How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

Blindsided? Maybe.
Relieved? Absolutely.

Sure, their perfectly clean clothes will always be wrinkled and they’ll pull their clean dishes directly off the drying rack before use, but at least without the nagging spouse they’ll finally be able to relax in their own home every once in awhile…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

Or…you can put your husband in charge of dressing the kids, making the dinner, cleaning, etc. I did this simply by getting the higher paid job and leaving the house early and coming home late.

I have the higher paid job and we have the same hours and my DH still does not account for the kids in his thinking about anything unless explicitly reminded to do so. I can "put him in charge" of kid stuff and do (though please note that the act of "putting him in charge" is a task in itself -- my DH does not need to assign household or parenting chores to me) but he will not do it on his own. In the end I wind up resenting that I make more money and still have to be the one to just know all about all the household and parenting items we have to know and to be responsible for making sure one of us does it and then on top of that having to complete tasks for him that he halfasses even after it has been explicitly assigned to him and he's agree to do it.

This morning was "his morning" to do the camp run which meant he sat down to work at 7:30 and did not get the kids up or get them breakfast or help pack their bags or make sure they were wearing appropriate clothes and sunscreen or pay attention to the clock so that they left on time. Instead I wound up getting them up and fed (20 minutes after they should have because I thought he'd do it) and then making sure they were ready and I still had to say "shouldn't you guys be leaving" at 8:55 (10 minutes after they really should have left) and DH just stood up from his desk and walked the kids who I got ready out the door. Please compare to the three days a week that I do camp run on my own without him at all because he works in the office on those days and I do all of it without anyone reminding me or helping me. And again -- I make more. But he just absolutely refuses to make kids or household chores a priority and I always have to decide between rescuing him (and thus training him to continue to rely on me to pick up his slack) or let my kids' lives be chaos because one of their parents thinks 50% of any parenting task is good enough.

Your DH is a douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

NP here but this is bonkers. She would have cleaned her clothes on the weekend. Why are you defending him?

There’s no evidence of that. She just repeatedly says she would have, and yet she was too unmotivated or lazy to even fold the clothes until Sunday. It’s giving off the energy of the legends in their own minds type of guys going on about how THEY would have made that catch when watching the game. Sure you would have, buddy. That’s why you’re sitting on the couch *watching* someone else do something imperfectly (the horror).

I’m defending him because the person who did NOTHING is getting a ton of support for badmouthing the person who did SOMETHING (even if the something was the bare minimum - by definition the bare minimum is still adequate) and I find it bizarre.

I didn't do nothing. I did most of the laundry. Thats' the point. He did part of the laundry task and then left it for someone else to finish. Which I then did. But then he bragged about how he "did four loads of laundry" on Friday. But he didn't. He did zero loads of laundry -- he *started* four loads of laundry.

This is a conversation about how starting and abandoning a task is very frustrating for your partner who then has to complete it for you.

DH had the option of doing one load of laundry on Friday including folding and putting away and that would have been great. He could also like me have done zero loads of laundry and either done it on the weekend or done it with me on the weekend or let me do it while he did something else start to finish. He chose instead to start the laundry and then let it sit in the living room occupying it's one chair for two full days until someone else finished the task for him.

You did nothing *on Friday* you dolt. You didn’t “do most of the laundry” TWO DAYS LATER - you folded some clothes and put them in drawers!

HE did the actual *critical* part of “doing laundry” which is getting the clothes CLEAN.

It’s crazy how you’re digging in your heels on this. You must be absolutely EXHAUSTING to live with.

NP. Any person understands that the idiot who just throws laundry in a machine and leaves the rest for someone else is a is jackoff. You can keep responding as much as you like but you are clearly a jackoff too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

There's a book called "this is how your marriage ends" that hits on this issue. In the author's case, he's the 80 percenter who leaves dirty dishes out. Or probably less than 80 percent. He explains how he was completely oblivious to the fact that all the undone chores were sending the message that he didn't value his wife or respect her opinion that dirty dishes should not be left on the counter. There was a huge disconnect between how he thought about himself (I'm a good person who loves his wife) and how his wife perceived his actions (I don't care enough about my wife to do one simple thing that will make her feel more comfortable in her home).

It was helpful to me to read his perspective. Next step is to get my spouse to read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

Or…you can put your husband in charge of dressing the kids, making the dinner, cleaning, etc. I did this simply by getting the higher paid job and leaving the house early and coming home late.

I have the higher paid job and we have the same hours and my DH still does not account for the kids in his thinking about anything unless explicitly reminded to do so. I can "put him in charge" of kid stuff and do (though please note that the act of "putting him in charge" is a task in itself -- my DH does not need to assign household or parenting chores to me) but he will not do it on his own. In the end I wind up resenting that I make more money and still have to be the one to just know all about all the household and parenting items we have to know and to be responsible for making sure one of us does it and then on top of that having to complete tasks for him that he halfasses even after it has been explicitly assigned to him and he's agree to do it.

