My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

This was a perfectly good and appropriate response do your insane text. She's being very kind. She doesn't need to demonstrate "ownership of the behavior" because she committed no faux pas (you did). She is setting good boundaries.

You need to get a grip. You ARE being irrational and insecure. You should work on this or you're going to have a really tough road ahead of you as a parent.

This. The other Mom handled it well. She could have just blocked OP. Other Mom had enough class to send a polite response. OP needs to own her own behavior.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

Don't cancel the playdate since you are returning the favor. Your dd has to accept that she will not be invited to everything and it is ok.

[Anonymous]

You are being nutty. Not everyone can be invited to everything!! It doesn’t mean the other kid isn’t your kid’s friend.

I will explain to you what I taught my kid in elementary. Friendships work in concentric circles. You have some in your inner circle — your BFFs. Then, you have another ring of friends that you really like and enjoy their company. Then you have a ring of acquaintances, whom you generally like and can be friendly with. You keep working outwards. People can move in and out of the circles over time. For example, two girls my daughter considered BFFs sort of dropped her early in the year. She was a little sad, but pivoted to moving some of the next circle into the BFF circle. She considered the old BFFs in the third circle, more like acquaintances. But she understood not to burn it down with them. Then, there was a field trip and due to circumstances, the old BFFs are not somewhere between the first and second ring. ALL OF THIS IS FINE. And lots of kids take their cues from their parents. You need to not act like this is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

** “now” are in between the 1st and 2nd tier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

Oh my god, you sound exhausting. It sounds like your daughter and this girl on not actually good friends, they are new friends. The party was probably planned weeks in advance before the other mom planned the pity play date. Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being nutty. Not everyone can be invited to everything!! It doesn’t mean the other kid isn’t your kid’s friend.

I will explain to you what I taught my kid in elementary. Friendships work in concentric circles. You have some in your inner circle — your BFFs. Then, you have another ring of friends that you really like and enjoy their company. Then you have a ring of acquaintances, whom you generally like and can be friendly with. You keep working outwards. People can move in and out of the circles over time. For example, two girls my daughter considered BFFs sort of dropped her early in the year. She was a little sad, but pivoted to moving some of the next circle into the BFF circle. She considered the old BFFs in the third circle, more like acquaintances. But she understood not to burn it down with them. Then, there was a field trip and due to circumstances, the old BFFs are not somewhere between the first and second ring. ALL OF THIS IS FINE. And lots of kids take their cues from their parents. You need to not act like this is a big deal.

This concentric circle thing is gold! Great explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

Oh my god, you sound exhausting. It sounds like your daughter and this girl on not actually good friends, they are new friends. The party was probably planned weeks in advance before the other mom planned the pity play date. Let. It. Go.

While this wording above is a bit harsh I do feel like the other mom is making good on what she texted you, OP. It is what I would do in the same situation. The other mom said that she will look to another time to have OP's DD over to play and she did actually follow up to do so. Kudos to that other mom for she kept her word.

OP, do not go nuclear again here. It will not end well and it will hurt your DD socially.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh sorry for all those typos "about", "heard", "wasn't invited"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

Oh my god, you sound exhausting. It sounds like your daughter and this girl on not actually good friends, they are new friends. The party was probably planned weeks in advance before the other mom planned the pity play date. Let. It. Go.

While this wording above is a bit harsh I do feel like the other mom is making good on what she texted you, OP. It is what I would do in the same situation. The other mom said that she will look to another time to have OP's DD over to play and she did actually follow up to do so. Kudos to that other mom for she kept her word.

OP, do not go nuclear again here. It will not end well and it will hurt your DD socially.

YES 100% agree with this. That mom has manners. She shouldn't have to change plans just to invite another girl to a party (sometimes there are size limits for parties), but it was kind of her to invite your child over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

OP - How old are these kids?

Didn't the mom already tell you that 3 is her max for watching kids at the same time or something like that? That is probably what is happening with the birthday.

If I were you I would:
1) Not cancel the playdate - these kids friendships will change many times and it's good to have a wide group
2) Read your kid the post about the concentric circles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

OP - How old are these kids?

Didn't the mom already tell you that 3 is her max for watching kids at the same time or something like that? That is probably what is happening with the birthday.

If I were you I would:
1) Not cancel the playdate - these kids friendships will change many times and it's good to have a wide group
2) Read your kid the post about the concentric circles

I agree with the above advice. If the party is a spa day and a lunch, it is probably small. Just be cool and host the playdate and leave the ball in her court for the next playdate.

[Anonymous]

OP does your kid ordinarily get everything she wants at home? She needs to learn about the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Last weekend, the other mother (the one who hosted the playdate where my child was not included) extended a playdate invitation to my DD and another girl -- not my DD's best friend. I thought it would be healthy and good for my child to go and make new friends, and we appreciated the invite after the other exclusion or so I perceived, I understand not everyone thinks it was exclusion. Everyone had fun or so I thought, and I thanked the mom and made plans to have her daughter over next week.
Yesterday, my DD came home upset after overhearing several girls talk about this girl's upcoming birthday party at recess. My DD was not invited. I am unclear why my child would have a playdate at her house and not be invited to her party, and now she is hearing about it on the playground from other girls, a spa morning and lunch.
She has a playdate scheduled with the girl but now feels that it is hollow since she's not going to her party and they clearly are not going to be friends.
I am wondering if I should just cancel the upcoming playdate and write this girl off as not a real friend and encourage my child to look elsewhere. It is causing her a lot of sadness and she is wondering why she is not good enough to be invited.

The other mother sounds very kind. I would continue to invite her daughter over.

Your daughter needs to get some perspective. I wonder if you are able to give her to it. "I feel like her invite is hollow" doesn't sound like little kid speak, but running up to another mom and asking to be invited doesn't seem like something a kid over 7 would do. So, it seems like like perhaps a change in parenting is in order.