Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

In a way, It is easier when you don’t have to check in with someone else, or coordinate with their schedules.

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

I'm a single mom. I do all this shit alone, and it's not that big a deal. You're a whiner. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

In a way, It is easier when you don’t have to check in with someone else, or coordinate with their schedules.

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

I'm a single mom. I do all this shit alone, and it's not that big a deal. You're a whiner. Grow up.

Well, single mom, since you have no idea how to keep a marriage together and working, you aren’t really a good person to comment on relationship dynamics, are you?

I’m glad that you want to do everything alone. Some of us want to find a way to raise our children with involved partners.

[Anonymous]

OP -- so you get to be The Boss. Be The Boss! What do you want? What do you want done, and how? You decide what is unimportant and isn't going to happen. You need to view this feeling more empowered. What is the problem with being in charge and you it your way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- so you get to be The Boss. Be The Boss! What do you want? What do you want done, and how? You decide what is unimportant and isn't going to happen. You need to view this feeling more empowered. What is the problem with being in charge and you it your way?

Sounds pretty clearly like OP doesn't want to play the role of household manager.

[Anonymous]

wimp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, single mom, since you have no idea how to keep a marriage together and working, you aren’t really a good person to comment on relationship dynamics, are you?

How do you know the reasons for being single?

Anonymous wrote: I’m glad that you want to do everything alone. Some of us want to find a way to raise our children with involved partners.

Most of the responses on these threads are descriptions of a husband completely incapable of involvement, and assurances they will never be capable of involvement. In many cases, they are abusive and should not be around children. These women arguably should be single, and probably would be if given the opportunity to be safe with their children from a husband who would harm them with abuse or neglect during and after a divorce.

But yes to the minority of respondents who have husbands who can be involved, they should be and it's worth fighting for.

[Anonymous]

God, someone makes this exact post every week. It’s so tiresome and repetitive.

This really is a spouse selection issue. The reality is that very few women who complain about husbands not doing housework or carrying mental load prioritized these characteristics when dating.

A few may have been duped by misleading men, but the reality is that the others were too busy focusing on 6-6-6 criteria and now are crying because their man doesn’t want to do laundry when he never did it before marriage either.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to know what's most important and let the rest go. And know well in advance. You likely feel the same year-after-year. If it's about Christmas, my story is: I let the family know that I was not up to the task of .. anything to do with the tree. Not the buying, set-up, decorating. None of it. Didn't know why. But knew it was my least favorite thing to do.

So, I let that be known -- in plenty of time. Weeks ahead. Because I know myself. Not some meltdown last minute.

Husband and kids stepped-up because they knew they had to do it or it wasn't happening. No drama. Just fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- so you get to be The Boss. Be The Boss! What do you want? What do you want done, and how? You decide what is unimportant and isn't going to happen. You need to view this feeling more empowered. What is the problem with being in charge and you it your way?

Sounds pretty clearly like OP doesn't want to play the role of household manager.

What's not clear is if she asked him to assume that role. He does what he is asked.

Can she accept his decision on how the gifts are getting wrapped this year? I assume yes. But it's not uncommon for people to want things a certain way, like a mom wanting to have the experience of gift-wrapping for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Resentment is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, someone makes this exact post every week. It’s so tiresome and repetitive.

This really is a spouse selection issue. The reality is that very few women who complain about husbands not doing housework or carrying mental load prioritized these characteristics when dating.

A few may have been duped by misleading men, but the reality is that the others were too busy focusing on 6-6-6 criteria and now are crying because their man doesn’t want to do laundry when he never did it before marriage either.

This forum backs this up. Mostly, it does.

Women wanting a family will settle for just about anything to start a family. They also keep having children with men who aren't contributing to existing children. This is not good for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm a single mom. I do all this shit alone, and it's not that big a deal. You're a whiner. Grow up.

How do you manage your mental load during the holiday season?

I don't do needless shit I find taxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

I'm a single mom. I do all this shit alone, and it's not that big a deal. You're a whiner. Grow up.

You seem like you’re doing a great job LMAO

Coddling other mothers' grown-ass children isn't my job, sweetie. Call your mama about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

In a way, It is easier when you don’t have to check in with someone else, or coordinate with their schedules.

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

I'm a single mom. I do all this shit alone, and it's not that big a deal. You're a whiner. Grow up.

Well, single mom, since you have no idea how to keep a marriage together and working, you aren’t really a good person to comment on relationship dynamics, are you?

I’m glad that you want to do everything alone. Some of us want to find a way to raise our children with involved partners.

My spouse is dead, but thanks for the sanctimommy bullshit. Always fun.

Pro tip: if you want to find a way to raise your children with involved partners, ask for what you need and drop the things you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resentment is a choice.

Correct.