SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Working 12-14hours a day, when does you DH see the kids and have the chance to play a significant role in their lives?

At best we are talking 7-7 here. What does he look like? He's got to be so incredibly out of shape with that lifestyle. He sounds like an ATM, not a father. Maybe he likes the escape.

No wonder you don't work! Those poor kids would have nobody.

You sound so lovely and non-judgmental

His job is different than most. He works some really long days, but then gets a lot of time off/vacation time. He sees our kids plenty. They adore him and he adores them. He looks great and is in good shape. He exercises a lot. What do you think he is trying to escape? He has a big responsibility to his patients, so no, he doesn't just leave them at 5 pm to come home to throw in a load of laundry. But he does make time for his family. He is a great father and husband. We love him a lot and he loves us. He does make a lot of money but we would never think of him as an ATM. Why is it so hard to imagine that people have made different choices from you and are happy?

Just wondering how someone working 12-14 hours a day, spending his free time on the internet, and sleeping has any time for their family. It is simple arithmetic.

Sounds like a really fun, but distracted uncle. Cool life though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Working 12-14hours a day, when does you DH see the kids and have the chance to play a significant role in their lives?

At best we are talking 7-7 here. What does he look like? He's got to be so incredibly out of shape with that lifestyle. He sounds like an ATM, not a father. Maybe he likes the escape.

No wonder you don't work! Those poor kids would have nobody.

You sound so lovely and non-judgmental

His job is different than most. He works some really long days, but then gets a lot of time off/vacation time. He sees our kids plenty. They adore him and he adores them. He looks great and is in good shape. He exercises a lot. What do you think he is trying to escape? He has a big responsibility to his patients, so no, he doesn't just leave them at 5 pm to come home to throw in a load of laundry. But he does make time for his family. He is a great father and husband. We love him a lot and he loves us. He does make a lot of money but we would never think of him as an ATM. Why is it so hard to imagine that people have made different choices from you and are happy?

Just wondering how someone working 12-14 hours a day, spending his free time on the internet, and sleeping has any time for their family. It is simple arithmetic.

Sounds like a really fun, but distracted uncle. Cool life though!

You just sound kind of hateful and mean.

[Anonymous]

^^sorry, just a bit of common sense.

[Anonymous]

So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?

LOL

I remember going to Target on my day off and the stay at home mom crew gave me dirty looks like I didn't belong. All of them in yoga pants, hat, workout shirt and holding something from Starbucks while 'shopping'. What a pathetic existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?

I found mine at Harvard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but the man is right. You're a SAHM when your kids are little. When they're in school you're a housewife. Sorry, it's not politically correct, but it's true. I know lots of women who essentially go to the gym all day. Many of their husbands chip in as much or more than mine. I don't think it matters as long as the people in the relationship are happy, but own it, people. Just admit you work out all day. Don't give other people the power to act like it's not enough if it works for you.

That said, keep some money handy in case you need it.....even if your marriage stays in tact!

Schedule of this "housewife" with five children. Morning begins at 6:45 a.m. Wake up the children, make breakfast, make sure everyone is showered, brushed, dressed appropriately, and completely packed for the day ahead. Leave the house by 7:30 a.m. Drive the children to drop-offs at three different stops and schools, the last drop-off being at 8:30 a.m. Try to circle back home to hit the gym from 9:00-10:00 a.m. Run any necessary errands for the family from 10:00-11:00 a.m., this may include stops at the grocery store, stops at dry cleaner, purchase any supplies the household needs, mail runs. Return home and organize and clean the house from 11:00-1:00 p.m. (we do not have a nanny), this includes making the beds, unloading the previous night's dishes, loading the morning dishes, picking up dirty laundry and starting a new cycle, folding and putting away the previous night's laundry, running the vacuum throughout the dirtiest areas of the house, cycling through one bedroom and one bathroom a day for a deeper cleaning. At 1:00 p.m. I eat lunch, and begin prepping and making the night's dinner. I try to shower by 1:50 p.m., so I can be out the door again by 2:10 p.m. at the latest for my first after-school pick-up at 2:30 p.m. From that point until approximately 8:00 p.m. I am constantly driving one or the other of our five children to one activity or another. DH gets home by 8:30 p.m., and we all eat dinner together. Dishes are done and loaded for the next day by 9:15 p.m., and the children are in bed or in their rooms studying for the night by 9:30 p.m. DH and I go out for a walk rain or shine until 10:00 p.m., generally followed by some great sex, and then some reading in bed. Lights out by 11:00 p.m. We have been married 19 years, and together for 22. I love my DH, I love our children, and I would not trade my days for any other .

