How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

Of course I'm biased. I don't think that's a question about anyone on this board. Why is my post singled out? Because I noted that he completes things to 80%? By the way, I've told him this. He's not unaware of how I perceive how he accomplishes things, which is to wonder why he'll wash the pots and not the lids or spoons. I'm not hiding my feelings from him about it and he's of course free to communicate how he perceives my completion rate. I wonder why he never does that.

I’m guessing you think he doesn’t complain because you’re perfect. But I’m guessing he doesn’t complain because it’s unloving, disrespectful, and generally obnoxious behavior.

NP here. It's like you were just dropped down onto Earth, the way you keep arguing your point that runs contrary to every study that's ever been done on the topic.

I think we need to stop engaging with Dr. "Care and feeding of husbands" Laura here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

First, you are absolutely dumping on him. What would you describe grousing about him to complete strangers as doing? Respecting him?

Second, nobody said that it’s expected for you to help - but the implication is it’s crappy to not only NOT offer to help but to also criticize the work someone else is doing, or the timetable by which they’re doing it. If you don’t want to participate, don’t, but don’t engage in back seat driving either.

Third, you decided these things didn’t need to be done, but so many women fail to understand that this attitude cuts both ways. (Maybe he thinks touching up the paint is unnecessary, for example.)

Obviously do whatever you want, but for your own sake I hope that you realize that pointing out all of your husband’s perceived flaws in order to commiserate with random bitter strangers on the internet is not healthy for you or your marriage, especially if you really do think your husband is great. Misery loves company and some of these toxic complainers will try to drag you down with them.

Well, our HOA would disagree with you about the paint. I personally don't give a crap if it's painted or not. I personally didn't give a crap if we got a new door handle. He can make these improvements all he wants. But he needs to finish them, and he doesn't get to decide for me that I have to be involved in them. Why is that so hard for people to grasp? People absolutely responded that it's weird that it's not a "team endeavor." Well, for it be a team endeavor, it has to be agreed upon to begin with. Don't you agree? You can't just declare something a team endeavor and then gripe to the person who was never part of the decision that they now have to be part of it.

And again, making observations isn't dumping on him. Asking him to clean up after himself is actually something I shouldn't have to point out, but I do, because I don't want to build resentment. Why are men given such a pass to perform only part of the way? If he starts something, he should finish it. Isn't that we teach our children?

I don't need your advice on how to interact online. I commiserated with the OP of this post, who observed the exact same behavior that I see in my husband in her spouse. You don't need to be involved at all. I have been very clear I love taking care of him and that he's a great guy. Why isn't that enough for you to the point where you have to make grant statements about my marriage? You don't know me. Get over yourself.

Moving the goalposts? Check.
Completely ignoring points that don’t fit your narrative? Check.
Speaking in generalities? Check.
Pretending you’re a victim of society? Check!

Yup. You sound super happy, content, and reasonable. You don’t at all sound like you think you’re your husband’s mommy or boss. I’m sure you’ll be completely blindsided by the divorce request in a few years.

Good luck to all of you ladies! I hope that y’all continue to never have any actual problems in your lives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s all keep pretending wrong that sorting, folding, and putting the clean laundry away is the same amount of effort as pressing buttons on the machine.

Wait, you sort your laundry AFTER you wash it? How does that work?

In our family we wash by color. So we need to sort each load (after it’s washed and dried) by family member.

How do you wash by color if you only sort laundry after you’ve washed it?

We sort before and after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me feel guilty because I’m really bad about folding the laundry. We probably do all look wrinkly a little bit.

I do think 80 percent of the job sometimes does what *really* needs to be done. Last night I was the one to remember one of our kids was out of clean swim stuff for camp so I washed and dried it even tit kept me up later than I wanted. It’s all still in the dryer but my kid had his stuff for camp. I would be pissed if my husband complained about that.

+1

My son has multiple baseball games a week, which means I’m washing his uniform multiple times a week. If he can’t find what he needs in his room, he knows the next place to check is the dryer! But his uniform is clean and available when he needs it, which is the actual *important* part of “doing laundry” in my opinion.

Same with doing dishes (washed all the pots and pans and ran the dishwasher but didn’t feel like cleaning the waffle maker because it’s annoying and we won’t use it again for awhile so it can sit for a day or two); cleaning bathrooms (cleaned the mirror, sink, counter, and toilet but didn’t have time to scrub the shower so it’ll just have to wait until next time); vacuuming/mopping (got the high traffic areas but didn’t move furniture or do the baseboards); and so on and so on.

Sometimes good enough is good enough.

This is how I live my life! Thanks for making me feel better about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

First, you are absolutely dumping on him. What would you describe grousing about him to complete strangers as doing? Respecting him?

Second, nobody said that it’s expected for you to help - but the implication is it’s crappy to not only NOT offer to help but to also criticize the work someone else is doing, or the timetable by which they’re doing it. If you don’t want to participate, don’t, but don’t engage in back seat driving either.

