Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

But isn't it not up to the giver what and who the receiver spends their money on?

Actually, no. It deoends on the giver's intent. And the receiver's.

Here, you were neither. You triooed yourself up with this response by admitting that what happens to the gift money is up tonthe receiver.

Which is all your MIL said.

Your lack of empathy amd understanding in the face of universal DCUM condemnation demonstrates reality distortion consistent with a personality disorder such as covert narcissiism.

The problem you have now is you let the mask drop in a very obvious way. You had probably gotten way too comfortable taking advantage of your husband's co dependency and got careless with your MIL because you heard the cash register ringing in the moment and just could not help yourself.

Now your stubborn refusal to admit fault and in fact doubling down proves you were not just having a bad day. We all have those, but nentally healthy people know when they were in the wrong and try to make things right.

Narcissists do not try to make things right. They double down even if that means trying to manipulate the codependent spouse into a conflict with another family member, as you are trying to do.

OP you need theraoy.

Best response and 💯. My only addiction- therapy won’t help a narcissist, which OP appears to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your comment sounds weird and inappropriate, actually. You either say nothing or you say thank you. Guessing m-i-l doesn’t like you as much as you think she does. It’s not your gift.

So then all those many years she was just faking it. We always gotten along fine. In fact we hung out just the 2 of us before. So I highly doubt if she didn't like me she wouldn't have done that. Yes it was initiated by her.

Families argue and have disagreements it doesn't mean they don't like each other. If everytime family members disagreed it meant they don't like each other we would all be screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your comment sounds weird and inappropriate, actually. You either say nothing or you say thank you. Guessing m-i-l doesn’t like you as much as you think she does. It’s not your gift.

So then all those many years she was just faking it. We always gotten along fine. In fact we hung out just the 2 of us before. So I highly doubt if she didn't like me she wouldn't have done that. Yes it was initiated by her.

Families argue and have disagreements it doesn't mean they don't like each other. If everytime family members disagreed it meant they don't like each other we would all be screwed.

If this is OP then you are contorting this and blowing it out of proportion. You contradict yourself in your own response. One salty exchange does not mean all these years one of you was faking it. Like you said, families have disagreements soemtimes.

I think you compounded a personal moment between a gift giver and receiver (mil and DH in this instance), with a personal conversation between spouse and spouse (you and DH). Your timing was poor. It is as simple as that!

The issue now though is that it appears you got your feelings hurt (perfectly understandable!) and your ego is wounded. Instead of working through this and giving all parties some grace, forgiveness and learning from it by asking yourself… “hmm, how could I have handled that differently.” Instead you are going into let me take this personally, get defensive, and figure out how I am right and they are wrong. You’ve demonstrated this in your response to various posters.

This has a lot of toxic relational red flags in it that would really benefit you to reflect on and peel the layers back. I am NOT judging you! I have had to work through similar $hit which is why it is so clear to me. My mom was like this my entire life which is where I absorbed a lot of the behaviors from. To name a few though:
- black and white thinking
- someone has to be right and the other wrong (no room for grey area and recognizing that both parties could have handled it a little differently)
- refusal to take personal responsibility (even in a situation where another party makes mistakes we can find areas we can take responsibility for)
- defensiveness
- comforting others perspectives by saying things like “are you saying…” and then dredging up all or nothing statements that make it really hard to see the grey area in relationships.

Just drop the defensiveness. I don’t think your mil’s response to your untimely comment was particularly gracious either, but this is getting blown up. It’s as simple as you lacked some courtesy and it nipped your mil the wrong way. She spoke out instead of biting her tongue. You were both a little “wrong”, if we must use that word. But you aren’t responsible for her response you are only responsible for figuring out how you could have handled it better. This has nothing to do with whether you and your DH see individual gifts as a marital asset. That is a separate and private convo between the two of you. But as you can see from these responses many spouses see individual gifts as solely for that spouse. Many also see a grey area though. It’s not all black and white.

