Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of DCUM posters obviously don’t live by the “it takes a village” way of raising kids. Fine. But that means your way of vacationing with kids is not a good fit for this particular vacation. Like it or not, OP is the host, so her preferences matter. (And yes to the ones who insist on bringing up OP’s parents. It’s HER parents who have given HER permission to use the house. She is the host.)

And there’s simply no excuse for not doing your own laundry and dishes as an adult, or working remotely and disrupting vacation for others when your own house is nearby. OP, it’s perfectly fine to tell the cousin it won’t work next year and why.

No the problem is slot of DCumers especially the women, think they have the right to dictate and control their adult relatives calling it village style. True village style is not one person telling everyone else what they are going to do. It's coming together to develop a plan for the group.

Sounds like OP and her friend come together just fine to plan. Cousin simply doesn’t want that kind of vacation and doesn’t participate in the planning. Cool. She can find another vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t owe the cousin an invite. She’s free to spend her vacation as she sees fit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What am I missing? Why are posters ganging up on OP? This cousin expects that her meals, laundry and cleaning are going to be 100% handled by two women who have a zillion kids between them. What do you expect OP to do?

It’s weird to me too. There is no obligation to have the cousin there. At least for me vacations are a time to unwind, not to get stressed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What am I missing? Why are posters ganging up on OP? This cousin expects that her meals, laundry and cleaning are going to be 100% handled by two women who have a zillion kids between them. What do you expect OP to do?

That's not entirely true.as post pointed out op is very much the type to want to control everything. Her cousin didn't ask her to take care of her baby op just assumed she should do something instead of sitting her butt down someplace , dipping on some wine ( that she had to pour herself) and minding her own damn business

Cousin is local. Why can’t she stay at her own place?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. OP is asking for advice on one thing and people bring up perceived additional info as if it's true. Wild.

It's the dcum classic -- rewriting the OP's posts to fit their own history & narrative.

Ah, never change DCUM!

OP is getting advice, it's just not what she wants to hear.

Because your “advice” is ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since she is local OP, I would be careful.

Would continue to invite, but what's the issue with just taking her clothes out of the hamper and throwing them in a pile, instead of washing them? Or letting her kid sit in dirty diapers, if she is not willing to change them?

It sounds like she is poor, and this is her only chance at some sort of "vacation" from her life.

She's "poor," but "lives local" to the family beach house on the Cape? Not totally impossible, but extremely, extremely unlikely.

Why are people falling all over themselves to manufacture excuses for the adult cousin?

They see themselves in the cousin and it hits too close to the bone.

It's hilarious to me that OP either starts sockpuppeting or comes back with a post thanking her supporters and explaining why her cousin is so awful anytime people question her or given anything other than approval.

I’m a new poster to the thread and have read the entire thread. I am on team op. Why do you think “0P is obviously sock puppeting” rather than maybe there are others who agree with OP and disagree with your stance which is team Cousin? Are you unable to consider different views?

I think the original poster should speak with her cousin about the expectations in the house for that vacation. And then will be up to the Cousin to determine whether or not she agrees and wants to continue vacationing with the OP and BF or if she would prefer to stay at her own home

I do not own a beach house but I have been a guest. I always pull my weight. I also always try to treat my hosts to a night out at dinner as a thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think part of the problem might be that you and friend discussed and set the schedule, then after the fact ask the cousin. She is probably seething and resentful that she feels already left behind. You saying the BF is a delight to be with tells me that you are making it clear to cousin, even subconsciously, that you and BF would prefer cousin not being around.

I would have a discussion with her. Cousin, for these summers to work, each of us needs to pitch in and carry equal weight. If you just want a vacation away from doing all that every day, then this isn't the place to do it.

For next summer to work, the three of us need to come up with a schedule and each of us do our part.

I am sure all sorts of resentment will come seething out of her. Then you need to discuss. If this breaks up the 3 Amigos, it is what it is. But perhaps it can reset the tone moving forward.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened when she was the only childfree one?

There might be resentments on her side too.

She’s always been like this. In the past it hasn’t been as bad bc she hovers and asks if I’m making her a sandwich, my answer is normally sure! Or annoyance and a “no” and I quickly move on. It just hits differently when I’m making sandwiches for all these kids and her husband is working and her baby is sleeping and she asks me to prepare her lunch. (To which I said no.)

That’s one example.

OP, WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND TO HELP YOU? Hire a nanny if you need one.

Huh? So, OP not wanting to make sandwiches for her (adult) cousin means she should hire a nanny for her? It does sound like cousin wants to be treated like a child, but this is a bit much…

[Anonymous]

Has OP clarified how far away the cousin lives? Like, is her house a 15 minute drive or is it more like an hour from the beach house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think part of the problem might be that you and friend discussed and set the schedule, then after the fact ask the cousin. She is probably seething and resentful that she feels already left behind. You saying the BF is a delight to be with tells me that you are making it clear to cousin, even subconsciously, that you and BF would prefer cousin not being around.

