I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP, if your DH doubled his income tomorrow, would you slow your pace and work part-time or at a "hobby job"? Or would you continue apace, happy that he was earning more and enjoying that he like you was stressed out by work?

Does your DH pick up slack at home? Does he cook, clean, do laundry? keep track of things? If he does any of that, then FYI, he is relieving you of some of your load.

Your combined income is about $400K. If you downshift to a job that pays say, $150K, then you will still have plenty of money and feel less stressed out.

Why do you insist that your DH bear the burden that you yourself can't seem to unload?

I would not work a hobby job but I would stop worrying about maximizing my career. I might downshift somewhat. Alternatively I might make a plan to spend more time with kids during the teenage years after amassing a large nest egg since it is my understanding that this is a time that parental attention can really matter more than ever.

He is decent on the home front when I manage him. I’d much rather him earn more and manage part time household help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP, if your DH doubled his income tomorrow, would you slow your pace and work part-time or at a "hobby job"? Or would you continue apace, happy that he was earning more and enjoying that he like you was stressed out by work?

Does your DH pick up slack at home? Does he cook, clean, do laundry? keep track of things? If he does any of that, then FYI, he is relieving you of some of your load.

Your combined income is about $400K. If you downshift to a job that pays say, $150K, then you will still have plenty of money and feel less stressed out.

Why do you insist that your DH bear the burden that you yourself can't seem to unload?

I would not work a hobby job but I would stop worrying about maximizing my career. I might downshift somewhat. Alternatively I might make a plan to spend more time with kids during the teenage years after amassing a large nest egg since it is my understanding that this is a time that parental attention can really matter more than ever.

He is decent on the home front when I manage him. I’d much rather him earn more and manage part time household help.

OP again. It is hard for me to imagine him actually doing things like taking charge of menu planning and doing dr’s appointments but if he genuinely took all of that on and also remembered to get the house power washed or the gutters cleaned etc. this would help.

But the real issue as another PP pointed out is we have a big value clash and he mocks my goals in a similar manner as the other posters here. He thinks I worry too much about the future and just disregards my feelings about my priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP, if your DH doubled his income tomorrow, would you slow your pace and work part-time or at a "hobby job"? Or would you continue apace, happy that he was earning more and enjoying that he like you was stressed out by work?

Does your DH pick up slack at home? Does he cook, clean, do laundry? keep track of things? If he does any of that, then FYI, he is relieving you of some of your load.

Your combined income is about $400K. If you downshift to a job that pays say, $150K, then you will still have plenty of money and feel less stressed out.

Why do you insist that your DH bear the burden that you yourself can't seem to unload?

I would not work a hobby job but I would stop worrying about maximizing my career. I might downshift somewhat. Alternatively I might make a plan to spend more time with kids during the teenage years after amassing a large nest egg since it is my understanding that this is a time that parental attention can really matter more than ever.

He is decent on the home front when I manage him. I’d much rather him earn more and manage part time household help.

OP again. It is hard for me to imagine him actually doing things like taking charge of menu planning and doing dr’s appointments but if he genuinely took all of that on and also remembered to get the house power washed or the gutters cleaned etc. this would help.

But the real issue as another PP pointed out is we have a big value clash and he mocks my goals in a similar manner as the other posters here. He thinks I worry too much about the future and just disregards my feelings about my priorities.

Whoa OP- I’m the massage recommender PP and my husband would NEVER make fun of my life goals. That is cruel. I think you married a cruel man. And btw I hope you start keeping most of your paycheck for yourself and he can pay for house stuff. If not, move further out and keep the savings to yourself. He will straighten up right quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

OP, you didn't address this point from a PP. Why don't you go out there and hustle, and get that $$$ job so that you can have the additional money that you think your family so desperately deserves? Obviously your DH does not share your values on this, so why are you not maximizing your income further? If you make 250K, I imagine you're in a field where you could very well make more depending on the particular job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

He doesn't share those goals. Those are YOUR goals, not his goals. Given that, why don't you pick up the pace and make more money to achieve your own goals?

On the "primal" bit, no, I don't think that men and women are exactly the same, nor do I think your response to your DH failing to work towards your goals is a "primal" female thing. I do think that your emasculation of your DH is unwarranted and relationship-killing. There is nothing unmanly about a man who has a steady job with a decent salary and good benefits but you seem to want to emasculate your DH for the crime of not sharing your ambition.

Did he agree before you married that he would work as hard as possible to make as much money as possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

Haha OP my husband is also a relatively high level Fed, and I made more than him in a job I found stressful. So he encouraged me when I wanted to quit. So I quit! He makes more than enough to support our family quite comfortably and seems happy to do it. The main difference between our two situations is that I am not a materialistic princess and so I am content (grateful, actually) for us to live off off his salary, which is entirely possible in the DMV.

TL;DR - you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.

Which choice would be better for your kids?

1. Attend private schools while living with a bitter divorced mom and an absent dad, or

2. Attend public schools while living with parents who love and respect each other in spite of their different values?

If you divorce your husband, are you SURE you can find a better, more driven, one to replace him?