Third, you decided these things didn’t need to be done, but so many women fail to understand that this attitude cuts both ways. (Maybe he thinks touching up the paint is unnecessary, for example.)

Obviously do whatever you want, but for your own sake I hope that you realize that pointing out all of your husband’s perceived flaws in order to commiserate with random bitter strangers on the internet is not healthy for you or your marriage, especially if you really do think your husband is great. Misery loves company and some of these toxic complainers will try to drag you down with them.

Well, our HOA would disagree with you about the paint. I personally don't give a crap if it's painted or not. I personally didn't give a crap if we got a new door handle. He can make these improvements all he wants. But he needs to finish them, and he doesn't get to decide for me that I have to be involved in them. Why is that so hard for people to grasp? People absolutely responded that it's weird that it's not a "team endeavor." Well, for it be a team endeavor, it has to be agreed upon to begin with. Don't you agree? You can't just declare something a team endeavor and then gripe to the person who was never part of the decision that they now have to be part of it.

And again, making observations isn't dumping on him. Asking him to clean up after himself is actually something I shouldn't have to point out, but I do, because I don't want to build resentment. Why are men given such a pass to perform only part of the way? If he starts something, he should finish it. Isn't that we teach our children?

I don't need your advice on how to interact online. I commiserated with the OP of this post, who observed the exact same behavior that I see in my husband in her spouse. You don't need to be involved at all. I have been very clear I love taking care of him and that he's a great guy. Why isn't that enough for you to the point where you have to make grant statements about my marriage? You don't know me. Get over yourself.

Because - as I was told - women are socialized to accept this.

Do you agree? If yes, provide examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me feel guilty because I’m really bad about folding the laundry. We probably do all look wrinkly a little bit.

I do think 80 percent of the job sometimes does what *really* needs to be done. Last night I was the one to remember one of our kids was out of clean swim stuff for camp so I washed and dried it even tit kept me up later than I wanted. It’s all still in the dryer but my kid had his stuff for camp. I would be pissed if my husband complained about that.

That’s a different scenario IMO. Your kid needed clean clothes. No one expects you to complete the task 100% just because your kid needed his swim trunks.

If, on the other hand, OP’s husband decided to “do the laundry”, that task should be completed. Not just the easy parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

You manage to complete your work at the office properly right?

DP, but this poster could have been me, and actually, no. I feel terrible about it all the time but there is no accountability in my department

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

First, you are absolutely dumping on him. What would you describe grousing about him to complete strangers as doing? Respecting him?

Second, nobody said that it’s expected for you to help - but the implication is it’s crappy to not only NOT offer to help but to also criticize the work someone else is doing, or the timetable by which they’re doing it. If you don’t want to participate, don’t, but don’t engage in back seat driving either.

Third, you decided these things didn’t need to be done, but so many women fail to understand that this attitude cuts both ways. (Maybe he thinks touching up the paint is unnecessary, for example.)

Obviously do whatever you want, but for your own sake I hope that you realize that pointing out all of your husband’s perceived flaws in order to commiserate with random bitter strangers on the internet is not healthy for you or your marriage, especially if you really do think your husband is great. Misery loves company and some of these toxic complainers will try to drag you down with them.

Well, our HOA would disagree with you about the paint. I personally don't give a crap if it's painted or not. I personally didn't give a crap if we got a new door handle. He can make these improvements all he wants. But he needs to finish them, and he doesn't get to decide for me that I have to be involved in them. Why is that so hard for people to grasp? People absolutely responded that it's weird that it's not a "team endeavor." Well, for it be a team endeavor, it has to be agreed upon to begin with. Don't you agree? You can't just declare something a team endeavor and then gripe to the person who was never part of the decision that they now have to be part of it.

And again, making observations isn't dumping on him. Asking him to clean up after himself is actually something I shouldn't have to point out, but I do, because I don't want to build resentment. Why are men given such a pass to perform only part of the way? If he starts something, he should finish it. Isn't that we teach our children?

I don't need your advice on how to interact online. I commiserated with the OP of this post, who observed the exact same behavior that I see in my husband in her spouse. You don't need to be involved at all. I have been very clear I love taking care of him and that he's a great guy. Why isn't that enough for you to the point where you have to make grant statements about my marriage? You don't know me. Get over yourself.

Because - as I was told - women are socialized to accept this.

Do you agree? If yes, provide examples.

Oddly combative, when women who don't want to accept it are raked over the coals and told they're miserable and their marriage sucks. Don't you agree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

First, you are absolutely dumping on him. What would you describe grousing about him to complete strangers as doing? Respecting him?

Second, nobody said that it’s expected for you to help - but the implication is it’s crappy to not only NOT offer to help but to also criticize the work someone else is doing, or the timetable by which they’re doing it. If you don’t want to participate, don’t, but don’t engage in back seat driving either.

