Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

I say this with kindness, but have you considered therapy to work through some of this?

100% but I can’t bring myself to actually do it because there are people working through real issues with their therapists - abuse, addiction, mental illness - I imagine talking about my problems and sounding like such a whiner. Maybe I should get over that though.

At $300/hr, I’m sure a lot of therapists hear about issues like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

I say this with kindness, but have you considered therapy to work through some of this?

100% but I can’t bring myself to actually do it because there are people working through real issues with their therapists - abuse, addiction, mental illness - I imagine talking about my problems and sounding like such a whiner. Maybe I should get over that though.

Everyone has their battles! It just seems like your upbringing is (potentially) clouding your judgement on this, if there is truly no number in the bank that will make you feel safe enough to quit.

FWIW, if a relevant part time option is available in your field, you could always consider starting there.

[Anonymous]

I always stayed in the job market part time and I’m glad I did. Now the kids are in school full time and I can work again. My husband was laid off recently from his 400k a year job and I’m glad I have mine! He has started his own business but we were able to switch to my health insurance.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP go part time or get a post-nup, better yet, both. Good luck.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

I say this with kindness, but have you considered therapy to work through some of this?

100% but I can’t bring myself to actually do it because there are people working through real issues with their therapists - abuse, addiction, mental illness - I imagine talking about my problems and sounding like such a whiner. Maybe I should get over that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.

You can be a SAHM (or SAHD) in a healthy relationship where that is not the case. My husband's money is OUR money and always has been. Just like if I made less than him (or I made more than him) our money was always pooled together jointly, we never kept separate "his and hers" bank accounts. It works for us.
Been SAHM for 20+ years, manage our finances and never felt as if I was slighted for "not having an income"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to have to ask my father for money to buy his birthday present.

I would never be reduced to needing someone (like a daddy) to support me. That does not feel like being an independent adult to me. That is just baked into my (female) DNA.

You can be a SAHM (or SAHD) in a healthy relationship where that is not the case. My husband's money is OUR money and always has been. Just like if I made less than him (or I made more than him) our money was always pooled together jointly, we never kept separate "his and hers" bank accounts. It works for us.
Been SAHM for 20+ years, manage our finances and never felt as if I was slighted for "not having an income"

+1 I'm a SAHM and my husband asks me before he spends money. We both agree that I'm just better with shopping and budgeting. We both have access to all accounts, and neither of us asks each other for permission to buy small stuff.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.

+1

At 400K we would rarely pay for a business class. It is simply not in the budget at that income level, unless you live in a VLCOL area and your house is only $150K

Unless you are completely mismanaging your money (which I suspect many of you are), or you are flying overseas with the entire family on a monthly basis, there is absolutely zero reason why you cannot afford business class tickets for your family vacation at an income of 400K, and it should not even make you bat an eye.

I would love to see some of your budgets because many of you clearly need a lot of help.

So if you are making $400K, then you are taking home $260K (after fed and state taxes and FICA). Add in $20K for each spouse for 401K and another $6.5K each for IRA---that's $53K reduction. If you have 2 Kids, then take away $25K/year for college savings (at a minimum)--this might pay for in-state for 4 years for each kid.

So now I have only paid taxes, saved for retirement and college (the bare minimum) and I have $182K remaining for everything else.



My monthly mortgage on a million dollar home will be $6K+ for mortgage, insurance, prop taxes ($72K). Health insurance plus medical co-pays/fees per month will easily be $1K, and the kids are not even old enough for braces.

Add in vehicle insurance, costs for cars, etc...

Then I've got food, clothing, etc.

Oh and perhaps we need to fly to see family once per year in the USA.

So sure, I technically could afford to pay business class for a trip to Europe for my family of 4, but that would be $4K/person vs $1.2K/person. So $16K vs 4.8K. I will be flying economy and using the difference to help pay for the rest of the vacation.

What I am getting out of your post is that you have approximately $100,000 after paying taxes, retirement savings, college savings, mortgage, and health insurance. So let’s say you have about 8K per month to pay for food, clothing, transportation, and entertainment. That is an absolute f***ton of money.

