Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

It's not irrational to not want to give up your career, your livelihood, your way to earn money. It's a risk. You guys could lose your savings thru a lawsuit or family crisis or cancer diagnosis. Your husband could become disabled. You could get divorced.

Feeling hesitant about whether you want to give up your ability to support yourself is not irrational and you do not need to apologize for it.

She wants to though. This irrational fear that she has is preventing her from living her best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.

You can be a SAHM (or SAHD) in a healthy relationship where that is not the case. My husband's money is OUR money and always has been. Just like if I made less than him (or I made more than him) our money was always pooled together jointly, we never kept separate "his and hers" bank accounts. It works for us.
Been SAHM for 20+ years, manage our finances and never felt as if I was slighted for "not having an income"

This is totally me, too! It is our money, I agree. I loved being a SAHM and now I am an empty nester and was very happy to spend those years with my DC's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.

You can be a SAHM (or SAHD) in a healthy relationship where that is not the case. My husband's money is OUR money and always has been. Just like if I made less than him (or I made more than him) our money was always pooled together jointly, we never kept separate "his and hers" bank accounts. It works for us.
Been SAHM for 20+ years, manage our finances and never felt as if I was slighted for "not having an income"

This is totally me, too! It is our money, I agree. I loved being a SAHM and now I am an empty nester and was very happy to spend those years with my DC's

+1 Now being an empty nester as well, and still "SAHM" means I can travel with my husband easily anytime we want. Arranging a pet sitter is the only concern. So it means we get to travel and see the world a bit more before he fully retires.

[Anonymous]

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OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.


So the issue here has nothing to do with being a SAHM but everything to do with financial anxiety and fear.

It sounds like these issues are deep rooted and I'd kindly suggest therapy to help you navigate through them.

[Anonymous]

I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

^^ OOPS, the OP's quote didn't get separated from my previous comment. Trying again:


So the issue here has nothing to do with being a SAHM but everything to do with financial anxiety and fear.

It sounds like these issues are deep rooted and I'd kindly suggest therapy to help you navigate through them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been a stay at home mom for the last 17 years and I love it. There were certainly hard times...like there are with any job. I would not have changed my time at home with my children for anything. That being said, this is a decision that my husband I made together before our first child was born, and we have always been in complete agreement that this is best for us and the life that we want to lead. I strongly believe that everyone has to do what is best for their family - whether that it work or SAH. From reading your comments, your family clearly makes enough money for you to stay home (with help if you want it.) Again, what you all choose to do with your money is up to you all. Figure out what would make the family happy and go for it. That being said, it seems like you are not 100% sure that this is the path you want to take. Perhaps you want to take another year to think on it? I do know that in my case, my husband and I are both 100% behind our decision for me to stay home. I think that if either of us was not comfortable with it, that would change things. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.

[Anonymous]

So many people dump on part time, but a lot of these answers seem like it might be a good middle road? Preserves flexibility to return full-time to job force if ever needed, provides some identity, provides some extra cash to feel relevant, but still affords more time to chill? I have no idea how realistic it is maybe it's a unicorn job to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

I say this with kindness, but have you considered therapy to work through some of this?

100% but I can’t bring myself to actually do it because there are people working through real issues with their therapists - abuse, addiction, mental illness - I imagine talking about my problems and sounding like such a whiner. Maybe I should get over that though.

Therapists are very good with what they call "the worried well." They can probably help you very quickly, they are very good when you are at a decision point. They can help
You understand why you make the sorts of decisions that you do. I think yours might be easily resolved and give you some peace of mind as you move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.

I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.

I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.

This is pretty much true for everyone I know.

- Another long time SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.

I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.

What type of job, same one you left 11 years ago? This may not work for some industries where you have to keep up with recent developments (like tech, medicine, etc) to stay employed. Anyone can find any job if you aren't picky, harder to enter a career especially high paying one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people dump on part time, but a lot of these answers seem like it might be a good middle road? Preserves flexibility to return full-time to job force if ever needed, provides some identity, provides some extra cash to feel relevant, but still affords more time to chill? I have no idea how realistic it is maybe it's a unicorn job to find.

It is a unicorn. Our workforce didn't evolve yet to adapt a different model where teams consist of people who are not fully engaged all the time. In medical industry I see more of it with doctors who own their own practices and set their hours, or maybe are partners in a practice giving them more flexibility. Some dentists and doctors only work 2-3 days a week. In corporate world that's not possible. It's mostly via having your own business or being a partner in one you can accomplish flexibility over your engagement. Most of PT work is freelance and gig work that doesn't pay well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm watching a friend try to re-enter the workforce after 10 years as SAHM and it's not pretty.

I had been SAHM for 11 years and it took me 9 months to find a job. It can be done.

This is pretty much true for everyone I know.

- Another long time SAHM

Np here. True for me as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s sounds like we are strikingly similar. Maybe I can help?

DH and I are worth $5M+, he makes 7 figures, and let’s just say he pays more in taxes than I make (and I’m a $200K+ MD/JD/MBA type.) I still work, and I have deep financial anxiety. I question if being a SAHM is for me, but the thought of making myself dependent on another human being is truly terrifying.

I do talk about it with my therapist. It’s multi-layered, but starts with some real inter generational trauma of having grandmothers and aunts who were financially abused by their spouses (and physically abused to boot). While it never happened to my mother, I do think people truly underestimate how traumatizing it is to watch a woman be trapped in a marriage and *not be able to get out*. It’s like someone who grows up poor – it never really leaves you. I’ve also worked incredibly hard for my career, and while I have moments of wanting to say eff this, I do love having an identity outside of wife and mother, and I love having my own money. I’m still trying to decide if I want to take on a bigger career when my children are older (maybe high school?), or if I’ll just want to throw in the towel and become a lady of leisure who’s sits on charity boards. My solution for now is a highly flexible, work from home job + nanny.

One final note – I have noticed that generally women who become stay at home moms tend to have a higher financial risk appetite naturally. Clearly, I’ve got my own anxiety so I’m not a bellwether, but I have observed this sort of eternal financial and marital optimism in them. Even in the face of talks about divorce and job loss. Good for them; I wish them well. It’s just not who I am.