[Anonymous]

To add - if you keep on hanging onto this and bringing this up with your DH etc… the cost of that will be that it will really put a damper on this $1000 gift. Instead of it being a source of joy and gratitude, it will be a source of anger and dispute. Your DH deserves to enjoy his birthday gift, both the sentiment of it, and what he or the both of you, decide to put it towards. Instead it will be overshadowed by what you feel was a personal insult. Be the bigger person here and get out of the weeds. Refusing to let it go and persisting with it is what another poster mentioned is slightly narcissistic behavior. Honestly it is a headache to deal with people like this. I know that is hard to hear but just hear it because you don’t have to be this way. You can make a different choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave my husband a $1000 for his birthday. Just to be clear we have been married for 10 years not just long term dating or engaged. I have always considered MIL and I to have a good relationship. We aren't best friends but it's not awkward if we ever end up in a situation where we are alone together. My point in saying this is to say that as far as I know we have no issues between us.

We have been getting home renovations done so when my husband opened his card and it was $1000 in there I said, "oh great we can use it towards our home renovations." My MIL gave me a nasty look and said back to me in a rude tone, "that's money is meant for my son for his birthday it's up to him to decide how it's spent." I said back a little snarky back I will admit, "we are a married couple and we always considered money we get to be family money as I thought it was normal for married couples to share money."

It got very quiet which honestly I'm more annoyed with my husband that he didn't jump in and let me get hammered by his mother but whatever that's besides the point.

Since the whole mood and tone changed I left the house to go for a walk and let them have time together.

I don't know I feel like this is so out of character given that his mom and I have always gotten along well and in the 10+ years I've been with her son I have never seen her act like this.

You would have thought I said oh great we can use the money for me to go on a girl's weekend or for me to get my nails done. But this is OUR house as a married couple this benefits him just as much as me. Besides we are a married couple do married couples not share money typically especially large amounts??

Not to mention it shouldn't be up to the gift giver to determine how the money is spent. For us we are married so it's more of a we are a unit and make these decisions together we are one in the married sense.

I want my husband to talk to his mother about making comments that are out of line and quite frankly none of her business what I say to my husband a married couple and I think she owes me an apology.

He said he is going to talk to her because it's out of character for her. And ask her to talk to me and to apologize.

I guess I'm just really hurt and taken a back because this type of comment doesn't just come out of no where if you are typically pretty close with someone.

I have a DIL that is probably like you. Whenever I ask my son a question addressing him directly she always answers for him. Whenever my son goes to another room to talk to me she follows him. Whenever I visit my son and DIL if I go to the store to buy something for him I hear it later from my son that my DIL was hurt that I didn't treat her equal and get something for her too. It's almost like now that my son is married I have to treat them like conjoined twins and that my son isn't still a separate individual.

Yes my son is married and I like his wife but he was my son for 20 plus years before his wife came into the picture and while I expect him to put his wife first I should be able to do things occasionally just for my son and maintain my own individual relationship with him without including his wife in every damn thing I do for my son. I can't even visit my son and buy him a Tshirt without expecting my DIL to nope and cry she didn't get one too. Like Jesus Christ can't I buy a freaking $20 shirt for my son without having to get one for her too.

I hear you and agree....but stop buying him stuff, it causes him grief at home. Address checks or whatever to the both of them if you want to give him something.

Why? Not PP.

Umm because clearly it's hurting the DIL's feelings and causing the son grief at home. Is a $20 Tshirt really worth more than the feelings of a family member? It's weird the hills y'all choose to die on.

So is the DIL blameless In creating drama and strife where there doesn’t need to be any. I mean it’s a random T-shirt. Is it that important to creating a riff with DH and his mom. Like that’s the cross you want to die on instead of giving grace and just see it as a mom buying her son a flippin tshirt?

Oh please you know damn well it's more than about just a Tshirt this is a mom who doesn't feel relevant in her son's life anymore so she goes out of her way to continuously buy him things and giving him money solely to him and not acknowledging his wife. That's weird and rude to do to family.

She knows what she's doing and it's a power play. I hardly believe at this point it's more than just a mom wanting to give her son an innocent gift. She is the one who is older set the example. She knows it hurts her DIL and more importantly her son because that's his wife so of course if it hurts his wife it's gonna hurt him too. So what's the point of her continuing to shun and ignore her DIL? To make some moral statement that she should be able to just buy her son something and not include his wife? Is this a matter of principle for her?