I would have a discussion with her. Cousin, for these summers to work, each of us needs to pitch in and carry equal weight. If you just want a vacation away from doing all that every day, then this isn't the place to do it.

For next summer to work, the three of us need to come up with a schedule and each of us do our part.

I am sure all sorts of resentment will come seething out of her. Then you need to discuss. If this breaks up the 3 Amigos, it is what it is. But perhaps it can reset the tone moving forward.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cape Cod or Cape May?

Cape May: drugs
Cape Cod: even more drugs

💉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Has OP clarified how far away the cousin lives? Like, is her house a 15 minute drive or is it more like an hour from the beach house?

She lives 30min away.

Her brother owns a beach house across the street. I asked her to stay there this year but she argued that we wouldn’t get to see each other this year bc the baby naps twice a day. I found this to be a little ridiculous but also I’m not here to argue with a new mom or tell her how she was “wrong”. We had the the bedroom so despite being worried about so many bodies and her previous years of enjoying the beach and not pitching in.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

[Anonymous]

Not excusing Cousin for refusing to pitch in, but where are the other husbands in this? Cousin’s DH is working, but what about the other two? Is this a “men lounge on the deck drinking beer all day while the women do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare” dynamic on these vacations? I wouldn’t play along with that either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Has OP clarified how far away the cousin lives? Like, is her house a 15 minute drive or is it more like an hour from the beach house?

She lives 30min away.

Her brother owns a beach house across the street. I asked her to stay there this year but she argued that we wouldn’t get to see each other this year bc the baby naps twice a day. I found this to be a little ridiculous but also I’m not here to argue with a new mom or tell her how she was “wrong”. We had the the bedroom so despite being worried about so many bodies and her previous years of enjoying the beach and not pitching in.

This will build in you until you confront her and you will dread next year until you do. Having multiple families in one house means everyone pitches in, yes even with "not your kids" if you want to be in the house. Your night to cook: take care of it, even ordering. It all sounds ridiculous that she thinks she can just sit around and not do her part in a community house. I have to go on family vacations (IL's) every other year. The deal they've always had is you cook once in the week for the entire group...it's a pain, a lot, but the other nights I get to eat for no effort. It's just the deal. And I was childless for over a decade. If we were out and a kid was crying/needing something/parents were stressed, I naturally stepped in. Not my kid, but I'm human. Sounds like your cousin is lazy and has gotten away with it for years. She doesn't want to stay across the street b/c then she would have to feed her family and clean up for herself. And deal with her dh working and talking on the phone (rude).

Call her. Say with more and more people/kids, everyone has to pitch in and you noticed her not. Ask if she's ok. But be clear it annoyed you. Anything else, you'll continue to stew about and ruin your vacation again next year and stress about it in the meantime. Just confront it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

This has my vote. Someone mentioned maybe she didn't even look at the google sheet/didn't understand how to access? The meal thing could have been caught quickly, even ahead of time--"did you look at the google sheet? I didn't see your entry"--and go from there. What was her role in the planning? Who set up the sheet?

Seems like you regarded this as "organized" but it wasn't, not really. I guess if you regard yourself as hosting, it's more like being the manager in this case, right? Graat that you and your BF have a good working relationship for this stuff, but that can also lead to your cousin feeling passive about it all, and as "manager", it's your job to take care of that, especially since she's technically family and your BF is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Has OP clarified how far away the cousin lives? Like, is her house a 15 minute drive or is it more like an hour from the beach house?

She lives 30min away.

Her brother owns a beach house across the street. I asked her to stay there this year but she argued that we wouldn’t get to see each other this year bc the baby naps twice a day. I found this to be a little ridiculous but also I’m not here to argue with a new mom or tell her how she was “wrong”. We had the the bedroom so despite being worried about so many bodies and her previous years of enjoying the beach and not pitching in.

She's wrong because she wants her 1 year old to nap twice a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing Cousin for refusing to pitch in, but where are the other husbands in this? Cousin’s DH is working, but what about the other two? Is this a “men lounge on the deck drinking beer all day while the women do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare” dynamic on these vacations? I wouldn’t play along with that either.

Considering op is refusing to answer this I'm assuming it's because they refuse to go because op is a huge pita and vacationing with her is miserable and they'd rather have the house to themselves for the week.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the host. It's your space, not hers. I don't generally make myself at home in other peoples homes. I follow host lead, let them offer or make suggestions. Unless I'm randomly starving, then maybe suggest I want carryout and ask what they want to do.