she can get.

Having been the victim of infidelity, I very much disagree with silencing the victim. His infidelity is not her secret to keep. She can and should turn to anyone she thinks will be supportive for her. There is a real danger in hiding the affair from others - your relationships become inauthentic. It is a terrible way to live and in retrospect, I should have been clear with his entire family why we divorced.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Your marriage sounds lovely. Try to remember that cheating is not about the relationship exactly. It is about the individual and how they learned to cope and compartmentalize and also that they need to grow up often. There is an immaturity to the suspension of belief. It also sounds like your husband might have wanted to be caught. Mine had some of that also. It then is a form of acting out. He needs therapy. Lots of it. And couples. Discuss with your therapist. There is also a lot of great resources out there for what is involved in recovery. Gottman’s for oneZ the therapist has to be trained though. They cannot just be anyone. He needs to think whether he will do anything and really really look at himself. This could be a huge growth opportunity for him. Unfortunately it comes at the expense of your trauma. That is how it has been for me. But I did become much better at boundaries and high standards . I would be careful not to listen to the divorce now crowd until you see whether he is capable of growth and if yoj want to be there for that. For me cheating was after 25 years of non cheating. I am glad I kept the family together and allowed him to grow without facing the ultimate loss Of me. But it is hard work. We have plenty of fun and joy also but hard work. Then again LTRs are hard. Full stop

[Anonymous]

This is absolutely harrowing, OP. Pay no attention to the cheating apologists on this board -- there's some weird head-in-the-sand energy on this forum about cheating. For me it is an absolute line in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot process. Our day to day was so happy. Family dance parties in the living room, playing cards after the kids go to bed, regular date nights, waking up early to have coffee in the sunroom together before the kids get up, sneaking out for lunches together during the work day, enjoying home projects and gardening and cooking together. More than a fair division of household and childcare labor. Never argued, never fought, listened to each others opinions. Collaborated on kid issues. Encouraged each others hobbies and friendships. Picked up quite a few shared hobbies.

My brain cannot compute.

I don’t think this is about you or your relationship but about him, and either his own self esteem issues or a craving for excitement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t run and tell Mommy. This is between you and your husband. Work it out.

Disagree. OP is going through a horrible situation and she needs all the support she can get.

Having been the victim of infidelity, I very much disagree with silencing the victim. His infidelity is not her secret to keep. She can and should turn to anyone she thinks will be supportive for her. There is a real danger in hiding the affair from others - your relationships become inauthentic. It is a terrible way to live and in retrospect, I should have been clear with his entire family why we divorced.

I’m not a victim of infidelity (that I know of), but I wholeheartedly agree. This is not her secret to keep. The exceptions IMO: any children (not their burden) and OP’s in laws. At the end of the day, his parents will side with him. Further enmeshment by turning to FIL is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot process. Our day to day was so happy. Family dance parties in the living room, playing cards after the kids go to bed, regular date nights, waking up early to have coffee in the sunroom together before the kids get up, sneaking out for lunches together during the work day, enjoying home projects and gardening and cooking together. More than a fair division of household and childcare labor. Never argued, never fought, listened to each others opinions. Collaborated on kid issues. Encouraged each others hobbies and friendships. Picked up quite a few shared hobbies.

My brain cannot compute.

You don't mention anything sexual or exciting. You sound like good friends, not lovers.

[Anonymous]

Let it go, OP. And your DH needs to learn more about phone security. Messages never pop up on my screen where they can be read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Your marriage sounds lovely. Try to remember that cheating is not about the relationship exactly. It is about the individual and how they learned to cope and compartmentalize and also that they need to grow up often. There is an immaturity to the suspension of belief. It also sounds like your husband might have wanted to be caught. Mine had some of that also. It then is a form of acting out. He needs therapy. Lots of it. And couples. Discuss with your therapist. There is also a lot of great resources out there for what is involved in recovery. Gottman’s for oneZ the therapist has to be trained though. They cannot just be anyone. He needs to think whether he will do anything and really really look at himself. This could be a huge growth opportunity for him. Unfortunately it comes at the expense of your trauma. That is how it has been for me. But I did become much better at boundaries and high standards . I would be careful not to listen to the divorce now crowd until you see whether he is capable of growth and if yoj want to be there for that. For me cheating was after 25 years of non cheating. I am glad I kept the family together and allowed him to grow without facing the ultimate loss Of me. But it is hard work. We have plenty of fun and joy also but hard work. Then again LTRs are hard. Full stop

