He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Yep. If your husband is a top tier guy, you have to put up with some stepping out (if it happens…not saying all top tier guys do it but IF they do it, you have to put up with it) unless you are top tier yourself.

If you are just some average/above average woman, you have to suck it up.

Vasectomy reversals work 5% of the time. That story is likely a fiction.

Sorry to go off on an tangent, but no. Where's your data? Over 50% result in a successful pregnancy if the woman is under 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you can't "do better" you should settle for being disrespected and lied to? Being single and divorced is far better than sucking it up and accepting poor treatment from your supposed loving "partner." Women don't need a husband. This guy isn't even treating her with the level of respect you might give an acquaintance. The only way I'd consider staying was if I personally was mentally ok with non-monogamy, or I confronted the husband, and he was honest and forthcoming and wanted to work on the marriage. Bring it up... see what happens. Lies, lies, and more lies.

I'd stay for a bit and spend the time working on taking $ from him.

Including get a postnup. Get the kids' college funds done and make him agree they belong to the kids and not the marriage. Etc. Make it hard for him to cheat again and easy for you to leave, assuming you think he wants to stay and this will be leverage for you.

This

This. And vasectomy— yes they can be reversed/IVF but it lowers the odds of accidents. There is at least one DCUM poster who has a spouse paying child support to a baby he fathered while married to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Yes they are. Midlife is about coming to terms with flaws and limitations, sometimes deep ones.

When I was a child I spoke as a child
I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child
When I became a man I gave up childish ways
…For now we see but through a glass, darkly,
But then, face to face.

Pretty wild that you are using the Bible to mitigate adultery

It’s about growing up and maturing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

No he doesn’t. He’s just a bad parent to more people, and a bad spouse to more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

Internet porn and online affair websites and people who will meet to bang at the drop of a hat.

The world is a different place. Add in no empathy and kindness for other parents/spouses and it’s a perfect t storm.

Women are the biggest growing cheater market. Numbers are climbing fast, rivaling men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

Internet porn and online affair websites and people who will meet to bang at the drop of a hat.

The world is a different place. Add in no empathy and kindness for other parents/spouses and it’s a perfect t storm.

Women are the biggest growing cheater market. Numbers are climbing fast, rivaling men.

Women that don’t work can now basically sit at home and order a married guy to come over and bang then like they would order a burrito on UberEats. There is no shortage of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

Internet porn and online affair websites and people who will meet to bang at the drop of a hat.

The world is a different place. Add in no empathy and kindness for other parents/spouses and it’s a perfect t storm.

Women are the biggest growing cheater market. Numbers are climbing fast, rivaling men.

Women that don’t work can now basically sit at home and order a married guy to come over and bang then like they would order a burrito on UberEats. There is no shortage of them.

Women who work outside the home cheat more. More opportunity/temptation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

Internet porn and online affair websites and people who will meet to bang at the drop of a hat.

The world is a different place. Add in no empathy and kindness for other parents/spouses and it’s a perfect t storm.

Women are the biggest growing cheater market. Numbers are climbing fast, rivaling men.

Women that don’t work can now basically sit at home and order a married guy to come over and bang then like they would order a burrito on UberEats. There is no shortage of them.

Women who work outside the home cheat more. More opportunity/temptation.

Well I guess I should say people who work outside the home. I assume it doesn’t matter what gender you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

Internet porn and online affair websites and people who will meet to bang at the drop of a hat.

The world is a different place. Add in no empathy and kindness for other parents/spouses and it’s a perfect t storm.

Women are the biggest growing cheater market. Numbers are climbing fast, rivaling men.

Women that don’t work can now basically sit at home and order a married guy to come over and bang then like they would order a burrito on UberEats. There is no shortage of them.

That's what my neighbor used to do when her teens were in school and husband was at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

Internet porn and online affair websites and people who will meet to bang at the drop of a hat.

The world is a different place. Add in no empathy and kindness for other parents/spouses and it’s a perfect t storm.

Women are the biggest growing cheater market. Numbers are climbing fast, rivaling men.

Women that don’t work can now basically sit at home and order a married guy to come over and bang then like they would order a burrito on UberEats. There is no shortage of them.

That's what my neighbor used to do when her teens were in school and husband was at work.

No woman who looks better than a troll would actually do this. It’s easy enough to meet men in real life no matter your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Yes they are. Midlife is about coming to terms with flaws and limitations, sometimes deep ones.

When I was a child I spoke as a child
I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child
When I became a man I gave up childish ways
…For now we see but through a glass, darkly,
But then, face to face.

The bold is one of the many stories society tells women in order to convince women to continue to accept abuse. Divorce is alao a way of comjng to terms with flaws and limitations. I gave up my childish notion of marriage above all - of believing that the showone presents to the world is more important than living a healthy life even when it isn’t a fairy tale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Yes they are. Midlife is about coming to terms with flaws and limitations, sometimes deep ones.

When I was a child I spoke as a child
I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child
When I became a man I gave up childish ways
…For now we see but through a glass, darkly,
But then, face to face.

The bold is one of the many stories society tells women in order to convince women to continue to accept abuse. Divorce is alao a way of comjng to terms with flaws and limitations. I gave up my childish notion of marriage above all - of believing that the showone presents to the world is more important than living a healthy life even when it isn’t a fairy tale.

Also valid. But you are basically trying to hold on to idealism in an unideal world.

[Anonymous]

no way anyone should believe that pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Yes they are. Midlife is about coming to terms with flaws and limitations, sometimes deep ones.

When I was a child I spoke as a child
I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child
When I became a man I gave up childish ways
…For now we see but through a glass, darkly,
But then, face to face.

The bold is one of the many stories society tells women in order to convince women to continue to accept abuse. Divorce is alao a way of comjng to terms with flaws and limitations. I gave up my childish notion of marriage above all - of believing that the showone presents to the world is more important than living a healthy life even when it isn’t a fairy tale.

Also valid. But you are basically trying to hold on to idealism in an unideal world.

Agreed. It's important for OP to think about all options and no option comes without its problems.

[Anonymous]

It's also not controlled by OP. OP only has control over herself.