This morning was "his morning" to do the camp run which meant he sat down to work at 7:30 and did not get the kids up or get them breakfast or help pack their bags or make sure they were wearing appropriate clothes and sunscreen or pay attention to the clock so that they left on time. Instead I wound up getting them up and fed (20 minutes after they should have because I thought he'd do it) and then making sure they were ready and I still had to say "shouldn't you guys be leaving" at 8:55 (10 minutes after they really should have left) and DH just stood up from his desk and walked the kids who I got ready out the door. Please compare to the three days a week that I do camp run on my own without him at all because he works in the office on those days and I do all of it without anyone reminding me or helping me. And again -- I make more. But he just absolutely refuses to make kids or household chores a priority and I always have to decide between rescuing him (and thus training him to continue to rely on me to pick up his slack) or let my kids' lives be chaos because one of their parents thinks 50% of any parenting task is good enough.

When it is his morning to do the camp run, leave at 7:30. Go to work, run an errand, get out of the house, go for a run, whatever. Let them figure it out. How much both of you get paid, isn’t a factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

Or…you can put your husband in charge of dressing the kids, making the dinner, cleaning, etc. I did this simply by getting the higher paid job and leaving the house early and coming home late.

I have the higher paid job and we have the same hours and my DH still does not account for the kids in his thinking about anything unless explicitly reminded to do so. I can "put him in charge" of kid stuff and do (though please note that the act of "putting him in charge" is a task in itself -- my DH does not need to assign household or parenting chores to me) but he will not do it on his own. In the end I wind up resenting that I make more money and still have to be the one to just know all about all the household and parenting items we have to know and to be responsible for making sure one of us does it and then on top of that having to complete tasks for him that he halfasses even after it has been explicitly assigned to him and he's agree to do it.

This morning was "his morning" to do the camp run which meant he sat down to work at 7:30 and did not get the kids up or get them breakfast or help pack their bags or make sure they were wearing appropriate clothes and sunscreen or pay attention to the clock so that they left on time. Instead I wound up getting them up and fed (20 minutes after they should have because I thought he'd do it) and then making sure they were ready and I still had to say "shouldn't you guys be leaving" at 8:55 (10 minutes after they really should have left) and DH just stood up from his desk and walked the kids who I got ready out the door. Please compare to the three days a week that I do camp run on my own without him at all because he works in the office on those days and I do all of it without anyone reminding me or helping me. And again -- I make more. But he just absolutely refuses to make kids or household chores a priority and I always have to decide between rescuing him (and thus training him to continue to rely on me to pick up his slack) or let my kids' lives be chaos because one of their parents thinks 50% of any parenting task is good enough.

When it is his morning to do the camp run, leave at 7:30. Go to work, run an errand, get out of the house, go for a run, whatever. Let them figure it out. How much both of you get paid, isn’t a factor.

I've done this and it's mixed, because there really are negative consequences for your kids. My kids were late a lot to school last year because my husband won't get it together. We now have a few years where it's going to matter if they're on time for school but they're too young to get themselves there, and I have to manage this because he will not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

Or…you can put your husband in charge of dressing the kids, making the dinner, cleaning, etc. I did this simply by getting the higher paid job and leaving the house early and coming home late.

I have the higher paid job and we have the same hours and my DH still does not account for the kids in his thinking about anything unless explicitly reminded to do so. I can "put him in charge" of kid stuff and do (though please note that the act of "putting him in charge" is a task in itself -- my DH does not need to assign household or parenting chores to me) but he will not do it on his own. In the end I wind up resenting that I make more money and still have to be the one to just know all about all the household and parenting items we have to know and to be responsible for making sure one of us does it and then on top of that having to complete tasks for him that he halfasses even after it has been explicitly assigned to him and he's agree to do it.

This morning was "his morning" to do the camp run which meant he sat down to work at 7:30 and did not get the kids up or get them breakfast or help pack their bags or make sure they were wearing appropriate clothes and sunscreen or pay attention to the clock so that they left on time. Instead I wound up getting them up and fed (20 minutes after they should have because I thought he'd do it) and then making sure they were ready and I still had to say "shouldn't you guys be leaving" at 8:55 (10 minutes after they really should have left) and DH just stood up from his desk and walked the kids who I got ready out the door. Please compare to the three days a week that I do camp run on my own without him at all because he works in the office on those days and I do all of it without anyone reminding me or helping me. And again -- I make more. But he just absolutely refuses to make kids or household chores a priority and I always have to decide between rescuing him (and thus training him to continue to rely on me to pick up his slack) or let my kids' lives be chaos because one of their parents thinks 50% of any parenting task is good enough.

When it is his morning to do the camp run, leave at 7:30. Go to work, run an errand, get out of the house, go for a run, whatever. Let them figure it out. How much both of you get paid, isn’t a factor.

I've done this and it's mixed, because there really are negative consequences for your kids. My kids were late a lot to school last year because my husband won't get it together. We now have a few years where it's going to matter if they're on time for school but they're too young to get themselves there, and I have to manage this because he will not.

That is your choice. You said you have a few years before it matters if they are late or not - so what are the negative consequences for your children? You can choose to let it go and let them be late now. Or, if it is that important to you that they be on time, when it doesn’t matter, then you do it. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Your self-loathing as a result of your failure to be an equal partner is your issue to manage, and only you can set yourself up for success by figuring out what tools you need in your life to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

Or…you can put your husband in charge of dressing the kids, making the dinner, cleaning, etc. I did this simply by getting the higher paid job and leaving the house early and coming home late.

