Reply to I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her? [/quote]

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

[/quote]

You're uncomfortable by choice.  You are making yourself miserable because you want more money, even though the two of you make like $400K a year, which is an excellent HHI.  He apparently doesn't care about this so much.  Your load is self-inflicted.  Why should he give up a stable, steady job (the value of which seems to elude you) that he apparently likes just so he can be a striver like you?  [/quote]

So he can better help me meet some financial goals apparently only I care about like a very solid retirement savings, good education for my children, and helping ensure that they are able to launch comfortably into life and start their own families in a strange and uncertain world?

If I didn’t make $250k and only $100k then we would not be able to reach these financial goals.

Anyway, I didn’t come here for advice. I came here for a discussion/debate about whether anyone else feels that there is something primal that makes a woman resentful if she feels pressure and her husband cannot or will not assist. I also wanted to vent, which was accomplished.

Most people in this forum seem to believe that men and women are exactly the same, and what they desire from each other in a relationship is exactly the same. Ok. I certainly do not agree with that, even if I believe men and women are equally capable.

[/quote]

No, I think that men and women are not monoliths, and that men and women can all want different things out of relationships.  Not all men want the same thing.  Not all women want the same thing.  There are women who would find that kind of husband -- one with a good job and a decent salary -- just fine.

And a GS-14 makes $120-$160K a year.  If you can't figure out how to save for retirement and college on $220-$260K a year, that's still on you.  You are determined to resent your husband and disclaim responsibility by asserting that it's "primal."  But it's you and your values, and the way you are choosing to frame things.  [/quote]

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