Most parents who send kids to private schools do so more as an ego boost for themselves than from any concern about their children's education. Are you going to pressure your kids to choose high paid careers instead of following their passions, because you worked so hard to send them to expensive schools and they owe it to you to satisfy your dreams instead of their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

No, I think that men and women are not monoliths, and that men and women can all want different things out of relationships. Not all men want the same thing. Not all women want the same thing. There are women who would find that kind of husband -- one with a good job and a decent salary -- just fine.

And a GS-14 makes $120-$160K a year. If you can't figure out how to save for retirement and college on $220-$260K a year, that's still on you. You are determined to resent your husband and disclaim responsibility by asserting that it's "primal." But it's you and your values, and the way you are choosing to frame things.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are still reading this, don't discount all the benefits of being married to a fed. You can take more career risks because he won't get laid off. And you'll have retiree health insurance so all that money you are saving now won't have to go towards health care costs in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.

Which choice would be better for your kids?

1. Attend private schools while living with a bitter divorced mom and an absent dad, or

2. Attend public schools while living with parents who love and respect each other in spite of their different values?

If you divorce your husband, are you SURE you can find a better, more driven, one to replace him?

Most parents who send kids to private schools do so more as an ego boost for themselves than from any concern about their children's education. Are you going to pressure your kids to choose high paid careers instead of following their passions, because you worked so hard to send them to expensive schools and they owe it to you to satisfy your dreams instead of their own?

Again you can't go back in time OP. To answer your question, clearly a lot of women are attracted to ambitious men. But ask yourself given where you are and who you married, what is the best thing for you and your kids? Is it really divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP, if your DH doubled his income tomorrow, would you slow your pace and work part-time or at a "hobby job"? Or would you continue apace, happy that he was earning more and enjoying that he like you was stressed out by work?

Does your DH pick up slack at home? Does he cook, clean, do laundry? keep track of things? If he does any of that, then FYI, he is relieving you of some of your load.

Your combined income is about $400K. If you downshift to a job that pays say, $150K, then you will still have plenty of money and feel less stressed out.

Why do you insist that your DH bear the burden that you yourself can't seem to unload?

I would not work a hobby job but I would stop worrying about maximizing my career. I might downshift somewhat. Alternatively I might make a plan to spend more time with kids during the teenage years after amassing a large nest egg since it is my understanding that this is a time that parental attention can really matter more than ever.

He is decent on the home front when I manage him. I’d much rather him earn more and manage part time household help.

OP again. It is hard for me to imagine him actually doing things like taking charge of menu planning and doing dr’s appointments but if he genuinely took all of that on and also remembered to get the house power washed or the gutters cleaned etc. this would help.

But the real issue as another PP pointed out is we have a big value clash and he mocks my goals in a similar manner as the other posters here. He thinks I worry too much about the future and just disregards my feelings about my priorities.

Whoa OP- I’m the massage recommender PP and my husband would NEVER make fun of my life goals. That is cruel. I think you married a cruel man. And btw I hope you start keeping most of your paycheck for yourself and he can pay for house stuff. If not, move further out and keep the savings to yourself. He will straighten up right quick.

To be fair, OP is dripping with contempt for her spouse. I'd take her description with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

No, I think that men and women are not monoliths, and that men and women can all want different things out of relationships. Not all men want the same thing. Not all women want the same thing. There are women who would find that kind of husband -- one with a good job and a decent salary -- just fine.

And a GS-14 makes $120-$160K a year. If you can't figure out how to save for retirement and college on $220-$260K a year, that's still on you. You are determined to resent your husband and disclaim responsibility by asserting that it's "primal." But it's you and your values, and the way you are choosing to frame things.

They make more like 400k a year. It is absolutely insane to complain about that not being enough. They are in the top 1% of earners. Nothing will ever be enough for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.

Which choice would be better for your kids?

1. Attend private schools while living with a bitter divorced mom and an absent dad, or

2. Attend public schools while living with parents who love and respect each other in spite of their different values?

If you divorce your husband, are you SURE you can find a better, more driven, one to replace him?

Most parents who send kids to private schools do so more as an ego boost for themselves than from any concern about their children's education. Are you going to pressure your kids to choose high paid careers instead of following their passions, because you worked so hard to send them to expensive schools and they owe it to you to satisfy your dreams instead of their own?

I agree with this. We are in the opposite situation and we always say we feel lucky I have a flexible job so I can pick the kids up from school, take them to the doctors, have them stay home with me some weeks in the summer so we don’t have to pay for camp. I can pick them up and drop off without paying for after care….do you really want both of you to be stressed out at work and working long hours? Is this your only issue with your dh? If it is, it certainly isn’t worth getting divorced over. Maybe seek marriage counseling. Also have him pick up the slack…make dinner, make lunches, book kids activities, do laundry.

Again you can't go back in time OP. To answer your question, clearly a lot of women are attracted to ambitious men. But ask yourself given where you are and who you married, what is the best thing for you and your kids? Is it really divorce?