I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe OP and her husband were trying to do something selfless and kind and they are being made out as the bad guys who did the wrong thing.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, the truth is you can't do this. your SIL is unwell. She is rightfully angry, hurt, depressed, etc. But she is not going to be able to handle this emotionally. And it would not be good for her, but more importantly you need to take care of yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey there-- Sorry for jumping in here BUT this is Candace from Our Misconception.
I saw the post, and the link post: The amount of bitterness and jealousy this woman felt while her surrogate was carrying her child is amazing. I don't think this is entirely uncommon.

I thought, man maybe this person has not read the full blog. OR perhaps he or she has? Here is my two cents- You are right it is not entirely uncommon. After a cancer scare, a hysterectomy and sprinkle in far too may IVFs. I look at my daughter who was born through the gift of surrogacy and I thank God, I thank my surrogate and I honor my struggle. You see yeah, I'm bitter at that fact I couldn't carry my child. I'll never know what a kick from within feels like, or have my husband touch my belly or have that chance to have a second child with out clearing out my savings account. BUT....I have a child now because someone selflessly offered to carry for me. That I will never ever forget or dishonor. MY SURROGATE IS AMAZING.

So I am not saying your SIL is right or wrong. I am saying she has a right to mourn the fact she has a disease that has robbed her of being a mother. It happens to 1 in 8 couples and there is very little coverage both for treatment and for adoption. (IVF is 12-20k, adoption is 25-60k) so infertility sucks. Also, Surrogacy is illegal in many states. So that sucks too. She may not understand your shoes you walk in and the reverse maybe the same for her.

I say, when you see that woman who may decline a baby shower invite, she may have just lost her baby. Or if you have a relative that cant share your joy of a pregnancy announcement, she may have just cleared out her 401k for an IVF treatment or adoption that fell through or did not work. Everyone has a story. It is up to them and the folks around them to support that struggle and decide on how they will resolve their infertility.

Hey Candace if that is really you, how do you feel about OP and her DH being made out to be villains here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should have never, ever offered this without speaking to her privately about it first. God, I would hate you for that. You've now driven a wedge in her marriage by inserting yourself. I have a child, but to offer this without talking to her privately, instead in front of the brothers sounds like you needed to be the hero in front of the men.

Maybe she has bitchy psycho demands but you should have asked privately first.

Or include them in a decision that involves their wives and marriages and children. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know what to say except:

1. She does not appear to be in a position to be a good mother
2. She does not appear to be in a marriage stable enough to bring a child into
3. She does not appear to be stable enough to handle having you as a surrogate

You need to back out,
No guilt.
This is not about you, she is obviously struggling and needs help

Totally - she is CRAZY!!! Sounds EXTREMELY controlling - she shouldn't be a mother, this is gods way of saying no not happenin'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks?

Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness.

This sums it up perfectly. How ungrateful and narcissistic.

Stop with the labeling everyone narcissistic. She's not a narcissist. She's doing a very bad job dealing with her grief and infertility.

Because she's a narcissist.

She told OP that OP should only have 4 kids because having more hurt her feelings. SIL is a narcissist. "Fuck you, nieces/nephews! I wish your mother had aborted you because your existene hurst my feelings."

That's a diagnosis you're not qualified to make. Most people in extreme pain behave like narcissists. That doesn't mean they are. I agree her behavior is crazy. But other than concluding that this surrogacy is a terrible idea and this woman is coping terribly, I wouldn't judge.

Because they are narcissists. Extreme pain brings out people's true colors. When someone is under pressure, they show you who they really are. This is who SIL really is. A nasty, bitter, narcissistic woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation. Loaning huge amounts of cash for IVF and offering surrogacy, I mean it just seems over the top to me.

I would do the same for my sister if I could. I would want to help in anyway possible. You have no right to judge.

In my experience you have to be careful with things like infertility. I had a co-worker go through IVF who was horrible the entire time to everyone in the office. It's a sensitive topic which is why Op needs to step back and be cautious about inserting herself (along with her DH) in the future.

So many generalizations. I did IVF and was completely normal to everyone in my office. But I'm amazed at the lack of compassion people have for a woman who lost a full term baby. Good lord. If be crazy for a while too if I went through what she's gone through.

She has a chance at having a healthy baby without going into insurmountable debt and she is shitting all over it. I'm amazed at people putting the blame on OP.

Oh I'm not blaming OP. She was trying to help. But let's stop saying stupid shit like infertility is god's way of not letting this woman be a mother. How stupid and hateful. Who kicks someone who's that far down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks?

Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness.

This sums it up perfectly. How ungrateful and narcissistic.

Stop with the labeling everyone narcissistic. She's not a narcissist. She's doing a very bad job dealing with her grief and infertility.

Because she's a narcissist.

She told OP that OP should only have 4 kids because having more hurt her feelings. SIL is a narcissist. "Fuck you, nieces/nephews! I wish your mother had aborted you because your existene hurst my feelings."