Most American SAHMs are more like the poster above, they are some version of a glorified nanny, maid, cook, chauffeur, laundress, tutor, personal assistant, and escort rolled into one exhausted woman (or man). The gym bunnies toting Starbucks and shopping all day which you so persistently charicature repeatedly in your many previous postings above are a very small and privileged sliver of the American SAHM. Perhaps you live a sheltered and provincial life surrounded only by the very wealthiest Americans if you think that the average American SAHM lives a life of leisure straight out of the pages of Town & Country. To those SAHMs who do live that life, good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?

LOL

I remember going to Target on my day off and the stay at home mom crew gave me dirty looks like I didn't belong. All of them in yoga pants, hat, workout shirt and holding something from Starbucks while 'shopping'. What a pathetic existence.

I'm sure they did, you paranoid narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husbands who make a lot of money do not care about being the sole breadwinner.

I don't have a dog in this fight (done both) and don't like that it is a fight anyhow, but wow, this is totally not true. It is possible your spouse hides his stress from you, but to say that they don't care is just wrong. Someone -- maybe not you -- knows about his stress about breadwinning.

I would never sign up to be a breadwinner. The stress I've seen seems off the charts to me.

+1. My boss had a very lucrative career, making well north of what even people around here consider to be "rich." But he complained often that being the sole breadwinner was very stressful, and seemed to resent being the only one who felt responsible for their financial well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husbands who make a lot of money do not care about being the sole breadwinner.

I don't have a dog in this fight (done both) and don't like that it is a fight anyhow, but wow, this is totally not true. It is possible your spouse hides his stress from you, but to say that they don't care is just wrong. Someone -- maybe not you -- knows about his stress about breadwinning.

I would never sign up to be a breadwinner. The stress I've seen seems off the charts to me.

+1. My boss had a very lucrative career, making well north of what even people around here consider to be "rich." But he complained often that being the sole breadwinner was very stressful, and seemed to resent being the only one who felt responsible for their financial well being.

Some people handle things better than others

[Anonymous]

True, but I also think a lot of people, either deliberately or not, don't see the stress their breadwinning spouses are under.

[Anonymous]

I feel for men or women who feel enormous stress at being the sole breadwinner. I don't think it's universal, though, and it's hardly fair to blame the SAH spouse if these stressed-out earners aren't sharing their concerns. My husband remarks pretty often at how much easier and more convenient his life is since I'm at home. I am sensitive to his work stress, but almost all of it comes from sources that would be the same whether I worked or not (i.e., a particular matter that would be his responsibility regardless, not general job security). He and I had numerous conversations about me staying at home before we made the decision, and I still check in about it. All I can know is what I observe and what he tells me, but trust DCUM to know better that he is secretly miserable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:True, but I also think a lot of people, either deliberately or not, don't see the stress their breadwinning spouses are under.

My DH is a stand up guy and I was a SAHM for many years. He never ONCE complained. He went to work faithfully each day, worked long hours, and brought home a nice paycheck.

I returned to work after a few years, because I no longer had toddlers in the house and found that I wanted more. I really noticed a change in my DH after I returned to work...he was more relaxed and started coming home earlier. I realized that my DH was relieved, but only admitted it after I said something. He stopped the long hours because he knew there was a back-up plan and no longer felt the pressure to keep at a grinding pace.

The change in his ability to participate in the kids lives was something I never even anticipated. He used to come home at 7/8 at night on a regular basis and gradually moved back into a normal 40 hour work week. It did not in the least impact his career or earnings. I think he just gave himself permission to have a family life since everyone was not relying on his paycheck. He could have NEVER EVER coached a sports team or been a den leader had he kept up those hours. My DH has really stepped up his game and has made up for a lot of lost time. He is that guy who is coaching and at every school function. My kids glow with pride having their dad around. These years are so short and the gift of time is the most wonderful you can give a child.

Though I enjoyed my years at home with the kids, but I feel sad that my DH did not feel like he had the chance to have the same level of enjoyment until I returned to work. I did not even realize this when I was at home. I just thought his job was demanding, not that he felt compelled to put in crazy hours to make sure he kept his job and was able to provide.

[Anonymous]

I feel for the idiots who think every relationship and every family dynamic is the same across the board. Just cause John is an asshole who doesn't appreciate/understand what Jenny does as a SAHM doesn't mean all men are like that. Just cause Sally is an asshole who doesn't appreciate/understand what Steve deals with as a sole bread winner doesn't mean all women are like that.
WTF is with you people and broad assumptions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So where do I find these men who have no problem with my staying at home to go to the gym, I mean, "focus on the kids," while outsourcing all the housewife duties?

Go to a retirement community and find the nastiest woman you can... It's her son.

And they wonder why the hate their MIL.