Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

And her ILs ignored her (and her kids) when she had postpartum depression. The wife’s parents are dead and her ILs have shown her they don’t care about her. Of course she doesn’t want to overextend herself to provide care in a situation like this. Especially when the OP’s plan is to overextend their family so his sister doesn’t have to lift a finger. And OP wants her to agree to do this for TWO YEARS!

No, no, no. And hell NO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Paying $40/day and traveling so much just to check on your mother for a few minutes is stupid.

If I were your wife, I would put my foot down too even if you didn’t have siblings to help.

1. Tweak med schedule so your mother can stay until your father comes home. Magnesium supplements are a good idea.

2. Hire a neighbor (retiree, high schooler, college student) to check on your mother. $10/hr.

3. Work on getting your mother in a nursing home. There are waiting lists, so plan now.

OMG. You do NOT pay a high schooler $10/hr to check in on a medically fragile elderly person!

DCUM...where a nanny must have a PHD and be fluent in 5 languages to watch your sleeping child while you and your spouse go on a dinner date---but let any random 16 year old provide medical care for the elderly.

I feel the same about the suggestions to get a neighbor to fill in. I don't know a single person who would agree to this even if paid.

An older person who is alone in there house for 4 hour stretches is not medically fragile. DH can't afford the agency who runs a minimum of 4 hours per visit. Yes a neighbor could stop by briefly and be paid to heat up a meal in the microwave or pull a sandwich out of the frig. A high schooler, certainly a family member is competant of doing this. Early on in alzheimers it is almost like doing a welfare check. Mom is late stage alzheimers and I still would not call her medically fragile.
We've had to use the neighbors at times and we've had to use a college student.

That sweet, helpful HS kid will come over to help heat up soup in the microwave only to find Op's mom taking a dump on the living room couch.

If Dad is asking for help like this things have gotten BAD. This is not something you are going to Nextdoor your way through. Dad needs for his kids to step in and help him decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still say the story doesn’t add up. OP doesn’t even mention coronavirus, you know, the biggest thing in the world right now? He says his children are going to “after school care.” OP is a troll.

Not really. OP is talking caretaking plans for the next two years. Everything is going to reopen this summer (plus he already clarified that they use a nanny for childcare.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

And her ILs ignored her (and her kids) when she had postpartum depression. The wife’s parents are dead and her ILs have shown her they don’t care about her. Of course she doesn’t want to overextend herself to provide care in a situation like this. Especially when the OP’s plan is to overextend their family so his sister doesn’t have to lift a finger. And OP wants her to agree to do this for TWO YEARS!

No, no, no. And hell NO!

She clearly resents the f*** out of Op's family and she is not the person who should be called on to help. We get it. Poor, poor, poooor her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still say the story doesn’t add up. OP doesn’t even mention coronavirus, you know, the biggest thing in the world right now? He says his children are going to “after school care.” OP is a troll.

Not really. OP is talking caretaking plans for the next two years. Everything is going to reopen this summer (plus he already clarified that they use a nanny for childcare.)

Op is hoping to help his dad preserve his full retirement. But the fact is, Dad is going to have to hire some skilled outside assistance - either at home or in a facility.

[Anonymous]

Team wife!

[Anonymous]

No. I have "issues" with spouses, especially spouses in helping professions, who would give their wife/husband a hard time for wanting to help out their own parent during a crisis. What Op's dad is dealing with right now is huge and Op needs to be there for his dad. No one is saying that he has to commit himself to providing long term dementia care for his mom.

What is happening with Op's mom did not happen overnight. She's been sick for awhile and, if Op has any relationship with his parents at all, he knows that something has been wrong with his mom for awhile, so does SIL. It has just now come to a head where their dad can no longer handle this alone. He needs help while he figures things out. I just find Op's wife's attitude disgusting - she appears to have little concern for her in-laws and zero empathy for what Op is going through. It's all about how this inconveniences HER and how SHE doesn't want to get involved and how SHE doesn't want to pay for a sitter. She is absolutely awful and Op shouldn't allow her crappy attitude to dictate his response to his parents' crisis.

I wouldn't have been quite so harsh, but I do agree. Here's the thing. OP's dad has everything handled except a 4 pm visit five days a week. OP's sister has refused to help, both financially, though she will take on two of those days each week. Does that suck? yes. But, maybe that's the best she can do given her circumstances. If she were my sister, this might change how I felt about her if I felt she could do more. But, OP can't fix this. Two days is all he's getting. OP's BIL isn't reliable for the reasons he's said. He can't magically change BIL. A neighbor or caregiver isn't going to work because the reason they need a family member is due to his mom's confusion. So those are out. OP knows his wife can't let go of bad feelings to his family, so he isn't looking at her to help with his mother. All he wants is a few hundred dollars a month to pay a baby sitter so that he can help out his parents.

Yes, this plan might go south and might not work. Long term care might be inevitable. But sometimes people need to try and OP's dad is giving it all he's got. If it doesn't work, they make a new one.

