Reply to Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]No. I have "issues" with spouses, especially spouses in helping professions, who would give their wife/husband a hard time for wanting to help out their own parent during a crisis. What Op's dad is dealing with right now is huge and Op needs to be there for his dad. No one is saying that he has to commit himself to providing long term dementia care for his mom.

What is happening with Op's mom did not happen overnight. She's been sick for awhile and, if Op has any relationship with his parents at all, he knows that something has been wrong with his mom for awhile, so does SIL. It has just now come to a head where their dad can no longer handle this alone. He needs help while he figures things out. I just find Op's wife's attitude disgusting - she appears to have little concern for her in-laws and zero empathy for what Op is going through. It's all about how this inconveniences HER and how SHE doesn't want to get involved and how SHE doesn't want to pay for a sitter. She is absolutely awful and Op shouldn't allow her crappy attitude to dictate his response to his parents' crisis.[/quote]

I wouldn't have been quite so harsh, but I do agree.  Here's the thing.  OP's dad has everything handled except a 4 pm visit five days a week.  OP's sister has refused to help, both financially, though she will take on two of those days each week.  Does that suck?  yes.  But, maybe that's the best she can do given her circumstances.  If she were my sister, this might change how I felt about her if I felt she could do more.  But, OP can't fix this.  Two days is all he's getting.  OP's BIL isn't reliable for the reasons he's said.  He can't magically change BIL.  A neighbor or caregiver isn't going to work because the reason they need a family member is due to his mom's confusion.  So those are out.  OP knows his wife can't let go of bad feelings to his family, so he isn't looking at her to help with his mother.  All he wants is a few hundred dollars a month to pay a baby sitter so that he can help out his parents.

Yes, this plan might go south and might not work.  Long term care might be inevitable.  But sometimes people need to try and OP's dad is giving it all he's got.  If it doesn't work, they make a new one.

OP's wife is a social worker.  She knows what the parental bond means, even as an adult.  She is really making an ultimatum.  How in the this world does any person put their spouse in this situation - pick my or your ill mother and desperate father in what are likely your mother's last period of life.  It is a few hundred dollars a month.  It's not like their kids are going to miss a meal or even that they won't be able to join the pool this summer or whatever else they like to do.  For the person you love and built a family with, I just don't get this.

OP, I hope you figure out a solution.  If it were me, at this point, I would just hire the babysitter and then tell my wife.  You are at an impasse and no amount of talking is going to change things.  And, then I would be ready for any fallout you expect given that your wife is such a bitter person with no compassion for you.  [/quote]

+1000[/quote]

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