SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

I am a longtime married SAHM to several children. I have been out of the workforce for more than a decade, leaving a lucrative, high-paying career track (more than $250K). There is no doubt that my being at home has eased DH's ability to focus on his work, and achieve a high measure of success without having to worry about the day-to-day issues and logistics of child care, or the more menial tasks of keeping the house. I have assumed most of that work for myself, and have coordinated two international moves for the family as DH's career has progressed. DH has undoubtedly benefitted from my support, flexibility, love and help, and currently earns $2MM+/ year. We have been married 20+ years. I love my DH and treasure most moments I have gotten to spend with our kids over these many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

Also, my husband doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner. We discussed this a lot, because it would stress me out a lot if I had that responsibility. But he said he doesn't think it is much different from when I worked. We have plenty of emergency savings/investments and he made multiples of what I made, so it would have been a big change if he lost his job whether I had my job or not. Obviously this is very specific to the couple.

I agree. When I was working (same hours like my DH) for a fraction of what he was making life was much harder for both of us.

Now that I SAHM, it is like he is paying me not to work so he has less of childcare duties. My DH is a very devoted dad and he likes to spend his weekends doing things with the kids as a family. At the same time,he really wants the kids to excel in school and extra-curricular activities - so he wanted me to be supervising the kids. I make sure that they were getting enrichment at home. they were participating in sports and EC activities, they are eating nutritious well balanced, delicious food, they have time to relax and socialize extensively with family and friends. When he is off work - he does not have to worry about how the kids are doing at school etc - because that is all taken care of.

You actually live in a partnership where you feel like your husband pays you to make his life easier? Just, wow. What a wonderful role model for girls.

Whatever... you can interpret it the way you want. My kids are doing well. My DH and I are doing well. I am thinking all the negativity comes from people who do not have the means to SAHM without making considerable financial sacrifices. Considering that I control the family finances and I have money of my own, I don't need my DH to pay me anything. But yes, he would gladly pay me not to work, so that the kids can have my support at all times.

BTW - what I provide to the kids in terms of time and support - it would be extremely costly for him to replace me with an outside person who had my qualifications, to take care of the kids needs and what he wants for the kids, if he could find one in the first place. A SAHM with advanced degrees is not going to have the same interaction with her kids as a nanny with very basic education. In any case, this is my opinion and this is the situation that works for me. I do not know what your situation at home is and I do not even care to know. Obviously, you are feeling jealous so you are trying to diminish it to feel good about your own pathetic life.

+1, there is one or multiple posters trying to do that. I guess they don't realize how pathetic it looks to try to find fault with the choices of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out this link. 50% divorce rate doesn't tell the whole story.
http://www.divorcestatistics.org

Of course you are unlikely to get divorced after you get married later in life. Your train has left the station and nobody is gonna want to date your old ass if you become single again. The younger set is more likely to find a companion if thr marriage does not work out. If I married at 39 and realized at 47 I wanted out, I'd probably suck it up knowing I probably would habe a life as a wacky cat lady ahead of me.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of a post-nup where plans are laid out in the event of a separation. This is because, as a few others have already mentioned, alimony doesn't actually save the day. U like in the Betty Draper era, alimony today is a very short bridge to the SAHM finding employment. Doesn't have to be great employment, just employment. If you think that's easy or welcome to someone that has been a SAHM for years, well . . . You clearly haven't had to face that transition. i'm surprised at hearing all of these fantasy stories of women that make out like bandits after the divorce. I have heard great stories about Hollywood wives doing quite well, but most of us aren't married to billionaires, are we? The former SAHM divorcees I have known haven't made out so well. Guess they aren't as lucky as you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Wow. This would not work for me. We are a two income home. I WFH and DH works a 40hr work week, out the door at 8 back in by 5. For that we have a combined income of 325k. We eat dinner each night as an entire family and DH coaches both of our boys Fall and spring sports. No way could he do that if he were the sole income provider and had to bust his ass to provide a comfortable income we are accoustomed too.

Honestly with our easy schedules and decidedly unglamorous middle management positions, life is good and I would certainly not call Iitchaotic.

By me working, it gives my DH an opportunity to be an involved father rather than a dedicated employee.

[Anonymous]

It definitely makes my life easier to stay at home. Our days are less stressful and I enjoy not being harried. I can't say I enjoy cleaning any more than I did before, but it is a lot easier to enjoy it on a Tuesday morning when I can take my time rather than on a late weeknight or a beautiful Saturday morning. I do enjoy being the primary daytime caregiver of my children and taking care of all the mundane child care responsibilities. I genuinely love that, even on the days when the children are difficult. I like managing my own schedule, not having a commute, not having to wear work clothes, having time to pursue my own interests and hobbies.

My husband says often that it makes his life easier, too. He loves his job and would be doing the same thing whether I worked or not. For him, according to him, sharing school pick-up, sick days, snow days, and having to do errands and chores on the weekends would be a lot more taxing than being the breadwinner. It works for us. He's happy, I'm happy, the kids are happy, and none of us are too busy. It's been great for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Wow. This would not work for me. We are a two income home. I WFH and DH works a 40hr work week, out the door at 8 back in by 5. For that we have a combined income of 325k. We eat dinner each night as an entire family and DH coaches both of our boys Fall and spring sports. No way could he do that if he were the sole income provider and had to bust his ass to provide a comfortable income we are accoustomed too.

