Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

That’s ridiculous. Most healthy functioning families put the children’s needs first.

Exactly. And the whole narrative about moms "not putting the relationship first" is inevitably really a story about an exhausted mom and a dad who exploits her labor. It's pretty hard to "put the relationship first" when you have no time for anything other than keeping your head above water. It's also curious how on top of everything frickin' else moms are supposed to do, they are ALSO supposed to take the lead in "putting the relationship first!"

[Anonymous]

Sometimes in life you have to support family when you
would rather be doing something else. It is an important lesson for the son to learn. Otherwise OP is teaching son that it is all about me. It is hard to believe that Dad would not want to be with his son at a truly national tournament. Most Dads would bring their fiance down to support the son. I don't know any male that would not support his son at a truly national tournament.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of what happens with the schedule, this dad and fiancée are garbage people and the child will soon want nothing to do with either of them. Poor kid-my children are disappointed when their dad can’t make just one of their games or events. I can’t imagine being divorced and the dad preferring to spend time with his new girlfriend over attending their events...20 times!!! That is so sad. What a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes in life you have to support family when you
would rather be doing something else. It is an important lesson for the son to learn. Otherwise OP is teaching son that it is all about me. It is hard to believe that Dad would not want to be with his son at a truly national tournament. Most Dads would bring their fiance down to support the son. I don't know any male that would not support his son at a truly national tournament.

Agree, the dad should put the child’s interests above having a second wedding on any particular date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

If the FATHER cared so much, he could have showed up for the past few years, and could have taken steps not to deliberately create this conflict for his child. What kind of ADULT does that to a child?

First of all, I don't consider OP to be a reliable narrator here. She lied in her first post that this was some sort of dilemma and that she couldn't decide when, in fact, she already knew what she wanted to do and was seeking validation. When that was not really forthcoming, she continued to contort herself by badmouthing both her ex and his fiancée, who she claims to not know. So, that's a polite way of saying OP is basically a lying liar who lies and has an axe to grind.

If, in fact, this child is playing sports at some actual elite level, like junior Olympics or whatever, that's one thing. But if he's like the thousands of kids in this area playing "club" or "travel" sports where obscene amounts of time are spent practicing during the week and tournaments/games every weekend year-round, I'm quite certain that has created a conflict with father's custody time. So at that point, he had a choice: Either forbid it, give up the time so kid can go play sportsball every weekend, or suck it up. You can argue he should have sucked it up and spent his weekends on the sidelines. But it's also valid for an adult to have a life of his own. So, maybe, just maybe, he yielded on the sport during these last two years in which OP seems obsessed with preparing her prodigy son (ha) for a POSSIBLE spot on a team that MIGHT go to a national championship MONTHS from now. But she doesn't get to monopolize kid's time with this sport and then whine that he was checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

That’s ridiculous. Most healthy functioning families put the children’s needs first.

Exactly. And the whole narrative about moms "not putting the relationship first" is inevitably really a story about an exhausted mom and a dad who exploits her labor. It's pretty hard to "put the relationship first" when you have no time for anything other than keeping your head above water. It's also curious how on top of everything frickin' else moms are supposed to do, they are ALSO supposed to take the lead in "putting the relationship first!"

Soooooo true. All the good dads and moms I know put their kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of what happens with the schedule, this dad and fiancée are garbage people and the child will soon want nothing to do with either of them. Poor kid-my children are disappointed when their dad can’t make just one of their games or events. I can’t imagine being divorced and the dad preferring to spend time with his new girlfriend over attending their events...20 times!!! That is so sad. What a loser.

People subjecting their children to sports in pursuit of a scholarship do not have "events" or games that last an hour. They consume entire weekends. Some people enjoy that week in and week out. Many do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes in life you have to support family when you
would rather be doing something else. It is an important lesson for the son to learn. Otherwise OP is teaching son that it is all about me. It is hard to believe that Dad would not want to be with his son at a truly national tournament. Most Dads would bring their fiance down to support the son. I don't know any male that would not support his son at a truly national tournament.

This equally applies to grown-ups ... who should not thoughtlessly or deliberately create conflicts, like the X and fiance did here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

If the FATHER cared so much, he could have showed up for the past few years, and could have taken steps not to deliberately create this conflict for his child. What kind of ADULT does that to a child?

First of all, I don't consider OP to be a reliable narrator here. She lied in her first post that this was some sort of dilemma and that she couldn't decide when, in fact, she already knew what she wanted to do and was seeking validation. When that was not really forthcoming, she continued to contort herself by badmouthing both her ex and his fiancée, who she claims to not know. So, that's a polite way of saying OP is basically a lying liar who lies and has an axe to grind.