I have the higher paid job and we have the same hours and my DH still does not account for the kids in his thinking about anything unless explicitly reminded to do so. I can "put him in charge" of kid stuff and do (though please note that the act of "putting him in charge" is a task in itself -- my DH does not need to assign household or parenting chores to me) but he will not do it on his own. In the end I wind up resenting that I make more money and still have to be the one to just know all about all the household and parenting items we have to know and to be responsible for making sure one of us does it and then on top of that having to complete tasks for him that he halfasses even after it has been explicitly assigned to him and he's agree to do it.

This morning was "his morning" to do the camp run which meant he sat down to work at 7:30 and did not get the kids up or get them breakfast or help pack their bags or make sure they were wearing appropriate clothes and sunscreen or pay attention to the clock so that they left on time. Instead I wound up getting them up and fed (20 minutes after they should have because I thought he'd do it) and then making sure they were ready and I still had to say "shouldn't you guys be leaving" at 8:55 (10 minutes after they really should have left) and DH just stood up from his desk and walked the kids who I got ready out the door. Please compare to the three days a week that I do camp run on my own without him at all because he works in the office on those days and I do all of it without anyone reminding me or helping me. And again -- I make more. But he just absolutely refuses to make kids or household chores a priority and I always have to decide between rescuing him (and thus training him to continue to rely on me to pick up his slack) or let my kids' lives be chaos because one of their parents thinks 50% of any parenting task is good enough.

When it is his morning to do the camp run, leave at 7:30. Go to work, run an errand, get out of the house, go for a run, whatever. Let them figure it out. How much both of you get paid, isn’t a factor.

I've done this and it's mixed, because there really are negative consequences for your kids. My kids were late a lot to school last year because my husband won't get it together. We now have a few years where it's going to matter if they're on time for school but they're too young to get themselves there, and I have to manage this because he will not.

That is your choice. You said you have a few years before it matters if they are late or not - so what are the negative consequences for your children? You can choose to let it go and let them be late now. Or, if it is that important to you that they be on time, when it doesn’t matter, then you do it. Your choice.

Obviously it's my choice. The point is that "just drop the ball" is very context- dependent in terms of its feasibility. And I didn't say I have a few years before it matters, I said it matters now. Because they will get kicked out of their school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

DP here. It's illogical to only do 80% of the dishes! Are the dishes going to magically take care of themselves? I'm responding because my DH did exactly the same thing the other day. That's just showing that the person thinks the dishes are not really their job, and they're just "helping".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could this not have been solved by saying "thanks for doing the laundry, sweetheart, but it stresses me out to have it sitting there staring at me waiting to be folded -- I really prefer to save it until there's time to do the whole job." then he can say "okay, would it be better to put it out of sight?" or "okay, next time I'll do one load and fold it instead of doing four loads" or "okay, next time I'll leave it for you to handle on the weekend."

I'm the PP you are talking about and I literally had two very cordial conversations with my DH about it. First as he was starting a third load of laundry while the first two went unfolded and I suggested waiting until he could get through the first two. He disregarded and said "it won't take that long to fold." And then later after the laundry was sitting in a heap for a day I told him that I really prefer to only go as much laundry as we can reasonably fold and put away same day because it's inconvenient to give up space in our small home to so much laundry, and that's when he told me "you're bring too hard on yourself, I think just getting the laundry going is dn accomplishment."

Part of the issue here is that once he tosses the laundry onto the chair he truly just doesn't seem to see it or be bothered by it whereas to me it becomes a a big neon "YOU HAVE WORK TO DO" sign. Plus I just feel claustrophobic with the mess in our living space. Maybe if we had a separate laundry roomor the clothes were in a basket in hallway and not in an armchair it wouldn't bug me as much. But we don't have space for that.

So what did he say when you told him that? Because honestly, you both have very reasonable points. For some tasks, I prefer to do them in fits and starts over the course of several days when I have time to do a little bit, and for others, seeing them half finished will drive me insane. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, it’s just my personal preference. Which obviously my husband should respect because he respects me, but there’s no way for him to know which kind of task is which unless I tell him. And for me, laundry is the second kind, I do think getting everything washed is an accomplishment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.

It’s also death by a thousand cuts for the ADHD partner who is doing their best, still constantly telling themselves “I suck”, and then feels the impossible standards and disappointment from their spouse pile on when they are literally doing the best they can. If your spouse has ADHD, it’s your job to learn everything you can about it so you can understand what life is like for them. There are many things you can do in your lives to make it easier for that partner. You have to stop being judgmental about the very real condition and start setting everyone in your house up for success. But also, unfolded laundry is just not a big deal. Jesus.

Wrong.

You better wake up and realize how selfish, rude and unreliable you are to everyone you’ve ever lived with. Then once you wake up and take responsibilities for your “shortcomings,” start fixing them!

[Anonymous]

If both spouses are too busy you need to hire someone to do these things