SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

Also, my husband doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner. We discussed this a lot, because it would stress me out a lot if I had that responsibility. But he said he doesn't think it is much different from when I worked. We have plenty of emergency savings/investments and he made multiples of what I made, so it would have been a big change if he lost his job whether I had my job or not. Obviously this is very specific to the couple.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM. I was WOHM and hated not being there for my kids. So I quit! I am very happy now and I also have my own money. I do have it easier than many WOHMs who put in a full day of work at office and come back home and cook and clean. I also have it easier than those SAHMs that do everything at home (out of love or out of necessity) because they see it as their job description.

I am stay at home mom - not stay at home maid --- so I have maid service. DH likes to cook so I let him. we eat out a lot as well as order in a lot during the week. laundry is collaborative effort. I pick up and drop off my kids, to and from school. I make sure that my kids do their homework and academics, I am there when they are doing their sports and other activities. In short - I am home to take care of the kids needs, I am not a domestic diva - though I do host a lot.

I own it. I am not as hard working as many women on this forum - and I do not feel bad or apologetic about my lot in life.


I do not worry about DH leaving me because that will never happen. I do worry about my family's health. Otherwise I am well taken care of financially.

What about you, OP?

I read your question and felt really sad for you.

Why are you so confident your DH won't leave you?

I have qualities that he wants in a wife, he had qualities that I want in a husband. Neither of us settled because of age, lack of education, lack of self confidence, financial reasons, wanting to have children, loneliness - the reasons many people marry. If you are willing to be single if you do not find the right partner, and if you take your time in your relationship to get married, and if you don't disregard the warning signs, and if your core morals and principles are the same - your chances to find a lifelong partner is very high.

We have survived many ups and downs for nearly 30 years, we are more connected than before, we still find each other very attractive, out home is our sanctuary and not a battle ground, we are a very close knit family, we have amazing kids and we are devoted parents, I am confident that this marriage will endure.

Lack of money, unequal libido, infidelity, inequality has never been an issue with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Oh - he also tries to exercise most days during work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

Well, a few SAHD would disagree with you...

https://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/stay-at-home-dad-apologizes-for-underestimating-the-job-170230584.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

Also, my husband doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner. We discussed this a lot, because it would stress me out a lot if I had that responsibility. But he said he doesn't think it is much different from when I worked. We have plenty of emergency savings/investments and he made multiples of what I made, so it would have been a big change if he lost his job whether I had my job or not. Obviously this is very specific to the couple.

I agree. When I was working (same hours like my DH) for a fraction of what he was making life was much harder for both of us.

Now that I SAHM, it is like he is paying me not to work so he has less of childcare duties. My DH is a very devoted dad and he likes to spend his weekends doing things with the kids as a family. At the same time,he really wants the kids to excel in school and extra-curricular activities - so he wanted me to be supervising the kids. I make sure that they were getting enrichment at home. they were participating in sports and EC activities, they are eating nutritious well balanced, delicious food, they have time to relax and socialize extensively with family and friends. When he is off work - he does not have to worry about how the kids are doing at school etc - because that is all taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

Also, my husband doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner. We discussed this a lot, because it would stress me out a lot if I had that responsibility. But he said he doesn't think it is much different from when I worked. We have plenty of emergency savings/investments and he made multiples of what I made, so it would have been a big change if he lost his job whether I had my job or not. Obviously this is very specific to the couple.

I agree. When I was working (same hours like my DH) for a fraction of what he was making life was much harder for both of us.

Now that I SAHM, it is like he is paying me not to work so he has less of childcare duties. My DH is a very devoted dad and he likes to spend his weekends doing things with the kids as a family. At the same time,he really wants the kids to excel in school and extra-curricular activities - so he wanted me to be supervising the kids. I make sure that they were getting enrichment at home. they were participating in sports and EC activities, they are eating nutritious well balanced, delicious food, they have time to relax and socialize extensively with family and friends. When he is off work - he does not have to worry about how the kids are doing at school etc - because that is all taken care of.

You actually live in a partnership where you feel like your husband pays you to make his life easier? Just, wow. What a wonderful role model for girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

Also, my husband doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner. We discussed this a lot, because it would stress me out a lot if I had that responsibility. But he said he doesn't think it is much different from when I worked. We have plenty of emergency savings/investments and he made multiples of what I made, so it would have been a big change if he lost his job whether I had my job or not. Obviously this is very specific to the couple.

