I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Wow. Replace DH with DW and watch heads explode on this forum. Men have dealt with this for generations.

Are those men doing an equal or greater share of the housework and childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sounds greedy and materialistic. Try focusing on the things that matter---private school doesn't matter. Owning a house is nice but ultimately doesn't matter. Having a huge savings is nice but doesn't matter. You're killing yourself for things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter.

Yup.

I think OP should chime in with her lifestyle info. She is choosing to live this way and is mad her DH has different priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Wow. Replace DH with DW and watch heads explode on this forum. Men have dealt with this for generations.

Are those men doing an equal or greater share of the housework and childcare?

Is OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

There is a difference between appreciating what you have and blaming and hating your husband because he has chosen something different than what you now want. Hard to believe you don't see the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

There is a difference between appreciating what you have and blaming and hating your husband because he has chosen something different than what you now want. Hard to believe you don't see the difference.

My point is that the "traditional alpha male" narrative is popular and sought after in this forum. Why so much hate for someone who wants that for herself as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

There is a difference between appreciating what you have and blaming and hating your husband because he has chosen something different than what you now want. Hard to believe you don't see the difference.

My point is that the "traditional alpha male" narrative is popular and sought after in this forum. Why so much hate for someone who wants that for herself as well?

I'm not sure that narrative is so popular. But that aside, my point is that the hate is not for her wanting it. It's because she got married to, and had kids with, a guy who makes decent money, but not enough for her to be able to coast in her job and live in an expensive house, send her kids to private school, etc. She also doesn't sound like she wants to be a SAHM and do all the work that that entails. She wants a bs, no stress job, but is mad that her husband has it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

There is a difference between appreciating what you have and blaming and hating your husband because he has chosen something different than what you now want. Hard to believe you don't see the difference.

My point is that the "traditional alpha male" narrative is popular and sought after in this forum. Why so much hate for someone who wants that for herself as well?

That isn't the issue causing the piling on. The issue is that OP is miserable and stressed, and hates her DH because he is not miserable and stressed. Instead of wanting to make herself less miserable and stressed, she wants HIM to become miserable and stressed too so they can be equally unhappy while raking in more dough.

It's disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a vacation for real. Publish a mag that spans two months -special Nov/Dec edition and take two weeks off in Dec. Maybe do the special editions give a year so you can take the time off. Negotiate that with your employer. If they don’t accept, then I would seriously consider finding a new job. It doesn’t have to be in publishing. Talk to a career or life coach or chat with your network of publishers and see what they transitioned to after publishing. You sound like hard worker, perfectionist, and are very attentive to detail. Those skills are transferable anywhere. Folks aren’t really reading magazines anymore anyway, why not try communication director somewhere?

It’s okay that this may have been the life you wanted years ago but not the life you want now. My DH switched to a less stressful job a few years ago after being a high earner. And he’s much happier.

Stop commenting on my life. I was not complaining. I was saying that OP does not need to quit her job for more vacation time and gave myself as an example of someone who takes random days and one week per year. Vacation is not going to solve OP's problem. I would not even have commented if someone did not make such a stupid statement.

Hi I’m the PP. I wasn’t commenting on your life. I was commenting on OP’s first post. And I wasn’t being snarky. I want to be helpful. I think OP needs to take some time away from her high pressure job to think for herself about what really matters to her in life. Whether it is wealth or maybe it is something else. I think OP is so busy she hasn’t had time to reflect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

There is a difference between appreciating what you have and blaming and hating your husband because he has chosen something different than what you now want. Hard to believe you don't see the difference.

My point is that the "traditional alpha male" narrative is popular and sought after in this forum. Why so much hate for someone who wants that for herself as well?

That isn't the issue causing the piling on. The issue is that OP is miserable and stressed, and hates her DH because he is not miserable and stressed. Instead of wanting to make herself less miserable and stressed, she wants HIM to become miserable and stressed too so they can be equally unhappy while raking in more dough.

It's disgusting.

Even worse, she wants her husband to be miserable and stressed so that she can take on an easy job and just coast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't get the hate directed at OP. This forum is filled with women with high-earning husbands who wouldn't have it any other way. So many are in an arrangement where they either have flexible jobs, work part time, or don't work at all. And the funny thing is, they all parrot the same line: "I'm doing what's best for my family, I love spending time with my kids, I am thankful to have a high-earning DH." But OP comes along and complains that she doesn't have the DCUM prized UMC lifestyle of a coasting job with a hard working DH, suddenly she is slammed, by women who have these things no less! It's kinda funny.

There is a difference between appreciating what you have and blaming and hating your husband because he has chosen something different than what you now want. Hard to believe you don't see the difference.

My point is that the "traditional alpha male" narrative is popular and sought after in this forum. Why so much hate for someone who wants that for herself as well?

That isn't the issue causing the piling on. The issue is that OP is miserable and stressed, and hates her DH because he is not miserable and stressed. Instead of wanting to make herself less miserable and stressed, she wants HIM to become miserable and stressed too so they can be equally unhappy while raking in more dough.

It's disgusting.

+1 The OP seems to have ignored all the advice in this thread, even the few posts from kind posters who tried to help without criticizing her (not I), so it seems the thread served no purpose for her. It has made me newly grateful that DH and I approach life as a team, and hopefully it will help others at least feel happy that they are not stuck married to someone who only values their ability to produce income (or give pause to those who are married to such people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You're uncomfortable by choice. You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI. He apparently doesn't care about this so much. Your load is self-inflicted. Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP, if your DH doubled his income tomorrow, would you slow your pace and work part-time or at a "hobby job"? Or would you continue apace, happy that he was earning more and enjoying that he like you was stressed out by work?

Does your DH pick up slack at home? Does he cook, clean, do laundry? keep track of things? If he does any of that, then FYI, he is relieving you of some of your load.

Your combined income is about $400K. If you downshift to a job that pays say, $150K, then you will still have plenty of money and feel less stressed out.

Why do you insist that your DH bear the burden that you yourself can't seem to unload?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man.

It is sad and pathetic that you question your husband's manhood based on his choice to keep a steady, reasonably well-paying job with good benefits.

Ugly.