Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you can ever get over it. I didn’t. Similar facts to you. I learned to live with it. We are divorced but on good terms as co-parents. The hurt is still there because for a big part of my marriage he was cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair. I don’t have all the details but he has confessed it was highly sexual. Married 15 years, two kids.

Honey, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Take very good care of yourself right now.

I will give you some advice from someone who has been where you are.

Your focus right now is all wrong. You cannot at this time think "whether it is possible to get over the affair."

#1, your DH has to ask you to forgive him and stay with him. Has he?

#2, he has to believe - even if it is not true - but he absolutely has to believe that you will leave him.

#3, if you have only just found out, the only appropriate response to this is shock and offer to divorce amicably with ample time to see the children. You cannot spend too much time crying, asking what happened, especially what YOU did wrong (nothing)...it has to be like this. "I am shocked and stricken you have done this. Let us divorce without too much acrimony and I promise you we will divide assets and time with children fairly."

Then, stand back and see what he says. This is his cue to beg you for forgiveness because they usually do. Your DH has been hiding his affair, which means he did not want you to know, which means he does not want to divorce. He has to realize what he wants is escaping him, that his whole life is crumbling.

When he does, say you don't know. You need to think.

Then, you must create distance between you two. Move into a different room, or have him move. Talk to him only as much as you need to for logistics and parenting. Give yourself time and space. You are going to go through emotional hell like a pendulum swinging back and forth to many different emotions. Right now you must not, you cannot make any long term decisions. You are not fit to do that. You must first process this until you are somewhat clear-headed. This can easily take months.

During that time, do not have much contact with your husband. Stay apart and aloof. Really try to visualize his life without him. He will do the same.

If after that time you decide you would rather stay married, observe your husband. Does he continue to be remorseful? Is he begging for forgiveness? Is he changing things that have bothered you? And most importantly, has he cut contact with the other woman?

At this point, you can see what you want to do.

Again , I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The important thing right now is to let this shockwave run through you and do not be hurried into anything. Hugs.

This is great advice. I did this automatically. My spouse ended affair (was the one to break up) before I found out.

I did everything you mentioned. The only thing with #3- I was not calm. I kicked him out the next day for 2 weeks. I did say I wanted a divorce but not amicably. Divorce should always be on the table. There is no agreeing to work out it for some time. You need therapy, lots of facts and to see actions for a long time.

[Anonymous]

I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

[Anonymous]

No. Why would you want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

I'm sad for you and can't imagine your regret, but I hope things work out for you both and your marriage. Women tend to feel more regret and empathy when they have an affair
It seems extremely rare for men having an affair to be all that concerned with the implication on their spouse. Men are never sorry until they are caught. And then they are only sorry because they are about to lose a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

^ that’s such a stereotype. Such bullsh@t. I know a lot of disgusting whores that repeatedly cheat on their husbands.

My husband was/is incredibly empathetic and remorseful and was the one to put himself into therapy to deal with his demons while the married woman kept telling him not to do therapy and pulled out all stops to keep it going—even when she knew he wanted nothing to do with her. She showed zero remorse and hated her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry I ran you over with a bulldozer. Daddy didn’t give me attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Most people have been with someone else before marriage so I don’t think this is necessarily true. Why is sex such a big deal? There is so much more to a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Some other guy’s jiz...in his wife for years. Yeah. That’s a tough one to overcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Most people have been with someone else before marriage so I don’t think this is necessarily true. Why is sex such a big deal? There is so much more to a long term relationship.

Dumb. Key word: BEFORE

Having sex with your spouse while you are also having sex on the outside exposes them to disease.

Give me a break that you would even try to compare prior partners/boyfriends to cheating on your husband.

[Anonymous]

People don’t get to do whatever the hell they want and think saying “sorry” makes up for it. Some things “sorry” does not fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Well women have been dealing with this painful element post affair since forever. It is a piece of it that he will have to struggle with, over time its intensity and duration can lessen, if she is there with him, he has a therapist, he wants to move beyond rather than stay and pick at it, etc. It can be faced and it can be ok in that it may rear its head, he may visit, but they don't have to live there. Time can help...that may mean 5 years. If they are committed they can manage it. It does not need to haunt.