LOL wtf he was keeping secret a three-year affair, that is not a lovely marriage. How an individual learns to cope with their issues is very much a part of the marriage, not just the individual. Our actions impact others, no matter the cause.

I agree with the rest of your comment but a marriage that revolves around lies is not a lovely marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot process. Our day to day was so happy. Family dance parties in the living room, playing cards after the kids go to bed, regular date nights, waking up early to have coffee in the sunroom together before the kids get up, sneaking out for lunches together during the work day, enjoying home projects and gardening and cooking together. More than a fair division of household and childcare labor. Never argued, never fought, listened to each others opinions. Collaborated on kid issues. Encouraged each others hobbies and friendships. Picked up quite a few shared hobbies.

My brain cannot compute.

You don't mention anything sexual or exciting. You sound like good friends, not lovers.

We have regular sex (1-2x a week) it is mostly at predictable times when the kids go to bed but we are both working full time with two little kids. I thought that was pretty average or possibly even "good".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot process. Our day to day was so happy. Family dance parties in the living room, playing cards after the kids go to bed, regular date nights, waking up early to have coffee in the sunroom together before the kids get up, sneaking out for lunches together during the work day, enjoying home projects and gardening and cooking together. More than a fair division of household and childcare labor. Never argued, never fought, listened to each others opinions. Collaborated on kid issues. Encouraged each others hobbies and friendships. Picked up quite a few shared hobbies.

My brain cannot compute.

OP. I know. I had a similar marriage and family life. We had a very active sex life too. We are great friends and also had the same hobbies, worked out together, etc. It is why it is even harder to compute. It makes zero sense when there was no reason for it to happen or any indication that something was going on. It is truly mind blowing. Mine also had a 3-year affair. I never saw messages thankfully. He claims it was an escape. Therapists and my spouse kept telling me it had absolutely nothing to do with me or our marriage. Like other pps have said, with men like this, it’s their issues. They compartmentalize. In our case, we had been married 18 years our kids were 11 and 7 when it started, also not someone from work/every day life.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I know the pain and your post brought me back to those initial days of total shock. Don’t make any rash decisions. I did kick mine out for 2 weeks. He slept in basement on weekends. We told the kids he was on a work trip. I needed the time to be alone and I couldn’t look at him. I know my anger would be too much abs I didn’t want to risk the kids hearing anything. I refused couples counseling. I really felt he needed individual therapy for that to be productive if I chose to stay. Here’s the thing, you don’t have to agree to forgive or agree to reconcile and you can always at any time change your mind. Take it one day at a time. You always have options. See how what he does and how he acts from here. That will tell you a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. With parents there too, awful.
Run search on phone before he deletes things to make sure you got whole story. As prior poster said, tears are more he got caught and less he hurt you or he wouldn’t have kept it up.

I did. I spent 3hrs on his phone before I woke him up. I screenshotted everything and sent it to myself in multiple locations.

I need someone to talk to. I'm highly considering calling my FIL. I don't want to tell my mom because we are all stuck here. I don't want to tell my friends until i have a game plan. My FIL and I are very close and he's a kind, rational father figure. Is this a horrible idea?

Yes, it’s a horrible idea. You need a professional, not someone who is part of the family

[Anonymous]

You’re presumably in a country with attractive men, yes?

Go out and have sex with one of those French or Italian hotties. Hell, just tell your H you are and stay in a different hotel for an evening so he thinks you are. Fair’s fair.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.