I just find it really hard to believe that MIL would rather make her life more difficult by continuing to ignore DIL when it's a rather simple fix of just including her. Especially when it takes essentially zero effort to pick up a shirt at a store you're already at or to take the extra 2 seconds to add DIL's name to the check.

Please let me be rewarded with a DIL who doesn't think like this. Please dear lord.

The neediness is off the charts.

[Anonymous]

I'm pp and am team MIL. It's not even that OP thinks it should be used for renovations, it's that she made a rude comment about a birthday gift that wasn't hers, and then threw a stink about it. Why comment at all in the moment? It reeks of greediness and/or control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your comment sounds weird and inappropriate, actually. You either say nothing or you say thank you. Guessing m-i-l doesn’t like you as much as you think she does. It’s not your gift.

So then all those many years she was just faking it. We always gotten along fine. In fact we hung out just the 2 of us before. So I highly doubt if she didn't like me she wouldn't have done that. Yes it was initiated by her.

Families argue and have disagreements it doesn't mean they don't like each other. If everytime family members disagreed it meant they don't like each other we would all be screwed.

Not quite, OP. All these years, you are the one who has been faking it. What you just did in that post is projection. Now your MIL is clear about who you really are, if she was in doubt about that.

If you wish to try to continue the charade, you need to apologize to your MIL and make it a good one. Also to your husband. Thats probably not possible for you based on the attitude in all your posts.

It is unbelievable that one could see ones spouse be the recipient of such a generous gift and yet work so hard to create an ongoing family conflict between mother and son out of sheer jealousy or avarice.

It doesnt matter WHAT MIL said or didnt say, her ACTIONS speak for themselves-- SHE GAVE YOUR HUSBAND $1,000!!!!

You are an ungrateful, rude twerp.

Plus any benefit of the doubt in this sich goes to MIL because YOUR HUSBAND CAME OUT OF HER BODY. She carried him for 9 months. Without her, you dont have a husband from whom to cadge his birthday gift in the first place.

You are toxic AF. You dont mention any other marital issues but surely this is merely the tip of a huge iceberg.

I hereby christen your marriage as "The Titanic."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, wow, way out of line. Even IF that's how HE wants to spend the money, you don't say that in front of the gift-giver. Super rude.

He tells her he's going to have a great day golfing and you shut the F up about it. Besides whats the difference between him having a nice day and renovations it all comes from the same pot.

Literally OP you'll never get a cash gift again.

Not a shocker on DCUM that the woman just has to shut up and keep quiet while her husband gets to do whatever. All the pro momma's boys on here are ridiculous

It's NOT HER MONEY.

Reverse scenario: Mother gives daughter $1000. Husband says sweet we need this for my car! Huh? I didn't give the money to you.

Yes. OP is ridiculous. When my OWN mom gives my wife a check for her birthday she always says for her to spend it only on something nice for herself, like a nice sweater or jewelry, not for something like groceries or new tires. My mom knows me too well, I would tell my wife to put it in her IRA or something lol.

Of course it is up to my wife how to soemd it in the end. If she wants to use it for something practical then that is what happens to it. But SHE decides, not because she is the wife, but because it is a gift given to HER.

SO obvious. OP is clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not a strange comment if you often act like this. MIL probably had her limit!

Limit with what?

Since when is it ok to butt in and stick your nose into someone else's marriage

OP, you are really an idiot or a troll. Your MIL did not stick her nose into "someone else's" marriage. She gave a birthday gift to her own son.
Now I really hope he divorces you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t have said anything in front of her. You can discuss it privately later.

My MIL has given me money and said it is to be used for YOU for something fun. She’d be annoyed if DH immediately piped up to declare how the money should be spent.

Your MIL sounds wonderful!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave my husband a $1000 for his birthday. Just to be clear we have been married for 10 years not just long term dating or engaged. I have always considered MIL and I to have a good relationship. We aren't best friends but it's not awkward if we ever end up in a situation where we are alone together. My point in saying this is to say that as far as I know we have no issues between us.

We have been getting home renovations done so when my husband opened his card and it was $1000 in there I said, "oh great we can use it towards our home renovations." My MIL gave me a nasty look and said back to me in a rude tone, "that's money is meant for my son for his birthday it's up to him to decide how it's spent." I said back a little snarky back I will admit, "we are a married couple and we always considered money we get to be family money as I thought it was normal for married couples to share money."