OP's wife is a social worker. She knows what the parental bond means, even as an adult. She is really making an ultimatum. How in the this world does any person put their spouse in this situation - pick my or your ill mother and desperate father in what are likely your mother's last period of life. It is a few hundred dollars a month. It's not like their kids are going to miss a meal or even that they won't be able to join the pool this summer or whatever else they like to do. For the person you love and built a family with, I just don't get this.

OP, I hope you figure out a solution. If it were me, at this point, I would just hire the babysitter and then tell my wife. You are at an impasse and no amount of talking is going to change things. And, then I would be ready for any fallout you expect given that your wife is such a bitter person with no compassion for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

Actually, it’s more like being the family toilet. All the ILs want to dump on OP and his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No. I have "issues" with spouses, especially spouses in helping professions, who would give their wife/husband a hard time for wanting to help out their own parent during a crisis. What Op's dad is dealing with right now is huge and Op needs to be there for his dad. No one is saying that he has to commit himself to providing long term dementia care for his mom.

What is happening with Op's mom did not happen overnight. She's been sick for awhile and, if Op has any relationship with his parents at all, he knows that something has been wrong with his mom for awhile, so does SIL. It has just now come to a head where their dad can no longer handle this alone. He needs help while he figures things out. I just find Op's wife's attitude disgusting - she appears to have little concern for her in-laws and zero empathy for what Op is going through. It's all about how this inconveniences HER and how SHE doesn't want to get involved and how SHE doesn't want to pay for a sitter. She is absolutely awful and Op shouldn't allow her crappy attitude to dictate his response to his parents' crisis.

I wouldn't have been quite so harsh, but I do agree. Here's the thing. OP's dad has everything handled except a 4 pm visit five days a week. OP's sister has refused to help, both financially, though she will take on two of those days each week. Does that suck? yes. But, maybe that's the best she can do given her circumstances. If she were my sister, this might change how I felt about her if I felt she could do more. But, OP can't fix this. Two days is all he's getting. OP's BIL isn't reliable for the reasons he's said. He can't magically change BIL. A neighbor or caregiver isn't going to work because the reason they need a family member is due to his mom's confusion. So those are out. OP knows his wife can't let go of bad feelings to his family, so he isn't looking at her to help with his mother. All he wants is a few hundred dollars a month to pay a baby sitter so that he can help out his parents.

Yes, this plan might go south and might not work. Long term care might be inevitable. But sometimes people need to try and OP's dad is giving it all he's got. If it doesn't work, they make a new one.

OP's wife is a social worker. She knows what the parental bond means, even as an adult. She is really making an ultimatum. How in the this world does any person put their spouse in this situation - pick my or your ill mother and desperate father in what are likely your mother's last period of life. It is a few hundred dollars a month. It's not like their kids are going to miss a meal or even that they won't be able to join the pool this summer or whatever else they like to do. For the person you love and built a family with, I just don't get this.

OP, I hope you figure out a solution. If it were me, at this point, I would just hire the babysitter and then tell my wife. You are at an impasse and no amount of talking is going to change things. And, then I would be ready for any fallout you expect given that your wife is such a bitter person with no compassion for you.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

And her ILs ignored her (and her kids) when she had postpartum depression. The wife’s parents are dead and her ILs have shown her they don’t care about her. Of course she doesn’t want to overextend herself to provide care in a situation like this. Especially when the OP’s plan is to overextend their family so his sister doesn’t have to lift a finger. And OP wants her to agree to do this for TWO YEARS!

No, no, no. And hell NO!

She clearly resents the f*** out of Op's family and she is not the person who should be called on to help. We get it. Poor, poor, poooor her.

Say what? Where’s all this anger coming from? Why is it okay for this woman’s daughter to say “I can’t help.” But somehow the Daughter-in-law is an evil shrew for saying the same?

Project much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

And her ILs ignored her (and her kids) when she had postpartum depression. The wife’s parents are dead and her ILs have shown her they don’t care about her. Of course she doesn’t want to overextend herself to provide care in a situation like this. Especially when the OP’s plan is to overextend their family so his sister doesn’t have to lift a finger. And OP wants her to agree to do this for TWO YEARS!

No, no, no. And hell NO!

She clearly resents the f*** out of Op's family and she is not the person who should be called on to help. We get it. Poor, poor, poooor her.

Say what? Where’s all this anger coming from? Why is it okay for this woman’s daughter to say “I can’t help.” But somehow the Daughter-in-law is an evil shrew for saying the same?

Project much?

The DIL does not have to do a GD thing. She just can't hinder Op from helping his own parents. Once again, it is not about the narcissist DIL.

[Anonymous]

Did everyone on here miss where OP said in his post that his mom becomes "agitated" when she sundowns at 4?

I guarantee you that OP and/or his dad are severely downplaying (or in denial) about this "agitation."

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.