My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

[Anonymous]

OP, your approach is going to identify you as the weird neurotic mom other people won’t want to organize playdates with. And you are doing your daughter’s social life a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

IMO cancel the playdate nicely say something came up, you are really sorry, you will try to reschedule in the future and then let this mom and the friendship go. Don't engage when your DD brings it up, just say something neutral. Encourage your DD to invite another friend over for playdates, maybe one she has only recently started playing with, and help her move on from this one friendship.

Step back and consider if your DD is becoming hyper fixated. Some kids do when they are young ,they hyper fixate on one friend. It's a developmental phase and it eventually ends. Many, many kids at that age are not good with odd number groups, especially groups of 3 girls. Someone always feels like they are left out. Kids that age don't have the social skills to be attuned to keeping everyone included and it's not a flaw or something they can fix. Again it's developmental and it for almost all kids, they do develop this skill in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

Your child isn’t going to be invited to everything. It’s pretty awful that your anxiety around this is impacting her. Get yourself and your daughter some therapy to help navigate social issues. There are good online therapists that take insurance that would be perfect for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

We have to be getting trolled here.

If not, OP: your daughter is getting concepts like “hollow” from you. Other moms are out here raising our kids to understand that not everyone can be invited to every event, and our kids are happier because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter was rude to ask her friend for a playdate when she was with others. Kids are allowed to have other friends.

This!! She went up and asked one girl to come over in front of two others. That was rude. These girls had plans. No she doesn’t have to add your kid to the plans.

[Anonymous]

I would continue to do my own play date invite to expand my DC’s friend circle, whether they invite mine for any/ all events. We helped a neighbor then they started to invite my DC, and I made sure DC knew all the rules I wanted her to follow in advance ( younger DC had a tantrum when we got invited for dinner, since I couldn’t manage well, so younger DC didn’t get invited again). DC continued to be invited ( we invited the child over often too) until they moved away. I also invited one child and her mom and we ( both kids and adults) continued to be friends for 8 years now. I also invited other kids over, sometimes their parents join, when my kids were younger, and it’s been fine. Friends come and go, if you try, you will eventually get something in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's incredibly hurt, so I did send the mom a text (I do know her, it's not like I am a random parent she has never met before) saying that my DD was hurt that she couldn't have been included in the playdate, it was hard to watch the girls walk off without her, and next time, could she also join in. I was very kind about it but trying to advocate for my daughter.

How old are the girls? OP you missed the opportunity to teach your daughter that not every kid gets invited to everything. Maybe one the other girls didnt want to invite your kid so the mom didn't invite. I know its hard to watch this happen but its going to happen over and over unless YOU toguhen up and teach your kid that its all ok. I can't believe you texted the mom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

IMO cancel the playdate nicely say something came up, you are really sorry, you will try to reschedule in the future and then let this mom and the friendship go. Don't engage when your DD brings it up, just say something neutral. Encourage your DD to invite another friend over for playdates, maybe one she has only recently started playing with, and help her move on from this one friendship.

Good grief OP, get a griop. If you are so senstivie then your daughter will be as well. My kid has had play dates (at our house and others) with kids she did not invite to her birthday. You immediately jumped to "I guess they won't be friends"-not every kid is a best friend. THats ok too. Lots of places have space restrictions or kids have to invite family first etc. You are so neurotic. Honestly, if the kids are really young and totally reliant on parents I might start trying to fade you out (and by extensoion your kid) just so I wouldnt have to deal with your constant neediness insecurity

Step back and consider if your DD is becoming hyper fixated. Some kids do when they are young ,they hyper fixate on one friend. It's a developmental phase and it eventually ends. Many, many kids at that age are not good with odd number groups, especially groups of 3 girls. Someone always feels like they are left out. Kids that age don't have the social skills to be attuned to keeping everyone included and it's not a flaw or something they can fix. Again it's developmental and it for almost all kids, they do develop this skill in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

You should have focused on doing sometning fun with your own kid instead of watching her cry all afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone report this thread as a potential troll? My goodness, this is too looney tunes to be real, right?

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I hope the other mom doesn’t read DCUM. Cringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

I have 3 kids. My middle was a very social kid. He is now in middle school. All throughout elementary school, he had kids over as we were the hang out house. I also had a 3 friend over at a time rule. In upper elementary, a good friend got upset being left out of an outing. I knew this caused hurt feelings and drama. The next time I saw the kid, I told the boy that I am sorry that I was the one who set the 3 friend limit. My kid suffered many many play dates where that boy did not invite my kid over as retaliation. Kids are now in middle school and still not as close. The kid was so upset that my son did not pick him as one of three friends.

My youngest is 8 and we take turns hosting. I actually don’t even want 3. I prefer 2 or even 1 child at a time.

OP should have made plans for a play date at her house and invited the others. That would have been better. Plus add on plans when plans are already made is not rude. Those girls had plans already. Make another plan another time. Your kid needs to toughen up.

[Anonymous]

I often initiate play dates with new people so my daughter can have different friends. There was one girl she played with for years and ignored everyone else. I would try to set up play dates and my DD immediately would want to add Larla. I would then say you saw Larla twice last week. How about Lisa and Lauren? The close friend Larla is now better friends with another friend group and I’m so glad I made an effort with other kids. I could see my daughter feeling bad or left out if Larla was her one and only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

I had a party last year and didn’t invite a girl not knowing she was a girl. I went by the class list and her name sounded like a boy’s. I didn’t mean to exclude her.

Another year, I had my son incite all the boys in his class even the ones he doesn’t talk to at all. One boy’s mom never opened the Evite and I didn’t follow up. I was at school the day after the party and saw the boy and said we missed him at the party. His eyes lit up realizing he was invited. I will never forget that.

My daughter wasn’t invite to two parties of girls in her class. Other friends assumed she would have been invited. One girl was mean about it. Other girl she just doesn’t know. I told her that she is not close friends with both girls and we never even had a play date with either. I know she felt bad but she moved on.