It got very quiet which honestly I'm more annoyed with my husband that he didn't jump in and let me get hammered by his mother but whatever that's besides the point.

Since the whole mood and tone changed I left the house to go for a walk and let them have time together.

I don't know I feel like this is so out of character given that his mom and I have always gotten along well and in the 10+ years I've been with her son I have never seen her act like this.

You would have thought I said oh great we can use the money for me to go on a girl's weekend or for me to get my nails done. But this is OUR house as a married couple this benefits him just as much as me. Besides we are a married couple do married couples not share money typically especially large amounts??

Not to mention it shouldn't be up to the gift giver to determine how the money is spent. For us we are married so it's more of a we are a unit and make these decisions together we are one in the married sense.

I want my husband to talk to his mother about making comments that are out of line and quite frankly none of her business what I say to my husband a married couple and I think she owes me an apology.

He said he is going to talk to her because it's out of character for her. And ask her to talk to me and to apologize.

I guess I'm just really hurt and taken a back because this type of comment doesn't just come out of no where if you are typically pretty close with someone.

I have a DIL that is probably like you. Whenever I ask my son a question addressing him directly she always answers for him. Whenever my son goes to another room to talk to me she follows him. Whenever I visit my son and DIL if I go to the store to buy something for him I hear it later from my son that my DIL was hurt that I didn't treat her equal and get something for her too. It's almost like now that my son is married I have to treat them like conjoined twins and that my son isn't still a separate individual.

Yes my son is married and I like his wife but he was my son for 20 plus years before his wife came into the picture and while I expect him to put his wife first I should be able to do things occasionally just for my son and maintain my own individual relationship with him without including his wife in every damn thing I do for my son. I can't even visit my son and buy him a Tshirt without expecting my DIL to nope and cry she didn't get one too. Like Jesus Christ can't I buy a freaking $20 shirt for my son without having to get one for her too.

NP. This sounds like a you problem. Why do you continuously keep doing things that you know hurt your son and DIL? At first it came across like a nice innocent thing you are doing for your son and now it seems like it is a power trip on your part to mark your territory to show you are still relevant in your son's life. Almost like you wanna ignore that your DIL exists.

Why is it everytime you do something for your son you insist on leaving out your DIL? Are you really that hard up that it would kill you to get your DIL a $20 shirt or is that too much for you?

I would be hurt if my MIL always bought my husband things and always left me out.

The fact of the matter is the relationship you had with your son when he was a child is going to be different than the one you have with him as a married adult. He has a wife now who is also your DIL and they are a unit and should be treated as such. Not sure why you don't wanna acknowledge that.

Ever heard of the expression it's more important to be kind that to be right? That applies here..you are choosing a $20 shirt to be your hill to die on.

You shouldn't care just how it affects your son but also your DIL as well. She is a human being whose feelings also matter.

Drama queen much?? "Hurt" by your MIL buying a $20 t-shirt for her own son? You are pathetic, lol. Some of you here are so deranged.
DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YTA

+1, super rude. It was her bday present to him and before he can even say thanks, you are earmarking it for home renovations? You might as well have snatched it out of his hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave my husband a $1000 for his birthday. Just to be clear we have been married for 10 years not just long term dating or engaged. I have always considered MIL and I to have a good relationship. We aren't best friends but it's not awkward if we ever end up in a situation where we are alone together. My point in saying this is to say that as far as I know we have no issues between us.

We have been getting home renovations done so when my husband opened his card and it was $1000 in there I said, "oh great we can use it towards our home renovations." My MIL gave me a nasty look and said back to me in a rude tone, "that's money is meant for my son for his birthday it's up to him to decide how it's spent." I said back a little snarky back I will admit, "we are a married couple and we always considered money we get to be family money as I thought it was normal for married couples to share money."

It got very quiet which honestly I'm more annoyed with my husband that he didn't jump in and let me get hammered by his mother but whatever that's besides the point.

Since the whole mood and tone changed I left the house to go for a walk and let them have time together.

I don't know I feel like this is so out of character given that his mom and I have always gotten along well and in the 10+ years I've been with her son I have never seen her act like this.

