When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

You are conflating wrongs. When a spouse cheats they owe their spouse honestly and accountability. I do not think a spouse owes dead silence. They can talk about it in safe ways that protect their children.

Your mother and sister in law were owed honesty and justice. And of course these situations are not the same as they had a violent crime perpetrated against them. Equating these things shows your skewed judgement.

They can be protected because no one committed a crime against them. The damage is that the family is split. Again, trying to turn them against the cheater if the cheater is an active present parent does nothing but self serve the other spouse and harm the innocent kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

You are conflating wrongs. When a spouse cheats they owe their spouse honestly and accountability. I do not think a spouse owes dead silence. They can talk about it in safe ways that protect their children.

Your mother and sister in law were owed honesty and justice. And of course these situations are not the same as they had a violent crime perpetrated against them. Equating these things shows your skewed judgement.

They can be protected because no one committed a crime against them. The damage is that the family is split. Again, trying to turn them against the cheater if the cheater is an active present parent does nothing but self serve the other spouse and harm the innocent kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

This person is such a bore by now I think we can just end the thread. We are just going in circles and now PP has decided that every divorce is exactly like hers with exactly the same ending and somehow telling a sentence of truth to a teenager is going to lead them to misery while leading you away from happiness. I’m just over this conversation. OP. Do what you want. If kids are younger they really can’t understand that much. Eventually questions will come and then I guess you can raise kids who know not to question like PP whom you just go “I don’t want to say anything bad about your dad. We just didn’t love each other anymore “. Or you can decide to be truthful when asked. Either way it’s your reaction. Follow the direction of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This person is such a bore by now I think we can just end the thread. We are just going in circles and now PP has decided that every divorce is exactly like hers with exactly the same ending and somehow telling a sentence of truth to a teenager is going to lead them to misery while leading you away from happiness. I’m just over this conversation. OP. Do what you want. If kids are younger they really can’t understand that much. Eventually questions will come and then I guess you can raise kids who know not to question like PP whom you just go “I don’t want to say anything bad about your dad. We just didn’t love each other anymore “. Or you can decide to be truthful when asked. Either way it’s your reaction. Follow the direction of the child.

Whew! Thanks for seeing yourself out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is such a bore by now I think we can just end the thread. We are just going in circles and now PP has decided that every divorce is exactly like hers with exactly the same ending and somehow telling a sentence of truth to a teenager is going to lead them to misery while leading you away from happiness. I’m just over this conversation. OP. Do what you want. If kids are younger they really can’t understand that much. Eventually questions will come and then I guess you can raise kids who know not to question like PP whom you just go “I don’t want to say anything bad about your dad. We just didn’t love each other anymore “. Or you can decide to be truthful when asked. Either way it’s your reaction. Follow the direction of the child.

Whew! Thanks for seeing yourself out!

Will you close the door when you leave the hotel room, please? We wouldn’t want your secret to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

This is a good point. I have a similar issue with my family of origin (childhood abuse) and am not able to talk about it in a balanced way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

This. Exactly this. And yes you can absolutely be trashing someone by saying a truthful thing about them. The emotional baggage of having one parent trash the other is huge to a kid. This is obvious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

(I'm that PP) She was only "repressing" the cheating from her kids, she told her parents, sisters, and friends all about it. They're the ones we kids eventually learned about it from. She dumped her emotional baggage on us because she wasn't even thinking that being mad at her XH could have any effect on her kids. She was plenty "honest" with us about everything else about him that she hated (lazy, abusive, selfish, narcissistic, not successful enough, gambling debts, etc) so it's hard to imagine throwing in the extra truth that he was a cheater would have helped us or her.

My parents are both from the generation that doesn't believe in therapy. You should just tough it out. Whenever I've suggested therapy to my mom, she starts lashing out - "why do you hate me? I'm fine, I don't need therapy, you need therapy!" so I've given up on that. As for my dad, he is a total narcissist who does not believe he ever did anything wrong, no point in suggesting therapy to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

Agree. I got the worst of all worlds, myself. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret AND relentlessly trashed him to us as a way of dumping her emotional baggage and extreme rage. She was completely oblivious to the negative effects this had on us.

It would have been better for her to come clean instead of repressing it. She likely was resentful for carrying that burden and it messed with her mentally...hence the issues she dumped on you.

Honesty and therapy (for betrayed and kids)...and the dipsh*t cheater obviously should have been in therapy a long time ago.

DP.


Therapy would probably have helped.

But honesty alone would probably not have changed anything. It's very common for people to stay resentful even after opening up about affairs. This is why the children of these people are insisting that it's better not to share. Many people don't share in healthy ways. Perhaps therapy before sharing? Parhaps tell the children that it is very complicated, and you will get back to them when you have found an appropriate way to explain it all?

Many cheaters won't share in healthy ways why they left the marriage. I was the most doting wife and mother, taking care of literally everything in the household. My exH was telling our son that he left because "mom went crazy, she beat me, she lies etc". My son was left wondering what's going on.
Cheaters have no integrity and never exit the marriage honestly: they try to take advantage of innocent spouse financially, emotionally and physically (yes, he had sex with me once a week while being in a heated affair )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

On the side of the family secret keepers, I see. Yeah, that’s not a side I want to be on, thanks. I am not protecting the secrets of abusers.