Honestly with our easy schedules and decidedly unglamorous middle management positions, life is good and I would certainly not call Iitchaotic.

By me working, it gives my DH an opportunity to be an involved father rather than a dedicated employee.

Ok.

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/394535.page

[Anonymous]

Don't worry, honey, I'm not going anywhere; we're too broke to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry, honey, I'm not going anywhere; we're too broke to get divorced.

Best post in this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husbands who make a lot of money do not care about being the sole breadwinner.

I don't have a dog in this fight (done both) and don't like that it is a fight anyhow, but wow, this is totally not true. It is possible your spouse hides his stress from you, but to say that they don't care is just wrong. Someone -- maybe not you -- knows about his stress about breadwinning.

I would never sign up to be a breadwinner. The stress I've seen seems off the charts to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husbands who make a lot of money do not care about being the sole breadwinner.

Facts are that such a small fraction of single income families are rolling in the dough...even in this area. I was a single income family when my first was little and I had a big network of SAH mom friends. Very few of them had a high earning DH. Most all of them had to penny pinch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Working 12-14hours a day, when does you DH see the kids and have the chance to play a significant role in their lives?

At best we are talking 7-7 here. What does he look like? He's got to be so incredibly out of shape with that lifestyle. He sounds like an ATM, not a father. Maybe he likes the escape.

No wonder you don't work! Those poor kids would have nobody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Working 12-14hours a day, when does you DH see the kids and have the chance to play a significant role in their lives?

At best we are talking 7-7 here. What does he look like? He's got to be so incredibly out of shape with that lifestyle. He sounds like an ATM, not a father. Maybe he likes the escape.

No wonder you don't work! Those poor kids would have nobody.

You sound so lovely and non-judgmental

His job is different than most. He works some really long days, but then gets a lot of time off/vacation time. He sees our kids plenty. They adore him and he adores them. He looks great and is in good shape. He exercises a lot. What do you think he is trying to escape? He has a big responsibility to his patients, so no, he doesn't just leave them at 5 pm to come home to throw in a load of laundry. But he does make time for his family. He is a great father and husband. We love him a lot and he loves us. He does make a lot of money but we would never think of him as an ATM. Why is it so hard to imagine that people have made different choices from you and are happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one thing I wonder about: I am constantly reading that SAHM "makes life easier for everyone". Does that include the wife/mother? Because truly, the descriptions of the SAHM days that I'm reading sound like life is easier for everyone if mom spending her whole day taking care of everyone's needs. How about mom's life? I guess everyone is different and some women get enormous fulfillment from taking care of everything, but I really wonder. I like to cook, and do most of the cooking, but if my days were spent cleaning, making beds, doing laundry, doing errands so that no-one else in the family ever had to life a finger, I would be seriously resentful. I mean, is that all there is? I assume adults make the choices that work best for their families, but sometimes I really wonder if women are making the choice that works best for everyone except themselves.

I don't think it necessarily works better for the husband, either. Do you know how much more stressful being a sole breadwinner is, especially when there are kids involved? MUCH more stressful than throwing in a load of laundry or cooking a dinner while your wife catches up on work email.

I have no idea for other people, but for me, yes, it is much easier. I have the same amount of help I had when I worked (well, a lot less childcare but more childcare so I can do things for myself). I cook a lot more, but I like that so it isn't a chore. I have all day to do the errands I used to do right after work or on weekends. We never have to figure out who can cover when the nanny is out sick or who is going to take the kids to their doctors appts. I no longer run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have time to exercise and read. I have time to take cooking classes and volunteer for causes I care about. If a child is sick and needs picked up, I never panic about how I am never going to get my work done and sent to the client as promised. It certainly isn't for everyone and there can be drawbacks, but our lives are so much more calm.

What does your husband have time for?

He works a lot (same amount when I worked - 60-70 hrs/week). He participates in a sport 2x/week. He doesn't like to read outside of work, but wastes a lot of time reading the internet. Sees friends about as much as I do.

Working 12-14hours a day, when does you DH see the kids and have the chance to play a significant role in their lives?

At best we are talking 7-7 here. What does he look like? He's got to be so incredibly out of shape with that lifestyle. He sounds like an ATM, not a father. Maybe he likes the escape.

No wonder you don't work! Those poor kids would have nobody.

You sound so lovely and non-judgmental

His job is different than most. He works some really long days, but then gets a lot of time off/vacation time. He sees our kids plenty. They adore him and he adores them. He looks great and is in good shape. He exercises a lot. What do you think he is trying to escape? He has a big responsibility to his patients, so no, he doesn't just leave them at 5 pm to come home to throw in a load of laundry. But he does make time for his family. He is a great father and husband. We love him a lot and he loves us. He does make a lot of money but we would never think of him as an ATM. Why is it so hard to imagine that people have made different choices from you and are happy?

Lots of unhappy people on this board who either resent or can't believe that others are happy. Those that attack are only revealing their own unhappiness.