You would have thought I said oh great we can use the money for me to go on a girl's weekend or for me to get my nails done. But this is OUR house as a married couple this benefits him just as much as me. Besides we are a married couple do married couples not share money typically especially large amounts??

Not to mention it shouldn't be up to the gift giver to determine how the money is spent. For us we are married so it's more of a we are a unit and make these decisions together we are one in the married sense.

I want my husband to talk to his mother about making comments that are out of line and quite frankly none of her business what I say to my husband a married couple and I think she owes me an apology.

He said he is going to talk to her because it's out of character for her. And ask her to talk to me and to apologize.

I guess I'm just really hurt and taken a back because this type of comment doesn't just come out of no where if you are typically pretty close with someone.

I have a DIL that is probably like you. Whenever I ask my son a question addressing him directly she always answers for him. Whenever my son goes to another room to talk to me she follows him. Whenever I visit my son and DIL if I go to the store to buy something for him I hear it later from my son that my DIL was hurt that I didn't treat her equal and get something for her too. It's almost like now that my son is married I have to treat them like conjoined twins and that my son isn't still a separate individual.

Yes my son is married and I like his wife but he was my son for 20 plus years before his wife came into the picture and while I expect him to put his wife first I should be able to do things occasionally just for my son and maintain my own individual relationship with him without including his wife in every damn thing I do for my son. I can't even visit my son and buy him a Tshirt without expecting my DIL to nope and cry she didn't get one too. Like Jesus Christ can't I buy a freaking $20 shirt for my son without having to get one for her too.

NP. This sounds like a you problem. Why do you continuously keep doing things that you know hurt your son and DIL? At first it came across like a nice innocent thing you are doing for your son and now it seems like it is a power trip on your part to mark your territory to show you are still relevant in your son's life. Almost like you wanna ignore that your DIL exists.

Why is it everytime you do something for your son you insist on leaving out your DIL? Are you really that hard up that it would kill you to get your DIL a $20 shirt or is that too much for you?

I would be hurt if my MIL always bought my husband things and always left me out.

The fact of the matter is the relationship you had with your son when he was a child is going to be different than the one you have with him as a married adult. He has a wife now who is also your DIL and they are a unit and should be treated as such. Not sure why you don't wanna acknowledge that.

Ever heard of the expression it's more important to be kind that to be right? That applies here..you are choosing a $20 shirt to be your hill to die on.

You shouldn't care just how it affects your son but also your DIL as well. She is a human being whose feelings also matter.

Drama queen much?? "Hurt" by your MIL buying a $20 t-shirt for her own son? You are pathetic, lol. Some of you here are so deranged.
DP

Agree. I don't want my MIL to buy me things. I don't care if she buys my husband things. My MIL wouldn't have the first clue about what I would like and it would just be awkward for both of us for her to give me something I don't like. She gives me money for gifts, my husband doesn't tell me how to spend it, and ultimately it just goes the joint account and I don't do anything special with it because I don't need much. This DIL pouting and feeling left out sounds super immature and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your comment sounds weird and inappropriate, actually. You either say nothing or you say thank you. Guessing m-i-l doesn’t like you as much as you think she does. It’s not your gift.

So then all those many years she was just faking it. We always gotten along fine. In fact we hung out just the 2 of us before. So I highly doubt if she didn't like me she wouldn't have done that. Yes it was initiated by her.

Families argue and have disagreements it doesn't mean they don't like each other. If everytime family members disagreed it meant they don't like each other we would all be screwed.

Why are you still here arguing? YTA and you don't deserve an apology, in fact you should be apologizing. Are you always this obstinate and ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your comment sounds weird and inappropriate, actually. You either say nothing or you say thank you. Guessing m-i-l doesn’t like you as much as you think she does. It’s not your gift.

So then all those many years she was just faking it. We always gotten along fine. In fact we hung out just the 2 of us before. So I highly doubt if she didn't like me she wouldn't have done that. Yes it was initiated by her.

Families argue and have disagreements it doesn't mean they don't like each other. If everytime family members disagreed it meant they don't like each other we would all be screwed.

Why are you still here arguing? YTA and you don't deserve an apology, in fact you should be apologizing. Are you always this obstinate and ridiculous?

She is a troll.