Third, you decided these things didn’t need to be done, but so many women fail to understand that this attitude cuts both ways. (Maybe he thinks touching up the paint is unnecessary, for example.)

Obviously do whatever you want, but for your own sake I hope that you realize that pointing out all of your husband’s perceived flaws in order to commiserate with random bitter strangers on the internet is not healthy for you or your marriage, especially if you really do think your husband is great. Misery loves company and some of these toxic complainers will try to drag you down with them.

Well, our HOA would disagree with you about the paint. I personally don't give a crap if it's painted or not. I personally didn't give a crap if we got a new door handle. He can make these improvements all he wants. But he needs to finish them, and he doesn't get to decide for me that I have to be involved in them. Why is that so hard for people to grasp? People absolutely responded that it's weird that it's not a "team endeavor." Well, for it be a team endeavor, it has to be agreed upon to begin with. Don't you agree? You can't just declare something a team endeavor and then gripe to the person who was never part of the decision that they now have to be part of it.

And again, making observations isn't dumping on him. Asking him to clean up after himself is actually something I shouldn't have to point out, but I do, because I don't want to build resentment. Why are men given such a pass to perform only part of the way? If he starts something, he should finish it. Isn't that we teach our children?

I don't need your advice on how to interact online. I commiserated with the OP of this post, who observed the exact same behavior that I see in my husband in her spouse. You don't need to be involved at all. I have been very clear I love taking care of him and that he's a great guy. Why isn't that enough for you to the point where you have to make grant statements about my marriage? You don't know me. Get over yourself.

Because - as I was told - women are socialized to accept this.

Do you agree? If yes, provide examples.

Oddly combative, when women who don't want to accept it are raked over the coals and told they're miserable and their marriage sucks.

Told by whom? Who are the people worth your consideration telling you this? The previous poster implied it's female family/friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could this not have been solved by saying "thanks for doing the laundry, sweetheart, but it stresses me out to have it sitting there staring at me waiting to be folded -- I really prefer to save it until there's time to do the whole job." then he can say "okay, would it be better to put it out of sight?" or "okay, next time I'll do one load and fold it instead of doing four loads" or "okay, next time I'll leave it for you to handle on the weekend."

I'm the PP you are talking about and I literally had two very cordial conversations with my DH about it. First as he was starting a third load of laundry while the first two went unfolded and I suggested waiting until he could get through the first two. He disregarded and said "it won't take that long to fold." And then later after the laundry was sitting in a heap for a day I told him that I really prefer to only go as much laundry as we can reasonably fold and put away same day because it's inconvenient to give up space in our small home to so much laundry, and that's when he told me "you're bring too hard on yourself, I think just getting the laundry going is dn accomplishment."

Part of the issue here is that once he tosses the laundry onto the chair he truly just doesn't seem to see it or be bothered by it whereas to me it becomes a a big neon "YOU HAVE WORK TO DO" sign. Plus I just feel claustrophobic with the mess in our living space. Maybe if we had a separate laundry roomor the clothes were in a basket in hallway and not in an armchair it wouldn't bug me as much. But we don't have space for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me feel guilty because I’m really bad about folding the laundry. We probably do all look wrinkly a little bit.

I do think 80 percent of the job sometimes does what *really* needs to be done. Last night I was the one to remember one of our kids was out of clean swim stuff for camp so I washed and dried it even tit kept me up later than I wanted. It’s all still in the dryer but my kid had his stuff for camp. I would be pissed if my husband complained about that.

You don’t look a little wrinkly. You and your family look like ragamuffins.

[Anonymous]

I think some people assume these conversations are contentious or unloving or obnoxious or whatever a PP said upthread. No, they’re not. They’re conversations that adults who live together are capable of having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me feel guilty because I’m really bad about folding the laundry. We probably do all look wrinkly a little bit.

I do think 80 percent of the job sometimes does what *really* needs to be done. Last night I was the one to remember one of our kids was out of clean swim stuff for camp so I washed and dried it even tit kept me up later than I wanted. It’s all still in the dryer but my kid had his stuff for camp. I would be pissed if my husband complained about that.

You don’t look a little wrinkly. You and your family look like ragamuffins.

Mmm, only if their clothes are also period pieces from the 19th or early 20th century.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I do a lot of 80%. Sometimes not all the dishes fit in the dishwasher, so I set them aside for the next load. I think there’s some empty grocery bags on the counter at this very moment, mostly because I had to run out to drop a kid off at practice, and I will get back to putting it all away.

So you eventually finish the task. You don’t leave it for someone else to do. So this isn’t you she’s talking about.

[Anonymous]

This is death by a thousand cuts. Absolutely not.

If a partner has ADHD, and they do not do the work to support regular consistency in completing tasks at home, whether that’s medication, behavioral tools, or a combination, they are not being a good partner.

This stuff wears, and they will be left alone one day “completely blindsided” by the divorce.