That's a diagnosis you're not qualified to make. Most people in extreme pain behave like narcissists. That doesn't mean they are. I agree her behavior is crazy. But other than concluding that this surrogacy is a terrible idea and this woman is coping terribly, I wouldn't judge.

Because they are narcissists. Extreme pain brings out people's true colors. When someone is under pressure, they show you who they really are. This is who SIL really is. A nasty, bitter, narcissistic woman.

Oh you're just silly. If you have a knife sticking out of your leg, you're going to act self involved and unconcerned with others. Not because you are a narcissist. Please stop talking about things you don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know what to say except:

1. She does not appear to be in a position to be a good mother
2. She does not appear to be in a marriage stable enough to bring a child into
3. She does not appear to be stable enough to handle having you as a surrogate

You need to back out,
No guilt.
This is not about you, she is obviously struggling and needs help

Totally - she is CRAZY!!! Sounds EXTREMELY controlling - she shouldn't be a mother, this is gods way of saying no not happenin'.

Oh good. The "infertility is god's judgment on unfit mothers" crazy. How Christlike.

[Anonymous]

OP,


I don't know if you're still reading, but if your SIL is posting that you will become pregnant for her on social media, then that it 100% a set-up and you need to act quickly to nip it in the bud. I would be beyond annoyed with her. As other people have stated, her case is not uncommon and does not excuse her crass behavior.

The easiest way would be for DH to tell his brother that this is over. The brothers can tell each other things that you would not be able to tell your SIL without majoy pain on both sides. For example, BIL would probably understand that his wife is acting like a madwoman, and that this is the main reason why you had to decline. DH can infer this diplomatically. Or not, and just stick with the basics. Either way, considering the way his wife is acting, BIL will get it.

Good luck, OP. You did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

She sounds nuts. She would be a bad mother.


You should not do this: it will make you miserable; it will not make her happy; it will condemn your unborn child to a very difficult life.

[Anonymous]

OP, this already looks very ugly and it seems it will get uglier if you continue to be involved with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know what to say except:

1. She does not appear to be in a position to be a good mother
2. She does not appear to be in a marriage stable enough to bring a child into
3. She does not appear to be stable enough to handle having you as a surrogate

You need to back out,
No guilt.
This is not about you, she is obviously struggling and needs help

Totally - she is CRAZY!!! Sounds EXTREMELY controlling - she shouldn't be a mother, this is gods way of saying no not happenin'.

Oh good. The "infertility is god's judgment on unfit mothers" crazy. How Christlike.

+1. This particular line is so overplayed. You certainly don't see people telling those who suffer from other diseases that it's God's way of "thinning the herd".

OP, you are caught in a lose-lose situation. I'm so sorry. Clearly your heart was in the right place.

[Anonymous]

No good deed goes unpunished. So true on DCUM.

If you are still reading, OP (and I wouldn't blame you if you aren't -- so many nasty voices and uncalled-for comments here on DCUM always!), I want you to know that I completely understand your sorrow. You've tried to do a wonderful, generous and loving thing for your family members whom you obviously love, and you were hit by a wave of anger that came absolutely out of the blue.

Now, you're probably going to lose a close relationship, you might get blamed for your BIL's and SIL's divorce, your DH is going to be angry and upset because his brother is upset, all because you tried to do something so loving and generous to help out someone who is obviously in severe pain.

I'm sure you know you can't put the genie back in the bottle, OP, so the question is how to proceed from here. Obviously, you can't be a surrogate for this couple. Your SIL will not be approved for surrogacy, in any case.

What would bother me intensely is SIL's comment about you having four kids to spite her, etc. I have a very jealous, angry SIL who was furious at me for having kids when she was going through infertility issues. The amount of anger thrown at me was uncalled for and insane, and I was flabbergasted and taken totally by surprise when it happened. And I never offered to be a surrogate, I just happened to have some kids.

So, I understand, a little bit, what you're going through. Sadly, I don't think your situation will ever be remedied. You are going to have to accept that your incredibly generous act will likely result in a permanent rift in your family, and that you might get blamed for it. It's a lose-lose situation, and you have done nothing wrong. (Please, ignore the nasty, blaming posters. They are sad and immature, don't reply to their rants.)

Back far, far away from this mess, OP. Let your DH take over from here, telling your BIL that the surrogacy is not happening. But don't go into explanations. You'll lose even more if you engage, so just walk away.

When school is out, take your family on a long vacation far, far away. Turn off your phone. Don't respond to any questions. Leave it all behind. Disengage, disengage.

Best of luck to you and lots of hugs. You'll get through this. So sorry your generous act has caused you so much pain.

[Anonymous]

The Constitution guarantees the pursuit of happiness. It does not guarantee happiness. The SIL is nuts and it would be a tragedy to inflict a child with her for a mother.