I agree. When I was working (same hours like my DH) for a fraction of what he was making life was much harder for both of us.

Now that I SAHM, it is like he is paying me not to work so he has less of childcare duties. My DH is a very devoted dad and he likes to spend his weekends doing things with the kids as a family. At the same time,he really wants the kids to excel in school and extra-curricular activities - so he wanted me to be supervising the kids. I make sure that they were getting enrichment at home. they were participating in sports and EC activities, they are eating nutritious well balanced, delicious food, they have time to relax and socialize extensively with family and friends. When he is off work - he does not have to worry about how the kids are doing at school etc - because that is all taken care of.

You actually live in a partnership where you feel like your husband pays you to make his life easier? Just, wow. What a wonderful role model for girls.

Whatever... you can interpret it the way you want. My kids are doing well. My DH and I are doing well. I am thinking all the negativity comes from people who do not have the means to SAHM without making considerable financial sacrifices. Considering that I control the family finances and I have money of my own, I don't need my DH to pay me anything. But yes, he would gladly pay me not to work, so that the kids can have my support at all times.

BTW - what I provide to the kids in terms of time and support - it would be extremely costly for him to replace me with an outside person who had my qualifications, to take care of the kids needs and what he wants for the kids, if he could find one in the first place. A SAHM with advanced degrees is not going to have the same interaction with her kids as a nanny with very basic education. In any case, this is my opinion and this is the situation that works for me. I do not know what your situation at home is and I do not even care to know. Obviously, you are feeling jealous so you are trying to diminish it to feel good about your own pathetic life.

[Anonymous]

Husbands who make a lot of money do not care about being the sole breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always surprised how much confidence women who have quit work have that their husbands are really going to stay married to them. With the divorce rate around 50%, I'd have to be a total lunatic to make myself so dependent on him. SAHMs, do you ever have doubts or anxiety about this?

If I had any doubts I would have stayed in the workforce. I think there is a bit of self selection (not 100% mind you) that women in known rocky marriages do not sah. At least that has been my anecdotal experience. It doesn't mean that there are no divorces in a sah/woh marriage- I have just seen fewer of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

Also, my husband doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner. We discussed this a lot, because it would stress me out a lot if I had that responsibility. But he said he doesn't think it is much different from when I worked. We have plenty of emergency savings/investments and he made multiples of what I made, so it would have been a big change if he lost his job whether I had my job or not. Obviously this is very specific to the couple.

I agree. When I was working (same hours like my DH) for a fraction of what he was making life was much harder for both of us.

Now that I SAHM, it is like he is paying me not to work so he has less of childcare duties. My DH is a very devoted dad and he likes to spend his weekends doing things with the kids as a family. At the same time,he really wants the kids to excel in school and extra-curricular activities - so he wanted me to be supervising the kids. I make sure that they were getting enrichment at home. they were participating in sports and EC activities, they are eating nutritious well balanced, delicious food, they have time to relax and socialize extensively with family and friends. When he is off work - he does not have to worry about how the kids are doing at school etc - because that is all taken care of.

You actually live in a partnership where you feel like your husband pays you to make his life easier? Just, wow. What a wonderful role model for girls.

NP here. When I decided to SAH for a couple of years I told my kids (ES age) that I am doing it because I love them so much, and some things mean more than having extra money. I told them that I wanted to be here for them when they come home from school, help with HW, give them healthy snacks, and hear about their day without being distracted by work (I was constantly checking email at home when I was a WOHM). So, I hope that I am showing my kids, boy and girl, that being a caring parent is more important than having extra money, that my career satisfaction is not more important than they are -- I am being this kind of role model. They have seen me work; they have been to my work. They know that I can do both - be WOHM and SAHM.

I know for a lot of families a second income is not "extra" money, but a necessity. We moved and down-graded our lifestyle so that I could provide these things to my kids while they are young and impressionable. I now work PT. I'm so lucky to have found this. But being a good role model to girls is more than just showing them that you can work and earn your own living. It's also showing both boys and girls what is really important in life. It's about balance.

WOHM are not necessarily great role models if they are too busy, tired, distracted to really listen to their kids and know what is going on in their lives.

I think it's sad that you see one parent "paying" another parent to be a parent to both their kids. It's a marriage, family, not a corporation or law partnership. How sad.