If, in fact, this child is playing sports at some actual elite level, like junior Olympics or whatever, that's one thing. But if he's like the thousands of kids in this area playing "club" or "travel" sports where obscene amounts of time are spent practicing during the week and tournaments/games every weekend year-round, I'm quite certain that has created a conflict with father's custody time. So at that point, he had a choice: Either forbid it, give up the time so kid can go play sportsball every weekend, or suck it up. You can argue he should have sucked it up and spent his weekends on the sidelines. But it's also valid for an adult to have a life of his own. So, maybe, just maybe, he yielded on the sport during these last two years in which OP seems obsessed with preparing her prodigy son (ha) for a POSSIBLE spot on a team that MIGHT go to a national championship MONTHS from now. But she doesn't get to monopolize kid's time with this sport and then whine that he was checked out.

Once you decide to have a child, you give up your right to relaxing weekends doing as you choose, at least for 18 years. There is no excuse for missing 20 weekends of your parenting responsibilities. A normal parent wants to attend their child’s activities. This dad sounds totally checked out and it is crazy that people keep trying to imagine excuses for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

That’s ridiculous. Most healthy functioning families put the children’s needs first.

Exactly. And the whole narrative about moms "not putting the relationship first" is inevitably really a story about an exhausted mom and a dad who exploits her labor. It's pretty hard to "put the relationship first" when you have no time for anything other than keeping your head above water. It's also curious how on top of everything frickin' else moms are supposed to do, they are ALSO supposed to take the lead in "putting the relationship first!"

Soooooo true. All the good dads and moms I know put their kids first.

The healthiest families put the parental relationship first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes in life you have to support family when you
would rather be doing something else. It is an important lesson for the son to learn. Otherwise OP is teaching son that it is all about me. It is hard to believe that Dad would not want to be with his son at a truly national tournament. Most Dads would bring their fiance down to support the son. I don't know any male that would not support his son at a truly national tournament.

It’s a lesson the father never learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

If the FATHER cared so much, he could have showed up for the past few years, and could have taken steps not to deliberately create this conflict for his child. What kind of ADULT does that to a child?

First of all, I don't consider OP to be a reliable narrator here. She lied in her first post that this was some sort of dilemma and that she couldn't decide when, in fact, she already knew what she wanted to do and was seeking validation. When that was not really forthcoming, she continued to contort herself by badmouthing both her ex and his fiancée, who she claims to not know. So, that's a polite way of saying OP is basically a lying liar who lies and has an axe to grind.

If, in fact, this child is playing sports at some actual elite level, like junior Olympics or whatever, that's one thing. But if he's like the thousands of kids in this area playing "club" or "travel" sports where obscene amounts of time are spent practicing during the week and tournaments/games every weekend year-round, I'm quite certain that has created a conflict with father's custody time. So at that point, he had a choice: Either forbid it, give up the time so kid can go play sportsball every weekend, or suck it up. You can argue he should have sucked it up and spent his weekends on the sidelines. But it's also valid for an adult to have a life of his own. So, maybe, just maybe, he yielded on the sport during these last two years in which OP seems obsessed with preparing her prodigy son (ha) for a POSSIBLE spot on a team that MIGHT go to a national championship MONTHS from now. But she doesn't get to monopolize kid's time with this sport and then whine that he was checked out.

Wow, you must have read an entirely different thread than I did. I'm gonna go ahead and venture that you are the one projecting here based on your schema of moms/women being dumb liars, and women being evil beings who just want to thwart father's rights.

[Anonymous]

Support son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

+1 Follow YOUR SON's lead

My dad's then-fiancee scheduled their wedding during a period that they knew I was going to be overseas for a month living with a host family. Long planned trip for me.
They then made me shortchange my trip to attend the wedding.

Fast forward a couple of years. New wife gets pregnant. Second family begins.
Kids of former marriage, my siblings and me, become simply that.
In less than 7 years, dad's new family completely estranged from all three of his kids, and it remains that way today, decades later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

That’s ridiculous. Most healthy functioning families put the children’s needs first.

Exactly. And the whole narrative about moms "not putting the relationship first" is inevitably really a story about an exhausted mom and a dad who exploits her labor. It's pretty hard to "put the relationship first" when you have no time for anything other than keeping your head above water. It's also curious how on top of everything frickin' else moms are supposed to do, they are ALSO supposed to take the lead in "putting the relationship first!"

Soooooo true. All the good dads and moms I know put their kids first.

The healthiest families put the parental relationship first.

And what does that look like? It looks like parents who participate equally in the work of raising a family, first and foremost. This also goes for coparents after separation/divorce -- the healthiest coparents put the work of raising the child first. People who say "put the parental relationship first" give me the heebie jeebies, visions of socialite parents leaving the child home with babysitters 6 nights a week while they go out to dinner.