So yes, you can “technically” and OBVIOUSLY afford to spring for business class tickets on your yearly European vacation if that is something that matters to you (and I am not sure how many rich posters on here were whining about “cattle class” or if you were one of them). That you choose not to is just that, a CHOICE.

(TLDR: your post only confirms you would be an idiot to pretend you can’t afford business class on 400K income. Stop crying poor, it’s ridiculous.)

If you have 8k a month for all of those things, would you spend 15-20k on business class seats?

If you earned 100k a year would you spend 5% of your income on plane tickets for one vacation? My guess is no.

I don’t think PP is saying she’s too poor to afford business class. What she’s saying is if you spend 15-20k on business class seats it’s going to have to come from somewhere else.

Exactly! Not saying “I’m poor”. But pointing out it’s not the smartest decision fiscally. Most fiscally smart people would not spend on business class seats at that income—-I’d rather have that money for an extra vacation than spend 12-14k for 8 hours on a plane.

Sigh. There is a fundamental miscommunication here. The question is not “would this be a smart financial decision?” Nor is the question “would I personally spend this money on business class tickets?” The question was “could I afford to spend that much money on business class tickets if I decided that I really wanted to fly business class?” And the answer indisputably is “yes, you can afford it”.

I can’t figure out what in the world the rest of you are arguing about. No one is telling you that you are required to fly first class, just as no one is telling you that you should buy a 1 million dollar+ house or a six figure electric vehicle, or that you should have a nanny or a housekeeper or a lawn service or private schools, or invest all your money so you can take a tour in Jeff Bezos’s rocket someday. Merely that these things are options at that income level (actually I am not sure about the rocket) and you can use your discretion to determine where to put your discretionary income. Pretending that you simply can’t afford it when the reality is that you just don’t want to spend your money that way is silly.

Oh, I see. You have retreated to the pedantic defense of "these things are technically possible at your income, so you can afford it." But, that's not what you previously said. To remind you:

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

and

Unless you are completely mismanaging your money (which I suspect many of you are), or you are flying overseas with the entire family on a monthly basis, there is absolutely zero reason why you cannot afford business class tickets for your family vacation at an income of 400K, and it should not even make you bat an eye.

I would love to see some of your budgets because many of you clearly need a lot of help.

So your initial position was that, with routine budgeting, a family making $400k should be able to fly business or first class, no problem. When numerous people chimed in that you're mistaken, you keep doubling down and subtly moving the goal posts until we are left with your most recent post.

It's pointless to continue this argument, but I am fascinated by your motivation. I'm guessing it is some combination of:

- envy that others make $400k+ and you don't;
- an inability to admit that you may have made an error (typical in teenagers, but in adults a possible sign of a personality disorder)
- you have convinced yourself that you have superior money management skills to everyone else out there, and refuse to give up the delusion; or
- you don't really believe the nonsense you are posting, but are having fun (i.e., a troll).

If I missed something, please feel free to fill in the blanks.

Haha. You are still wrong. At no point did anyone prove that they can’t afford business class on 400k, they just stated that they don’t want to spend their money on that because it would be “moronic”. Or helpfully pointing out that it would be a lot of money! (No sh*t! Doesn’t change the fact that you can easily afford it.) So it’s the people responding moving the goalposts, not me!

The bolded statement was indeed my initial position and continues to be my position. Sorry you don’t know how to not waste your money on giant houses you’re too lazy to clean, with yards you’re too lazy to mow. Or spend an absurd amount of money on a house without making sure it’s in a good school district. Or maybe like the OP, you have some hang-up that requires you to hoard money to the point that you are psychologically unable to spend it on anything that would make your life enjoyable. Must be tough.

And I suspect you keep responding because my accusation that you don’t know how to budget hits a little close to home and it stings a little. And finally, I admit that I am jealous that the absolute morons of the world are the ones pulling in massive paychecks and then whining about how it’s not that much money (after they spend it and save it and then, I dunno, sit on it like some psychotic dragon?)

