Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explains the blubbering tears from him. He knows how many will be hurt should this get out. He wants you to help protect his image here.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

Stop making excuses. He’s a full grown adult in control of his pants and his phone. He could have walked away. I hate the excuse making. We can all come up with excuses. Someone else can say I was damaged because I had distant parents and I need constant attention and affirmation. At the end of the day, we are all grown ups. Keep it in your pants or pay the consequences.
Horribly, I completely agree. He was never an adult on his own, hooking up, dating whomever, going wherever. Also, talk about a crap-ton of expectations and pressure. I feel smothered just reading the description of how enmeshed the families are.

I’m not saying you should forgive him, OP. Just that I think it’s very hard to sustain, over the long-term, relationships that began at such a young age and which have SO much extended family involvement without any breaks or issues.

I think you’re responding to me, quotation errors aside.

I’m not at all making excuses for him; I didn’t say what he did was okay. It’s not okay.

It’s also understandable. Something can be both understandable and unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m just curious- how did you discover the length and all of the details about this affair?! Obviously, he wasn’t even attempting to delete evidence, right? That is almost as bizarre as the act itself.
So sorry for everything. It truly sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

One step in front of the other, OP. Just keep moving forward. You don’t have to tell anyone anything, you don’t have to make any decisions right now. Give yourself time to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m just curious- how did you discover the length and all of the details about this affair?! Obviously, he wasn’t even attempting to delete evidence, right? That is almost as bizarre as the act itself.
So sorry for everything. It truly sucks.

I woke him up after reading (and sending myself) a good chunk of their messages. He immediately just broke down and spilled his guts. So far from what I can put together through their messages, his airline account, credit card statements, amazon, etc every question of mine he's answered has lined up.

Nothing was hidden. He's never even had a password on his phone. I've never looked through it because I've never had a reason to. I've used it to put on music, call someone if money dead, GPS I the car etc. Idk.

We go over our finances every month together and have a very detailed spreadsheet of every dollar in and out. I truly don't know.

[Anonymous]

I just cannot process. Our day to day was so happy. Family dance parties in the living room, playing cards after the kids go to bed, regular date nights, waking up early to have coffee in the sunroom together before the kids get up, sneaking out for lunches together during the work day, enjoying home projects and gardening and cooking together. More than a fair division of household and childcare labor. Never argued, never fought, listened to each others opinions. Collaborated on kid issues. Encouraged each others hobbies and friendships. Picked up quite a few shared hobbies.

My brain cannot compute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m just curious- how did you discover the length and all of the details about this affair?! Obviously, he wasn’t even attempting to delete evidence, right? That is almost as bizarre as the act itself.
So sorry for everything. It truly sucks.

I woke him up after reading (and sending myself) a good chunk of their messages. He immediately just broke down and spilled his guts. So far from what I can put together through their messages, his airline account, credit card statements, amazon, etc every question of mine he's answered has lined up.

Nothing was hidden. He's never even had a password on his phone. I've never looked through it because I've never had a reason to. I've used it to put on music, call someone if money dead, GPS I the car etc. Idk.

We go over our finances every month together and have a very detailed spreadsheet of every dollar in and out. I truly don't know.

Honestly, it sounds like he always wanted to get caught. And this may be worth exploring.

As the child of parents who got together very young as well, my anecdotal experience is that (at least sometimes) or or both spouses get “stuck.” They have never lived on their own, had to figure stuff out on their own, etc. There can be a lot of wishful thinking about what might have been. My parents into old age had patterns that literally made them sound like they were 13 years old since that is when they met — even though they were super smart, educated and successful. It was actually sort of life changing for me when I figured this out in my 20s and helped me not repeat some of their nonsense.

My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

You are in an incredibly difficult situation. The reality is that it will be very tough to make your “own” choice that only reflects what you want for you and your kids — because you are also incredibly enmeshed within this large group of two intertwined families. An individual therapist could be very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t run and tell Mommy. This is between you and your husband. Work it out.

Disagree. OP is going through a horrible situation and she needs all the support she can get.

[Anonymous]

You're allowed to both consult a lawyer to gather info, and also take all the time you need to decide if you want to work on it, or separate. He unfortunately tainted what sounds like an awesome marriage. It's hard to fathom. You'll get through it either way. I had a really hard time letting go. It took me 7 months from the time I consulted a lawyer to when I filed for divorce. Give yourself time to figure it out. You're not trapped. You can decide to work things out, and two years later decide you need to divorce. He made his choices. Now you take all the time you need to make your choices.

If you want help dropping him off at that b...... doorstep in Canada, I'm your gal.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I do have a great therapist I've been seeing off and on since I was 17. She's been with me since before DH and I met and will probably be equally shocked. I emailed her this morning for an appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

That's ridiculous. No one has to wait until 40 to get married. There are plenty of successful marriages where people married young. Frankly it's better because there is less baggage. It sounds like his friend group is kind of trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I do have a great therapist I've been seeing off and on since I was 17. She's been with me since before DH and I met and will probably be equally shocked. I emailed her this morning for an appointment.

That's a great first step. I think it's OK to keep things close to the vest regarding whether or not you will stay in your marriage too.

[Anonymous]

Also thank you so, so much for all the replies. None of my friends have gone through infidelity or divorce (yet? That I know of?) so I especially appreciate people that have btdt sharing their experiences and resources.

[Anonymous]

OP, your life is real, your DH loves you. He also harbored a horrible secret and was likely trying to cope with something through a very destructive method. It’s not either or. It’s both, he loves you and the family AND he betrayed you horribly. Only you two can work a way forward without the lies (with or without a divorce).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

That's ridiculous. No one has to wait until 40 to get married. There are plenty of successful marriages where people married young. Frankly it's better because there is less baggage. It sounds like his friend group is kind of trashy.

DP - getting married young is associated with increased risk for divorce, so there’s that.

Why is it hard to believe that people who married very young wonder who else is out there, or what other life they might have had? They don’t have the experience of being a single adult, which means total freedom. That’s a great experience to have.

Also, this thread sounds a lot like the doctor from a few weeks back who also married young and had a seemingly idyllic life with her best friend until she discovered an affair.