[Anonymous]

NP. I briefly skimmed the rest of the thread, I’m sure it’s the usual cluster. A couple of things:

My 98-year-old grandmother who was very close to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren went to her deathbed also very proud of her work. Her hard work brought her family from being just above the poverty line to having a kid who was the first-ever college graduate in the family, changing the course of the whole family. I saw the usual privileged twaddle in this thread about people regretting work on their deathbeds a page or so back, but don’t let those scare tactics affect how YOU see work. It is not the same for everyone.

Work can be more than just an income. It can be intellectually challenging, fun at times, a social outlet, an identity outside of parenting, etc. For some reason a lot of people think this is valid for men but not women. 🤷‍♀️ Do not silence your own internal voice to satisfy external voices who don’t know you.

I stayed home and I worked. Kids in college now. In my experience the santimommies who, when the kids were young, prattled on publicly about how they work to be a good role model or how they stay home because they don’t want strangers to raise their kids/they love their kids more turned out to raise entitled nightmare teenagers. Interestingly working or SAH made very little difference. So, I’d beware of advice from the loud people who believe that there is only one way to raise kids and their way is the best way (working or SAH). They raise obnoxious kids.

Life is long. You have the fortune (literally) to try a path and reverse it if it doesn’t work. Rather than making this a really big decision, why don’t you chunk it into a time period? Eg here is what it will cost for me to take a six month leave of absence or quit for X time, and we will evaluate after? I think some of your anxiety may be that you are looking at this as a lifelong decision and it doesn’t have to be.

Good luck to you. Ignore the people who are dismissive. You will be okay!

[Anonymous]

I have no regrets for not working and staying home with children. I’ve never worked full time and can’t imagine getting home when the children are ready for bed.

There are plenty of women who don’t work. I know two women who never used their law degrees. The husbands make more than enough.

[Anonymous]

This thread lasted longer than I thought it would. It took 17 pages for the super defensive “never working again” moms to show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I briefly skimmed the rest of the thread, I’m sure it’s the usual cluster. A couple of things:

My 98-year-old grandmother who was very close to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren went to her deathbed also very proud of her work. Her hard work brought her family from being just above the poverty line to having a kid who was the first-ever college graduate in the family, changing the course of the whole family. I saw the usual privileged twaddle in this thread about people regretting work on their deathbeds a page or so back, but don’t let those scare tactics affect how YOU see work. It is not the same for everyone.

Work can be more than just an income. It can be intellectually challenging, fun at times, a social outlet, an identity outside of parenting, etc. For some reason a lot of people think this is valid for men but not women. 🤷‍♀️ Do not silence your own internal voice to satisfy external voices who don’t know you.

I stayed home and I worked. Kids in college now. In my experience the santimommies who, when the kids were young, prattled on publicly about how they work to be a good role model or how they stay home because they don’t want strangers to raise their kids/they love their kids more turned out to raise entitled nightmare teenagers. Interestingly working or SAH made very little difference. So, I’d beware of advice from the loud people who believe that there is only one way to raise kids and their way is the best way (working or SAH). They raise obnoxious kids.

Life is long. You have the fortune (literally) to try a path and reverse it if it doesn’t work. Rather than making this a really big decision, why don’t you chunk it into a time period? Eg here is what it will cost for me to take a six month leave of absence or quit for X time, and we will evaluate after? I think some of your anxiety may be that you are looking at this as a lifelong decision and it doesn’t have to be.

Good luck to you. Ignore the people who are dismissive. You will be okay!

+1 I've had a 20+ year career and also been a SAHM. Obnoxious parents raise obnoxious kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I briefly skimmed the rest of the thread, I’m sure it’s the usual cluster. A couple of things:

My 98-year-old grandmother who was very close to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren went to her deathbed also very proud of her work. Her hard work brought her family from being just above the poverty line to having a kid who was the first-ever college graduate in the family, changing the course of the whole family. I saw the usual privileged twaddle in this thread about people regretting work on their deathbeds a page or so back, but don’t let those scare tactics affect how YOU see work. It is not the same for everyone.

Work can be more than just an income. It can be intellectually challenging, fun at times, a social outlet, an identity outside of parenting, etc. For some reason a lot of people think this is valid for men but not women. 🤷‍♀️ Do not silence your own internal voice to satisfy external voices who don’t know you.

I stayed home and I worked. Kids in college now. In my experience the santimommies who, when the kids were young, prattled on publicly about how they work to be a good role model or how they stay home because they don’t want strangers to raise their kids/they love their kids more turned out to raise entitled nightmare teenagers. Interestingly working or SAH made very little difference. So, I’d beware of advice from the loud people who believe that there is only one way to raise kids and their way is the best way (working or SAH). They raise obnoxious kids.

Life is long. You have the fortune (literally) to try a path and reverse it if it doesn’t work. Rather than making this a really big decision, why don’t you chunk it into a time period? Eg here is what it will cost for me to take a six month leave of absence or quit for X time, and we will evaluate after? I think some of your anxiety may be that you are looking at this as a lifelong decision and it doesn’t have to be.

Good luck to you. Ignore the people who are dismissive. You will be okay!

+1 I've had a 20+ year career and also been a SAHM. Obnoxious parents raise obnoxious kids.

+2 they start parroting their parents very early on and years down the road, none of the kids want to hang with them for being so judgmental. Then the parents blame everyone else as they always have. Feedback loop, kid starts repeating more judgmental points and kids reject them more. Just teach your kid acceptance if you want them to have friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I briefly skimmed the rest of the thread, I’m sure it’s the usual cluster. A couple of things:

My 98-year-old grandmother who was very close to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren went to her deathbed also very proud of her work. Her hard work brought her family from being just above the poverty line to having a kid who was the first-ever college graduate in the family, changing the course of the whole family. I saw the usual privileged twaddle in this thread about people regretting work on their deathbeds a page or so back, but don’t let those scare tactics affect how YOU see work. It is not the same for everyone.

Work can be more than just an income. It can be intellectually challenging, fun at times, a social outlet, an identity outside of parenting, etc. For some reason a lot of people think this is valid for men but not women. 🤷‍♀️ Do not silence your own internal voice to satisfy external voices who don’t know you.

I stayed home and I worked. Kids in college now. In my experience the santimommies who, when the kids were young, prattled on publicly about how they work to be a good role model or how they stay home because they don’t want strangers to raise their kids/they love their kids more turned out to raise entitled nightmare teenagers. Interestingly working or SAH made very little difference. So, I’d beware of advice from the loud people who believe that there is only one way to raise kids and their way is the best way (working or SAH). They raise obnoxious kids.

Life is long. You have the fortune (literally) to try a path and reverse it if it doesn’t work. Rather than making this a really big decision, why don’t you chunk it into a time period? Eg here is what it will cost for me to take a six month leave of absence or quit for X time, and we will evaluate after? I think some of your anxiety may be that you are looking at this as a lifelong decision and it doesn’t have to be.

Good luck to you. Ignore the people who are dismissive. You will be okay!

+1 I've had a 20+ year career and also been a SAHM. Obnoxious parents raise obnoxious kids.

+2 they start parroting their parents very early on and years down the road, none of the kids want to hang with them for being so judgmental. Then the parents blame everyone else as they always have. Feedback loop, kid starts repeating more judgmental points and kids reject them more. Just teach your kid acceptance if you want them to have friends!

Exactly right. I sometimes wonder whether the super judgmental DCUM posters realize how terrible their relationships with their kids are going to be in a few short years, and how they are socially hamstringing their kids.

There’s a mom of five who used to post here, though haven’t seen her in awhile. She was really nasty to young mothers who were trying to figure out daycare and working or staying home etc. But she also used to post about how she didn’t see her new grandkids until months after they were born, even when they lived close. She never seemed to make the connection. It was honestly sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

Then you need to go to therapy and work on this, not post to DCUM. Nothing anyone says to you on here will pierce through this type of irrational thinking. It’s like a phobia. You need to actively work on it to fix it.